{"id":23928,"date":"2017-01-16T15:02:19","date_gmt":"2017-01-16T20:02:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/?p=23928"},"modified":"2017-01-16T15:18:50","modified_gmt":"2017-01-16T20:18:50","slug":"five-questions-batman-robin-left-me-asking","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/2017\/01\/16\/five-questions-batman-robin-left-me-asking\/","title":{"rendered":"Five Questions \u201cBatman & Robin\u201d Left Me Asking"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>It\u2019s been twenty years since \u201cBatman & Robin\u201d was unleashed in theaters, prompting a lot of folks that were there in 1997 to think back on what is easily one of the most unwatchable movies ever made. And I don\u2019t mean unwatchable in that you can see it with a laugh, or unwatchable in that it hurts so good. I mean it\u2019s unwatchable. The last time I popped in a Blu-Ray for \u201cBatman & Robin\u201d I had a very difficult time making it through the first half hour, and I admittedly shut the movie down right when Barbara finds the conveniently placed suit Alfred made for her.<\/p>\n

1997 was a big year for me, and one of the most memorable of my life, it was a year of big movies, big music, and big changes and \u201cBatman & Robin\u201d is that movie that\u2019s remembered for being so unbearably awful. What was once a childhood favorite is a movie that hasn\u2019t aged well. At all. It\u2019s putrid. But in honor of the twentieth anniversary of Joel Schumacher\u2019s toy commercial, I thought I\u2019d ponder on five questions the movie\u2019s badly written script left me asking.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>5. Are Batman & Robin\u2019s Suits like Swiss Army Knives?
\n<\/strong>When we meet the dynamic duo in \u201cBatman & Robin\u201d they confront Mr. Freeze and his goons in a museum, and they battle his army of thugs with retractable ice skates installed in their boots. Did they know ahead of time that Freeze would be storming the crime scene and turning everything in to ice? If not, then why would they install skates on the chance they might need them? Did Alfred install just a bunch of goofy peripherals for no reason? Like do Batman and Robin have pez dispensers in their elbows, hedge clippers in their finger tips, and badminton gloves that pop up upon demand? I imagine when they walk around they rattle like tool sheds.<\/p>\n

4. If Superman Exists in this Universe, what Does He Look Like?
\n<\/strong>Batman is a superhero who barely can move his neck, has a suit that proudly dons sculpted abs and nipples, a cod piece, ridiculous weaponry, and he\u2019s now officially a celebrity who appears at local auctions with his own credit card. I can only imagine Superman has long hair, a glittery costume with his own codpiece that look like Alex DeLarge, the patented cellophane S that he restrains villains with a sexual subtext, most likely has a Cuban accent, and is the polar opposite of Batman and Robin. Where the pair are almost like a bickering pair of lovers throughout parts two and three, Superman probably sleeps with every female villain he comes across and ducks out in the middle of the night.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>3. <\/strong>Why Do Batman, Robin, and Batgirl get silver and black suits? Because Merchandise.
\n<\/strong>According to the merchandise, Batman and Alfred build a suit for every occasion, including the introduction of the silver accents. I\u2019m not sure how the silver helps them fight a sub-zero villain or a villainess that can control plants, but I guess Batman knows better than we do. He also has a Battle Gear suit because a ninja needs clunky heavy armor in battle, and snow walking armor which is pointless because Mr. Freeze is all about ice. Either way, it\u2019s nice to know Batman is focusing on the essentials.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>2. How did Alfred Get Barbara\u2019s Measurements?
\n<\/strong>In the finale, we learn that Alfred didn\u2019t just have a suit ready for Barbara to fight crime in, at the ready, on the off chance she conveniently found out Bruce and Dick were crime fighters, but he also had her measurements. What if Barbara never found the suit and she had a son and he found the suit? Would he have to wear his mom\u2019s suit? And how did he get his niece\u2019s measurements? I imagine being Alfred, he called in to her school and asked, but can you imagine if one night he drugged her, and just took her complete measurements while she was out cold? I was also never sure why she enters the scene as Batgirl with the Batman cowl, and then tears it off for the simple Domino mask, either. Wouldn\u2019t loose hair hurt her in combat? Also, can you imagine if after she calls herself Batgirl, Bruce declares \u201cBitch, please. You\u2019re Robin Girl, now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>1. How did Bruce Engineer Building the Bat Cave?
\n<\/strong>I imagine what Bruce did was hire a bunch of contractors and government workers, all of whom either signed a very tight contract, then were murdered by Batman a week later. Almost like that scene with the bootleg videotape from \u201cThe Simpsons\u201d where the general shoots the camera man to ensure complete<\/em><\/strong> confidentiality. I can just imagine how awkward it would have been while they were making up the plans for the bat cave:
\nBruce: So I want this Bat shaped platform to spin and present the car.
\nContractor: Good idea. What\u2019s this for again?
\nBruce: Shut your mouth and work, monkey.
\nContractor: These bats keep shitting on me.
\nBruce: They stay. They are my family. My inspiration. My influence.
\nContractor: For\u2026 what, exactly?
\nBruce: Shut your whore mouth. Now, I also want this secondary platform to spin and split in two showing off Dick\u2019s motorcycle.
\nContractor: The one that says \u201cRobin\u201d on it?
\nBruce: Yes.
\nContractor: And you want Robin shaped lights on the display doors?
\nBruce: Yes.
\n<\/em><\/strong>Contractor: Wh-why does it say Robin… again\u2026?
\nBruce: You know Chuck, riding the train in Gotham is tough these days. People get pushed off platforms so easily. Get it?
\nContractor: Whatever you say, Mr. Wayne.<\/p>\n