The Broad, Disappointing Strokes of “Avatar”

Reposted from December 31st, 2009

There’s something about shooting fish in a barrel, and if any modern equivalent of a movie which lent itself to post-modern bashing more than Avatar does, you might only have truly smug equivalents of Stepin Fetchit, and those examples are self-aware.

Example: The gold toothed robots in Transformers 2. Clearly, they either knew what they were doing and did it anyway, or they simple didn’t know and it was perceived that way, but there’s no way a rational and cognizant person can not watch those robots and think, ghetto stereotype. But then, that opens me to my own criticism from the straw man who says, “I didn’t see that, you did, you f___ing racist!” Well, I asked my friends, so bite me. I hadn’t actually seen the flick until recently, where my thoughts were confirmed. Too busy watching shit that matters, I suppose.

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Everything Ends, and so should “The Oscars”

I’ve been an avid Oscar fan since I was five years old. I’ve watched every single show since I was a wee lad, and I’ve always had a good time with the energy and love for movies. Over the years the Oscars have tested my devotion to the entire process what with the politics and unusual decisions for its awards. It always took top priority when I was growing up, and now it’s rare that I watch the entire ceremony in one sitting. Now in 2022, “The Oscars” seems so antiquated, especially when they’re still refusing to acknowledge interesting, and unique filmmaking in favor of the same old stuff we’ve seen a thousand times already.

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We Don’t Talk About Tatum Enough

Most recently I was discussing the “Scream” movie series with someone online, and while discussing Tatum Riley, they made the statement that she literally contributes nothing to “Scream.” I completely disagreed. Not only is Tatum Riley a major contributor to the fate (and genesis) of Sydney Prescott, but she’s easily the most important character of the first “Scream,” barnone.

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Mediocrity and Peril at Action Park

Seth Porges’ fantastic documentary “Class Action Park” recently debuted on cable, prompting me to think back at the time I survived Action Park. I say survived, and not visited, because as a kid I had no idea how utterly absolutely dangerous and deadly the theme park had a reputation for being. On its surface it looked like a wonderful place to have some good summer time adventure, and the ads that played non-stop on television during the summer season made the place look amazing. But like “Itchy & Scratchy Land,” it was a death trap in disguise with horrendous hazards capable of maiming and or killing you.

Sans the robots, of course.

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The Best Animated Movie Satire I’ve Ever Seen

Part of what made the Looney Tunes and Warner Bros. dynasty so great beyond its characters, was its limitless ability to mock and satirize Hollywood. At a time where Hollywood was adored and enamored by so many, Warner Bros. actually did a great job of taking the piss out of people like Humphrey Bogart and Clark Gable. In 1993, Fox Studios and Warner brought back the formula that they’d abandoned for decades with “The Animaniacs.” While the show was primarily a series filled with segments primarily aimed toward children, some of the segments brought back a lot of the classic Warner Bros. traditions, including satirizing modern Hollywood.

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Musings On An Ear

“Torture you? That’s a Good Idea. I Like that One. Sounds Fun.”

I’m often given a stink eye when I proclaim “Reservoir Dogs” as one of my lesser liked Tarantino films. While I think it’s stellar, I also think it possesses a lot of the hallmarks of a fresh talent desperate to impress right out of the gate. That said, I would agree “Reservoir Dogs” is a wonderful example of crime cinema, and a wonderful exploration on the levels of brutal violence. All at once Tarantino explores cartoonish action movie violence, brutal realistic violence, and a personal kind of violence that people still talk about to this day.

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“Beavis and Butt-Head Do America” is the Zenith of the 90’s Most Notorious Duo’s Popularity

I was lucky enough to live through three generations of animated characters that not only drove adults crazy, but caused unnecessary havoc in schools and church for me. First there was Bart Simpson, who I remember listening to my teacher lecture us about him being a bad influence. In the late nineties we met a foursome of foul mouthed boys from “South Park” that also sparked immense hysteria and controversy. In between though there were two products of the 1990’s. They were the slacking, burnt out rocker, bare minimum, anti-establishment pair of losers who did nothing but watch TV and try to get laid.

They were known as “Beavis and Butt Head.”

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“You’re Next” is Still One of the Top Ten Slashers of All Time

Simplicity has always been the best friend of the slasher movie. Nine times out of ten the best slasher movies aren’t convoluted or complex. Most times they’re just simple premises with simple motivations but a lot of subtext added throughout the narrative. “Halloween,” “Scream,” “Friday the 13th,” all benefited from being fairly simplicity and so does “You’re Next.” Adam Wingard’s horror thriller came like a wrecking ball back in 2011, sideswiping me and just blowing me out of my seat. Although now he’s headed for the bigger blockbusters, Wingard’s horror outings tend to channel John Carpenter with how they mesh sub-genres.

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