When a CIA operative fails to secure a scientist and his experimental new technology, he teams up with the target’s daughter and takes on a new mission; Rescue the scientist and destroy his weapon so that the soviets who captured him can’t use it against the world.
Brandon Lee stars as CIA agent Michael Gold, a hands-on operative who’s as efficient with his martial arts as he is with a gun. Laser mission opens up with him meeting Professor Braun, played by Ernest Borgnine, an actor I’ve known exclusively as the Cab Driver from Escape from New York. Both of these actors are no longer with us, a fact that makes Laser Mission seem even older than it already is. A product of 1989, Laser Mission seems perpetually trapped in VHS-quality. Whether you find it on DVD, or stream it on sites like YouTube, Laser Mission feels like a relic from the past. Like something you’d catch late on TV one sleepless night in the 90’s.
Michael moves behind enemy lines in almost-problematic face painting, done to hide his identity. A tactic that has aged very poorly, but somehow in its favor. The humor of Laser Mission is very on-the-nose, with Michael often eluding enemy forces using the kind of tactics you’d see in an old Looney Tunes episode. However, when he isn’t being ridiculously comedic, Brandon Lee shows off Michael’s skills with classic martial arts and stunts which make the movie a constant attention grabber. If you aren’t laughing, you’re finding yourself in awe of what Lee was physically capable of. A charismatic stunt-man in his own right, Michael Gold is less “James Bond” and more “Jack Burton”, à la Big Trouble in Little China.
The story is classic espionage mixed with 80’s glam and cinematic flare. Shootouts, a car chase, and a perpetual slew of henchmen blend together gloriously. Toss in a love interest, the daughter of the kidnapped scientist, and a couple of recurring goons that are used solely for comedic relief, and you wind up with the kind of film that feels like it would be in a movie. Like the kind of movie a fictional character would love, or perhaps one you’d see playing on a television within a movie or a show. It’s a surreal experience for those of us who knew Brandon Lee from such things as Showdown in Little Tokyo and The Crow. This doesn’t eliminate the fun factor though.
One scene that stuck out to me in particular was a little after the film’s half-way point. Michael Gold and the professor’s daughter, Alissa, are sitting in a dessert. They both appear down on their luck, sitting around doing nothing. Suddenly, a rogue henchman comes riding toward them on his horse at full speed. He begins to fire upon them, and Michael responds by getting up and walking toward the gunfire. Full plot armor kicks in as bullets land sporadically around Michael without so much as grazing him. Slow motion kicks in, Michael fires one round from his hand gun, and the henchman falls off the horse. The scene sets the stage for everything to come. Brandon Lee is playing an unstoppable character. The good guy can, and will, win. Not necessarily a bad thing, but definitely an element that removes any sense of concern I could have about the characters we’re supposed to be rooting for.
The film continues as expected, leading to an ending with a couple of twists, surprises, and quips. All of which scratched an itch I had no idea was begging for attention. There’s something about the purity of Laser Mission that makes it watchable. It isn’t trying to be deep, metaphorical, or any other thing it’s far from. It’s an action movie where the lead guy saves the day, gets the girl, and tosses out a one-liner before the credits roll. My only complaint about Laser Mission is the fact that it doesn’t feature a single laser at all. Only this reoccurring explanation that a laser weapon powered by a large diamond is on its way. We never get to see it finished, but at least the diamond winds up in the right hands. Michael’s.
While the film consistently reviews poorly, there’s something about its cartoonish acting, over-the-top presentation, and generic plot that gives it a sense of charm. A film that you don’t regret watching, but would be hard pressed to recommend to anyone looking for an action film in a world of Die Hards and John Wicks. If I needed a movie to put on in the background during a social gathering, this would be it. The story doesn’t require anyone’s full attention, but the journey within it is enough to pull in your attention fairly consistently. Laser Mission is sure to be playing during my next game night.