BAD MOVIE MONDAY: HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (1987)

Around the time that I started having BAD MOVIE MONDAY three years ago, my wife invented the term “Gratuititties” in order to describe the often gratuitous but always welcome presence of uncovered female breasts in a trashy movie. I’ve used it in as many reviews as I can, mostly because I think it’s a funny word. However, never has it been more appropriate to use than in this movie’s review. It only takes a little over one minute and thirty seconds before we see the first “gratuititties” in the film. Don’t worry though because they’ll be back again and again, and I felt like that boy at the end of ANIMAL HOUSE when a pretty girl crashes through his bedroom window onto his lap and he goes “THANK YOU GOD!” except I was thanking all the women in this movie pretty much throughout the entire movie.
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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: THE CHILLING (1989)

Do you like movies that look and feel like they were written during a weekend bender that might have included the sort of drugs that Rick James often used? Do you like movies that star actors whose fortunes have fallen so low that they’d have to rise up a few notches on the cinematic food chain in order to merely be considered “washed up”? Do you like movies made by people that seem to have seen a lot of movies but don’t seem to know how to make one themselves? Well, you’re in luck! Because today I’m reviewing THE CHILLING and it’s a Grade A quality turd.

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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: BLOOD FEAST (1963)

The film I’m reviewing today is the granddaddy of low budget trash. There had been low budget movies before, of course, and many were pretty trashy. However, none of them had been quite as shameless in their crass exploitation of sex and violence as this one. I can only imagine what the crew cut and beehive hair crowd of 1963 must have thought watching this for the first time.
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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1980)

Today’s BAD MOVIE MONDAY column is about a film called NEW YEAR’S EVIL. It was released in 1980 and was directed by Emmett Alston. It stars Roz Kelly, Kip Niven, Grant Cramer and Chris Wallace. The film is a pretty good horror movie, but… is it a slasher? I’ve always said that from 1979 to about 1983 every horror movie was trying to force itself into the slasher subgenre, often with poor results, and NEW YEAR’S EVIL is the perfect example of a movie that feels like it was hastily rewritten to fit the trend. So you know what? Instead of a review, I’m going to answer the question of whether or not NEW YEAR’S EVIL is a Slasher Movie, and my answer will be definitive.
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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: SILENT NIGHT DEADLY NIGHT PART 2 (1987)

Since Christmas was yesterday, Happy Holidays to all of you out there in internet land by the way, I’ve chosen the immortal classic Silent Night Deadly Night 2 for BAD MOVIE MONDAY. Kind of as my gift to everyone who bothers to read this silly little column. It’s my way of both thanking you for listening to the insane ramblings of my diseased brain and of introducing you to the Silent Night, Deadly Night series of films. A series that I feel is rather unique by the fact that every entry goes more and more off the rails as it progresses. Parts 3, 4 and 5 get REALLY wild, but that’s for another time Continue reading

BAD MOVIE MONDAY: BLACK CHRISTMAS (2006)

Want to hear something funny? As I was sitting here, getting ready to write this review, I only just this very second realized that “Black Christmas” is a play on words. Specifically, it twists around the cheerful upbeat title of the 1954 movie White Christmas starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. In my usual clueless chimpanzee-like way I had never made this connection even though I must have seen the original Black Christmas thirty times in the last thirty-five years. Anyway, that’s my way of introducing today’s movie. Which is not the original, but instead the 2006 remake starring Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Oliver Hudson, Lacey Chabert, Kristen Cloke, and Andrea Martin. It was directed by Glen Morgan, who was a brilliant writer on The X-Files and a not so brilliant writer on the most recent incarnation of The Twilight Zone.

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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT (1972)

I would have bet anyone a thousand dollars that 1972’s SILENT NIGHT, BLOODY NIGHT directed by Theodore Gershuny had been renamed to its current title for a home video release around 1984 in order to cash in on the then new Silent Night, Deadly Night, and I would have lost that bet. “The film was given a limited release in the United States under the title Night of the Full Dark Moon through Cannon Films, beginning November 17, 1972. It was subsequently released as Silent Night, Bloody Night in the spring of 1973 and continued to screen under this title through December 1973.”

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BAD MOVIE MONDAY: THE CHRISTMAS TREE (1991)

Today’s BAD MOVIE MONDAY entry is a doozy. So thankfully it’s under 50 minutes long. It is one of the worst and most baffling Christmas Specials I have ever seen. That it actually played on the USA Network blows my mind. THE CHRISTMAS TREE came out in 1991 and was directed by Flamarion Ferreira. A man who is right up there with Valentino Balboni, Lamborghini’s old chief test driver, when it comes to having a badass name that is guaranteed to get you laid. Joking aside, Ferraria actually has a huge resume and has worked on a truckload of various cartoons since the late seventies. I believe he’s still working today in fact. So, before I go on, I want to say that I respect the man. Yes, he’s credited as director for one of the worst movies ever, but he’s a working artist and this was a gig. I’m sure he’s a professional and did his best with what he had. When a studio gives you no time and no money and no resources to make “something”. Well… you’re gonna get what you’re gonna get. In this case they called the resulting abomination THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
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