Bad Movie Monday: Bikini Med School (1994)

Remember that scene in Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure when Pee-Wee hitches a ride with this sinister lady trucker called Large Marge, who then proceeds to tell him at great length about a terrible car crash that she witnessed? Remember how she ends her story by scaring the bejeezus out of the audience with the greatest claymation jump scare of all time and then going “Yes Sir, that was the worst accident I ever seen.” before dropping Pee-Wee off at his destination? Well, after watching BIKINI MED SCHOOL, I kind of feel like that lady. So, grab your bindle and sit in the passenger seat, because it was on a night just like tonight that I saw the worst movie I ever seen…

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Bad Movie Monday: THE MCPHERSON TAPE (1989)

Most found footage films are pretty review-proof. Seriously, how could anyone dare criticize a movie like The McPherson Tape? It is the perfect example of a no-budget film made by people working with what they had and trying to make something interesting. Criticism in cases like this feels like a venial sin, worthy of the pillory. So obviously I am totally going to review it, but by now I like to consider myself an expert at this sort of thing. Don’t try this at home kids.
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Bad Movie Monday: Splatter Farm (1986)

I’ve never really delved into the mad world of the Polonia Brothers before and I think it’s about time I gave their work a gander. The twin brothers gained fame and notoriety all the way back in 1996 when Blockbuster bought the distribution rights to their film Feeders and it became one of the video chain’s most rented indie title that year. Now, before I go on, I have to admit that I’ve tried to watch Feeders several times but I could never really get into it. It just felt really slow and meandering. Perhaps I wasn’t in the right mood. I don’t know. I will watch it one day, I promise. For now, I’m going to review one of their earlier movies SPLATTER FARM.

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Bad Movie Monday: Dreamland (2019)

Since this is a review of the Canadian movie Dreamland (Not to be confused with the Margo Robbie starring movie of the same name that came out the same year) let me start by telling you a story about another movie that was also directed by Bruce McDonald and written by Tony Burgess. Pontypool. I kind of ignored Pontypool when it came out, only watching it on streaming much later, after which it suddenly became one of my favourite horror movies of all time. It certainly taught me never to rely on my initial gut reaction that’s for sure, but then again my gut was never too trustworthy in the first place. You’re talking to a guy that loudly and obnoxiously proclaimed that the Suspiria remake would be sure to suck “Especially with that Fifty Shades of Grey chick as Suzy Bannion!” Eeesh… am still wiping the egg off my face for that one. Shame unto me. Many apologies to Dakota Johnson. I should have had more faith. Anyway, Pontypool is a masterclass in simplicity. One location, four actors, and a lead with such a deep and smooth and sonorous voice that it nearly crackles with electricity when he speaks. It was perfection. Then, eleven years later the sorta-sequel Dreamland appeared out of nowhere while the world was hip deep in the COVID epidemic. So it got a less than stellar box office and the critics savaged it. Let’s see if I can’t undo some of that damage.

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Bad Movie Monday: Troll 2 (1990)

I saw the original Troll many many moons ago, in the mythical faraway fantasy age of the late eighties, and it’s probably my favourite Harry Potter movie of all time. Har-Har. Go to the film’s IMDb page and look up the names of the characters to understand my rapier wit sarcasm. Troll stars Michael Moriarty, Noah Hathaway, Sony Bono, June Lockhart, Julia-Louis Dreyfus, and Phil Fondacaro. A pretty solid cast. It was directed by late great special effects artist John Carl Buechler and was written by the legendary Ed Naha. Google him, you’ll see why I call Naha legendary. The original film even has a kinda sorta naked Elaine Benes in a few scenes. What’s not to like? So today, of course, I’m going to review it’s sequel Troll 2. Sigh.

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Bad Movie Monday: Dune (1984)

I’m going to teach everyone on the internet how to properly say Denis Villeneuve’s name because most of you in English speaking countries are butchering it so goddamn bad that I feel the need to personally step in and address this incredibly unimportant issue. Probably the worst attempt I’ve heard so far was someone on YouTube calling him Dunneees Villaynueve, which is this weird thing Americans do. If they can’t say a French word or name they’ll just pronounce it with a cartoonishly Spanish accent and hope for the best. Take it from me, someone who is French, you sound ridiculous doing that. Okay, ready for your lesson kids? Take notes. There may be a test. “Denis” is pronounced as if you’re almost saying “The Knee” only with more of a D sound at the beginning. Relatively simple. As for “Villeneuve”, repeat after me: “Ville”, like the word Evil without the E. Pretend you’re Donald Pleasance in Halloween. “Neu”, like the word Nerve without the R. And finally a hard V sound at the end.

The Knee Ville-Neu-V. NOW SAY IT RIGHT! Good job. Now, what the hell was I doing? Oh, yeah… I was going to review David Lynch’s DUNE.

Cue music by Toto.

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Bad Movie Monday: Zardoz (1974)

John Boorman’s oft-maligned film Zardoz celebrated it’s 50th anniversary on February 6th. Which made me curious to reread what I’d said about it in my review for Cinema-Crazed. I have this terrible memory you see, and I just couldn’t quite remember anything specific that I wrote, but I was absolutely 100% sure I must have written something interesting. So, I began to do a search on the site and, after finding nothing, I double and then triple and then quadruple checked. Nothing. It was then that I realized to my utter dismay and embarrassment that Mr. Dumbass (That’s me!) had never written a review. I had thought about it, bounced ideas in my head, had long debates with myself, but I never actually, you know… WROTE THE GOD DAMN THING. Today, that’s going to change.

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