{"id":13692,"date":"2010-10-15T13:56:04","date_gmt":"2010-10-15T17:56:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/?p=13692"},"modified":"2010-10-15T13:56:04","modified_gmt":"2010-10-15T17:56:04","slug":"a-series-of-tweets-from-the-recently-re-animated-dead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/2010\/10\/15\/a-series-of-tweets-from-the-recently-re-animated-dead\/","title":{"rendered":"A Series of Tweets from the Recently Re-Animated Dead"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Recovered from @FleshEatr87; Dictated By Joseph Ovelito<\/p>\n

Despite experiencing a resurgence in popularity akin to the kind enjoyed by any fading star who \u201caccidentally\u201d releases a hot sex-tape, zombies have never had fair treatment. In the realm of horror movie villains, they are the nameless drones, the middle children, the pawns on the chess board of scary cinema. Vampires get to be sex symbols, slashers get cool back stories, and evil Leprechauns get to explore space and America\u2019s inner cities (Leprechaun 4: In Space and Leprechaun in the Hood, represent). Zombies, on the other hand, exist solely so our protagonists can spend half the movie running away from them in terror before realizing that destroying the head\/brain isn\u2019t very difficult when the thing that\u2019s stalking you moves about as quickly as an amputee wading through cement. We never get to know what they are actually thinking\u2026 until now, that is. With modern technology revolutionizing the way we communicate with one another\/download pornography, it seems only fair that even the undead get a chance to play with all the new gadgets. Here\u2019s what might happen if a zombie was equipped with a smart phone and a Twitter account. Enjoy\u2026<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Was just brought back to life by radiation from a satellite\/\u201drage-infected\u201d monkeys\/\u201crage-infected\u201d radiation\u2026not really sure. Kind of hungry.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Look at my username. See those numbers at the end? 87. I was born in 1987, which means I was still a young man when I died\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: It\u2019s tragic, really. Of course, I\u2019m a zombie, so I\u2019m not even that same kid, am I? Just a hunk of reanimated flesh, more or less\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Hmm, surprised no one has pondered the philosophical conundrum this presents, after all when you OH SHIT BRAINS!<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: So, I just attacked a young girl and was shocked to find out she had no brains in her skull for me to consume. Was confused, then I saw she\u2019d been listening to Justin Bieber on her iPod. That explains that\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Haha, I think I just ran into the people who used to be my parents, they were all like \u201coh baby we can\u2019t kill you we\u2019ve missed you so much.\u201d<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: I ate the shit out of them. They made it too damn easy for me.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: If any fellow zombies read this thing, seriously, go eat your old family. They just can\u2019t find it in their hearts to kill you, it\u2019s so pathetic.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: By the way, I\u2019m an old-school, Romero zombie, so I move pretty slowly, in case you were wondering. Those super-fast ones are on steroids.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Man it is effing difficult to type on these small keys when your fingers are rotting off. If any sweet zombie bitches are reading this, though, my dick did not yet rot off. Better get on that shit before it does.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Yo, I\u2019m getting the hang of this being an evil undead creature thing. Just attacked an old folks home, that was a damn all you can eat buffet.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: See, half the people there might as well already be zombies. They move even slower than we do and look twice as scary. Easy targets.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: The other half are senile and don\u2019t know to run\/wheel away from you. I was eating one dude and he kept telling me about how he was on his way to see Dimaggio play ball.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Maternity wards are pretty excellent feeding grounds also, though they serve finger foods, mainly.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: What? Don\u2019t judge me\u2026I\u2019m a damn zombie, I have literally no morals. Zero. I make Hitler looks like Santa Claus.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Oh man, wouldn\u2019t it be badass if the zombie virus affected, like, not just humans? Cuz I\u2019m stumbling by the zoo right now\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Zombie elephants. That would be the shit. Imagine, you\u2019re just walking down the street, and a damn zombie elephant comes marching down.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: I mean, that\u2019s it. Right there, you\u2019re dead. You\u2019d be too paralyzed with fear to do anything except stand there.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: So, people I want to eat: Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Alex Trebek, Kim Kardashian, all those Jersey Shore kids\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: I would suspect that the Jersey Shore kids are already zombies, but honestly, they make the real zombies look smart.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: I am getting like, zero bars right now. Time to go attack a Verizon store\u2026<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: I kind of feel bad for all these people I\u2019ve been killing. Honestly, I\u2019m a rotting corpse who moves at the speed of a damn Prius. Destroying my brain should not be this difficult.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: ROB ZOMBIE. Shit, that\u2019s it. I want to eat Rob Zombie, making him one of us. Plus, he ruined the Halloween movies for me.<\/p>\n

FleshEatr87: Oh well, the battery is dying. I was gonna delete my Twitter account anyway. I reveal too much information on here. Last retirement home I passed had already been hit, someone must have taken my suggestion.<\/p>\n

When he\u2019s not trying to think like a zombie, columnist Joe Oliveto serves as executive editor of Evilchili.com writing hilarious and socially relevant lists and articles about entertainment and current events. He’s currently our favorite comedy writer. If you liked what you read here, head on over for daily humor where he constantly tweets from the perspective of the Amish, Elmo, and many more world figures.<\/p>\n

Thanks to Joe Oliveto for celebrating Halloween with us and risking his neck recovering tweets from the walking dead.<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Recovered from @FleshEatr87; Dictated By Joseph Ovelito Despite experiencing a resurgence in popularity akin to the kind enjoyed by any fading star who \u201caccidentally\u201d releases a hot sex-tape, zombies have never had fair treatment. In the realm of horror movie villains, they are the nameless drones, the middle children, the pawns on the chess board […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":31,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[219,1219,1221],"class_list":["post-13692","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-halloween-horror-month","tag-comedy","tag-zombie-apocalypse","tag-zombies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13692","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/31"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13692"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13692\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13692"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13692"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13692"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}