Taking every bit and piece it can from “Slaughter High,” 2001’s painfully bland and tedious “Valentine” examines what happens when you fuck a nerd in the ass. At a school dance for Valentine’s Day, young Jeremy Melton experiences endless rejection from his classmates during the dance and braves the social experience anyway. After young Dorothy Wheeler sets him up to become the target of school bullies, Jeremy is never heard from again and becomes fodder for the group of girls later in their lives. I always assumed horror films were supposed to focus on likable characters. If not, there should be at least one or two likable characters you can connect with. “Valentine” works against such an effort focusing on four of the most vapid and utterly despicable young girls ever written, all of whom are stuck up rich snobs just asking to be brutally slaughtered.
Tag Archives: V
Vamp (1986)
As a kid, I spent my time around many adults who used to rent videos from my neighborhood video stores. And often times they’d have viewing parties where they’d all hunker down, pop in one video after another and experience whatever title they took a chance on renting sight unseen. And as a child born in 1983 I spent a lot of my time watching with them. As such “Vamp” from 1986 is one of the earliest memories of a movie that continues lingering in my mind to this day. The climax of our protagonists escaping from the vampires in the sewer attempting to reach daylight has been etched in to my brain along with the lowering platform finale of “Day of the Dead.”
Vintage Lesbian Erotica (Uncensored Version) (DVD)
The first bit of Erotica I ever reviewed for Cult Epics was “American Nudes,” a three disc compilation of erotica shorts that started in the mid-twenties and the silent era and ended in the late nineties where the production qualities were much better but the sex much more artificial. Never remiss to explore all facets of erotica in its truest forms, Cult Epics has compiled a two hour array of vintage lesbian erotica from the 1930’s to the 1960’s that’s both fascinating in its delving of photography and the lengths of innocence and horseplay among its female cast, and rather arousing if you’re in to the girl on girl fetish.
Vampires Suck (2010)
This is from the morons who brought us “Epic Movie,” “Disaster Movie,” and “Meet the Spartans.” Do I need to explain myself anymore? Do I really? If it were up to me I’d just leave you with this whole string of sentences and that’d be about it, but then what’s the point of even reading this review? If you want to watch “Vampire Sucks” take every single god forsaken “Twilight” spoof you’ve ever seen on Youtube, FunnyorDie, and YTMD, mash them together and sit through it. I guarantee that you’ll laugh more in that compilation that you ever will here.
Valentine's Day (2010)
What with director Richard Curtis’s “Love Actually” becoming a bonafide crowd pleasing classic featuring an ensemble of the greatest British actors around with the heavy theme of love conquering all, it was only a matter of time until American studios decided that Americans needed their own love themed ensemble classic, in spite of the fact that most people who love “Love Actually” don’t mind that it’s British. Nevertheless not ones to just stand back and let the Brits have the love, “Valentine’s Day” is a two hour Hallmark card, one that doesn’t enlist the best American cast, but the hottest, with the newest and most in vogue engaging in their own mini-plots vested in the themes of the exploitative of holidays: “Valentine’s Day.”
Vampyros Lesbos (2008)
Matthew Saliba is an interesting gentleman. So far his film works have been heavily mired in giallo and exploitation, while presenting his shorts in a myriad of beautifully rendered photographs that tell more of a story than most short films. And if that’s not the kicker he offers up his own interpretation of a Grindhouse classic: “Vampyros Lesbos.” I’m not a big fan of the grindhouse original, but I was very much open to see what Saliba had to offer. As a photographer and director he can tell a damn strong story. Not to mention there be lesbians and vampire lesbians in this, so I saw this as soon as I received it. “Vampyros Lesbos” is an utterly ambitious interpretation from the outset presenting a demonstration not just in sexuality, but orgasmic storytelling told through a series of photographs that rely more on human expression and soul instead of acting ability.
Vanished Acres (2006)
There isn’t much you can do with the fantasy genre anymore, especially with the short film format, but lo and behold, director Adam Bolt finds a way by making his fantasy characters much less cutesy padding, but much more incredible symbols of unrequited love, unspoken misery, and demons of the past that simply won’t stay dead. Bolt’s direction is morbid enough to where even the most light hearted moments are filled with dread and spooky plot elements that always keeps “Vanished Acres” on the border of horror.