Bad Movie Monday: Bikini Med School (1994)

Remember that scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure when Pee-Wee hitches a ride with this sinister lady trucker called Large Marge, who then proceeds to tell him at great length about a terrible car crash that she witnessed? Remember how she ends her story by scaring the bejeezus out of the audience with the greatest claymation jump scare of all time and then going “Yes Sir, that was the worst accident I ever seen.” before dropping Pee-Wee off at his destination? Well, after watching BIKINI MED SCHOOL, I kind of feel like that lady. So, grab your bindle and sit in the passenger seat, because it was on a night just like tonight that I saw the worst movie I ever seen…

God. Where to start? Figuring out what to criticize first in this film is like trying to figure out which body part you want to pick up after someone falls into an industrial mincer. There’s a lot to choose from, but nothing that you want to touch. So let’s start with the sheer sleaziness of the whole thing. I was hoping that this would be a simple straightforward trashy low budget sex comedy shot ten years too late. I didn’t think that I was asking for much, just something kind dumb and fun that would make me laugh. Yet even with this extremely low bar the movie still managed to fail in every respect. In fact, there is no “movie” here. If they took more than two days to shoot this garbage, I would be shocked. It basically consists of three ingredients: Hot chicks in their underwear gyrating on a stage, hot twenty-somethings dancing at a “party” with the camera focusing on the pretty girls, and wannabe actors doing bad comedy added to the mix almost as an afterthought. I don’t know what kind of lies that the filmmakers told these poor people in order to get them to do this but I can guarantee you that at least two false promises were made “You’re gonna be a big star after this.” and “The check is in the mail.”

SYNOPSIS: A medical school’s student league is conducting an experiment on Hydrotherapy and need female students to dance on stage in wet t-shirts while everyone stands around and drinks. That’s it. That’s the story. There really isn’t much else. At least, not much else that I remember. Because I ain’t watching this shit twice to take notes. One cinematic death march was quite enough for me, thank you very much.

The other awful thing is just how lazy this film is. Even at only 56 minutes in length there is a huge amount of filler in this garbage. I like hot chicks as much as the next guy, probably more to be honest, but this was like watching a late night phone sex commercial. I kept expecting a 1-800 number to pop up on screen. The story isn’t just flimsy, it’s almost like Schrodinger script. It both exists and it doesn’t depending on if you’re watching or not. So as soon as you look away from the screen, I suspect that the entire movie vanishes like mist.

Good riddance if it does.


#1 – I have a rule of thumb. If I can’t find a decent image of the film’s poster online to post with my review, it’s always an omen of how terrible it’s going to be. I’ve never failed to be wrong yet.

#2 – Within the first few minutes we are treated to stock footage, stock title fonts and stock music. Not just any kind of stock garbage either. No. No. No. We get the deluxe treatment. This is the kind of stuff you’d get free with cheap home video cameras. Perfect.

#3 – The Medical School is called Quinn University of Applied Clinical Studies (QUACS) Get it? It’s a joke. Well… it’s a gag anyway. Perhaps more of a pun. I have no idea. I didn’t laugh. If anything this sucked all the humour out of me like a vampire.

#4 – The line where they said “Pre-med students with congenital mammarian abundance” got a chuckle out of me. Perhaps even a guffaw. I am not proud, but I freely admit I’m an easy lay when it comes to comedy. Which is why you should really pay attention to me if I tell you the rest of the movie isn’t all that funny.

#5 – I think another indicator as to how low brow this is, the movie introduces the songs that play while the girls dance with a small title onscreen. As if we cared.

#6 – To be very fair, the acting is legitimately not terrible. You can tell that everyone has taken a few classes and have some idea of what to do at least. For an all too brief moment I though this would go somewhere. Spoiler: It didn’t.

#7 – This could have been a hilarious documentary about playing a prank on actors by making them think they were in a fake movie. Alas, we’re forced to watch the real movie. So the prank’s on us. Har de har har.

#8 – This movie is like ordering a burger at a restaurant and being given a bowl of BBQ sauce instead. There is no meat, no cheese, no bread, no onion, no pickles, no tomato, not even a tiny slice of lettuce.

#9 – I’d say that this like a porn movie without the porn except that I’ve watched porn movies that were better written than this.

#10 – When I was a kid we had to rent Body Heat if wanted to whack off to something. So we’d get a little class and a little art along with our filth. This is just plain filth.


Hell yes. However, I have to grudgingly admit that the first few minutes have some amusing “jokes” and that the actors and actresses are doing their best. I’m not blaming the cast. This was a gig, hopefully a paying one, and we all got bills to pay. So I praise them for their sacrifice. It’s a terrible, sleazy, shit film that I don’t recommend to anyone. However, it still lives on decades later. So that’s something at least.

BIKINI MED SCHOOL is a 1994 sex comedy starring Kim Dawson, Konstantine Greco, Tamara Landry, Thomas Draper, Sean Abbananto, and Anastasia Alexander. It was written and directed by Michael Paul Girard.