{"id":26023,"date":"2017-10-06T00:36:56","date_gmt":"2017-10-06T04:36:56","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/?p=26023"},"modified":"2017-08-08T15:43:28","modified_gmt":"2017-08-08T19:43:28","slug":"tales-of-the-third-dimension-1984","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.cinema-crazed.com\/blog\/2017\/10\/06\/tales-of-the-third-dimension-1984\/","title":{"rendered":"Tales of the Third Dimension (1984)"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>I swear, there’s nothing more baffling and unusual than \u201cTales of the Third Dimension,\u201d a horror anthology of cobbled together horror tropes that doesn’t deliver a remotely scary movie. There’s a stiff, robotic skeleton who narrates in a bad Rod Serling impression. He’s accompanied by three puppet buzzards that interact with one another like the Three Stooges, and there’s the inexplicable recurring presence of cats. It was originally supposed to be in 3D, so there are a ton of scenes obviously meant for the gimmick that just looks laugh out loud moronic sans the effect. Finally there are three bland horror tales where, I swear, the moral of one is \u201cBe a good kid, and Santa Claus will defend you against your psychotic, mentally deranged, wheelchair bound grandmother.\u201d<\/p>\n

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If you think the bad 3D in \u201cFriday the 13th 3D\u201d is just hysterical and distracting, you’ll definitely have to get a load of the even worse effects. One scene even finds narrator Igor pointing at the audience with an obvious close up hand dangling from a string. Spoo-ky! We meet Igor (Ironically resembling the skeleton in the final scene of \u201cReturn of the Living Dead\u201d), as he rises from the grave to “terrify” audiences with three tales in the vein of EC Comics and \u201cThe Twilight Zone.\u201d The problem is that neither of the tales we see here is as clever or alarming as the aforementioned horror series. \u201cTales of the Third Dimension\u201d really is a sight to behold. It’s such a botched and poorly directed movie from top to bottom, that the introduction of the movie is planted right before the final tale of the movie.<\/p>\n

It’s obvious \u201cVisions of Sugar Plums\u201d was supposed to be the opener, and the editor plopped it in the finale and forgot to cut out the opening title. It’s so pathetically amateur. \u201cYoung Blood\u201d is a story that was much better told in the \u201cTales from the Crypt\u201d episode \u201cAdoption.\u201d Two child welfare workers are called out in the middle of the night to visit a couple looking to adopt a child. With the workers anxiously trying to palm off a \u201cproblem child\u201d on them, they’re surprised when the couple is secretly vampires who love to adopt orphans and eat them–even though they have a huge den of vampire children that they’ve adopted\u2026 for some reason. This segment is very simple and abrupt as the events unfold without a single hitch, and the vampire couple learns that their new adopted son is in fact a werewolf.<\/p>\n

The \u201ctwist\u201d endings make no sense and I suggest not over thinking it. \u201cThe Guardians\u201d is a goofy \u201cGreed is bad, mmkay?\u201d tale about grave robbers who force a cemetery caretaker to give them the location to catacombs that will allow them treasures. There they find a lame fate, including the main character who is murdered by\u2026 white lab rats (?). \u201cVisions of Sugar Plums\u201d is like \u201cThe Visit\u201d except without the quality, and garners a cheap cop out ending from a writer obviously stumped on how to end it all. Truthfully I was just glad it ended. And yes, the highlight is one of the kids in the tale playing with a He-Man and Battlecat figure. I’m not sure who \u201cTales of the Third Dimension\u201d was intended for. It’s too \u201cDisney’s Haunted Mansion\u201d to appeal to hardcore horror buffs, and might be a bit too intense for kids. It’s right smack dab in the middle for horror fans that enjoy hate watching bad movies.<\/p>\n