Memoirs of a Gay Porn Critic

I’m a gay porn critic.

No, not really. I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I used to review porn, but that’s beside the point.

A long time ago I got in to a bit of a verbal war with their Asylum Entertainment’s most noted director who engaged in a back and forth with me for a long time, and even took exception to my bashing of his films on a major independent film website. Often I spent my days on another message board on my online haunts discussing the terrible movies coming from the Asylum, and often times I was inundated with attacks from people in the studios.

Continue reading

Zombie Apocalypse (2011)

The Asylum never met a trend they didn’t hop on to for all the moolah in the world. Since zombies are all the rage and have become something of a culture in the world, The Asylum naturally jumps on the bandwagon to offer up their own view of what the world would look like under the rule of the walking dead. Or “zombies” as the characters call them. This time around director Nick Lyon is at the helm and brings us a movie that is not so much an original film so much as it is a pastiche of better sub-genre offerings.

Continue reading

Almighty Thor (2011)

Never ones to be outdone by the big budget action spectacular that is “Thor,” The Asylum continues their tradition of finely timed mock busters releasing “Almighty Thor” for the masses and what a dilly of a pickle it is. As a production it’s quite a creative bit of wannabe big budget entertainment, but deep down it lacks all the basic necessities of filmmaking that include competent special effects and solid performances. The second best option to Anthony Hopkins, Kevin Nash for one, is hilarious as the father Odin, who can barely squeeze out a bit of dialogue without panting.

Continue reading

Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes (2011)

In 2006 when The Asylum’s “Halloween Night” was released, the studio claimed the film about a mental patient that crashes a Halloween party and begins slaughtering the guests, was based on true events because at the time there were reports of a mental patient on the loose and for a moment they were sure the patient snuck in to the party only to be assured he wasn’t. That’s their reasoning for calling something a true event, so I expect the same amount of circular logic and convoluted reasoning from Asylum’s spin doctors for proclaiming “Anneliese: The Exorcist Tapes” completely and one hundred percent true in footage when it becomes painfully apparent from the opening that not only is the film one hundred percent staged, but about as poorly acted as any other Asylum farce to boot.

Continue reading

Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus (2010) (DVD)

maxresdefaultBefore you write this off, I have two words for you: Jaleel White. Now calm down, before you start jumping up and down screaming in excitement, he’s about the only draw here. If you were around in the nineties. And liked “Family Matters.” And remember who Jaleel White is. No he didn’t play Carlton in “Fresh Prince.” In either case, The Asylum is not intent on implementing brevity for the sake of catching on with their fan base. To prove how unnecessarily lengthy the title is I can still fondly remember showing my dad the DVD and him smiling at the premise of the movie. Twenty minutes later, this man who is known for having a mind like a steel trap and over the course of an hour continued mixing up the title.

Continue reading

Breaking Out of the Asylum: Interview with Director Leigh Scott

leighWhether or not you actually agree with Leigh Scott’s methods of filmmaking and business, whether or not you like Asylum, whether or not you’ve ever bothered to see a film from Asylum, you can’t argue that Leigh Scott is definitely ambitious and has an eye for detail. Though films like “Transmorphers” and “Pirates of Treasure Island” were considered busts and universally mocked, there’s a definite knack for detail and cinematography there that you can’t deny.

Leigh Scott went to work for Asylum pictures a long time ago becoming their most prominent director, a man who guaranteed to get their movies out there in time with a solid cast, and since then he’s branched out to make films on his terms and try to emulate the directors he’s come to admire as a film buff. The Milwaukee born filmmaker is still at it, and now has the chance to hit the scene in a big way with a revisiting of the L. Frank Baum tale “The Wizard of Oz” which is a modern take with a twist called “The Witches of Oz” about an adult Dorothy now being called on to save her own reality when the Wicked Witch of the West decides to conquer Earth.

Often a controversial filmmaker spawning many articles and questions of his practices, Scott has shown no signs of slowing down any time soon and continues to power on with this much talked about production expected to have a limited release soon. Though Leigh and I have a rather interesting, volatile, infamous (any other adjectives you can think of) history together, I thought it would be a good chance to interview Scott and see what he’s been up to and why he decided to twist the tale of “Wizard of Oz” for the modern age.

Continue reading

Universal Soldiers (2007)

universalsoldiersNo, this is not connected in anyway to the Van Damne turkey “Universal Soldier.” And it’s not a sequel, remake, or spin-off. It is indeed yet another rip-off from none other than Asylum, who insists it’s much better than the original. And trust me, if you’ve seen “Universal Soldier,” it is not a claim to be proud of, in any respect. In either case, it’s probably one of the most laughable attempts to mimic and blatantly steal from another established property, while also basically stealing a title.

Continue reading