{"id":16379,"date":"2014-12-25T02:08:28","date_gmt":"2014-12-25T07:08:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/?p=16379"},"modified":"2015-09-23T02:10:49","modified_gmt":"2015-09-23T06:10:49","slug":"top-5-baffling-aspects-of-tmnt-we-wish-you-a-turtle-christmas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/2014\/12\/25\/top-5-baffling-aspects-of-tmnt-we-wish-you-a-turtle-christmas\/","title":{"rendered":"Top 5 Baffling Aspects Of \u201cTMNT: We Wish You a Turtle Christmas\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"KH7yv\"<\/a><\/p>\n

There are no weapons, there\u2019s no fighting, no Shredder, no April, no Casey, and no foot clan. And those aren\u2019t the worst crimes this monstrosity commits. This is the definition of a quick cash grab. I am quick to believe someone raided a storage closet from a party entertainers\u2019 warehouse, and decided to release their own Christmas themed Ninja Turtles video. Even at eleven years old, I would have shut it off after the first few minutes. \u201cWe Wish You a Turtle Christmas\u201d doesn\u2019t even last longer than twenty five minutes in length, and still feels long as hell.<\/p>\n

The plot to this anomaly is that the turtles are trying to find a present for Master Splinter. So they prepare for Christmas, and go looking for a perfect present. Cue the mind numbingly terrible cash grab that is \u201cWe Wish You a Turtle Christmas.\u201d Here are five of the more head scratching aspects of the twenty minute \u201cspecial.
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5. No One knows about the Turtles Secret Lair\u2014except a bunch of kids<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s a top secret area of the sewer where the turtles and Splinter lives. They train there, they commute there, they hide out from the Foot Clan there. It\u2019s like the Bat Cave, and yet when they\u2019re putting up the trees, and singing carols, there are bunch of kids celebrating with them. And feigning interest in these characters\u2019 flimsy costumes; so much for secret lairs.<\/p>\n

4. Anthropomorphic talking and dancing turtles doesn\u2019t phase people in New York<\/strong>
\nThe turtles rock and roll around New York during the night to find the perfect present for Master Splinter. Apparently in 1994 you could still shop in the middle of the night, and you would be a talking and walking human sized turtle without drawing attention to yourself. Hell, the turtles sing in front of a tree in Times Square, and have a dance number in some kind of tunnel. It\u2019s too bad we didn\u2019t have a tap dancing Casey Jones.<\/p>\n

3. Splinter has to fire his fur trimmer<\/strong>
\nThe actor wearing the Splinter outfit is obviously wearing a helmet that looks somewhat like splinter. It\u2019s detached from the rest of the costume and wobbles whenever he moves his head to mimic speech, and it\u2019s painful to endure. If you think the turtles with their flapping mouths are horrifying, wait until you see Splinter who sounds more like Jimmy Durante than an elderly Asian man.<\/p>\n

2. The Turtles apparently plan dance numbers off duty<\/strong>
\nHey, we saw in the 1990 movie that the turtles can definitely dance; they also busted a move in \u201cSecret of the Ooze,\u201d so why is it so terrible to see them dance in sync once again? Probably it\u2019s because the suits are awful. Maybe it\u2019s because the music is terrible. Or perhaps you figure Ninjas would be training rather than learning how to do the robot.<\/p>\n

1. Mikey can sing Opera\u2026?<\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s 1994! The fandom for the Ninja Turtles is dwindling and Mirage has all but saturated their franchise, so how do you help revive the characters? Show one of the most popular in the team singing opera! Of course, it\u2019s so genius. Even in the ironic sense, watching Michaelangelo sing an operetta in front of a Christmas tree in a seemingly deserted Times Square works against what this special tries to achieve. It\u2019s a hideous and nearly unwatchable moment in a truly bizarre special that features Splinter singing, the turtles dancing like rockettes, and turtles suits that make the characters look like their penises are hanging off their shells.<\/p>\n