Recovered from @FleshEatr87; Dictated By Joseph Ovelito
Despite experiencing a resurgence in popularity akin to the kind enjoyed by any fading star who “accidentally” releases a hot sex-tape, zombies have never had fair treatment. In the realm of horror movie villains, they are the nameless drones, the middle children, the pawns on the chess board of scary cinema. Vampires get to be sex symbols, slashers get cool back stories, and evil Leprechauns get to explore space and America’s inner cities (Leprechaun 4: In Space and Leprechaun in the Hood, represent). Zombies, on the other hand, exist solely so our protagonists can spend half the movie running away from them in terror before realizing that destroying the head/brain isn’t very difficult when the thing that’s stalking you moves about as quickly as an amputee wading through cement. We never get to know what they are actually thinking… until now, that is. With modern technology revolutionizing the way we communicate with one another/download pornography, it seems only fair that even the undead get a chance to play with all the new gadgets. Here’s what might happen if a zombie was equipped with a smart phone and a Twitter account. Enjoy…
FleshEatr87: Was just brought back to life by radiation from a satellite/”rage-infected” monkeys/“rage-infected” radiation…not really sure. Kind of hungry.
FleshEatr87: Look at my username. See those numbers at the end? 87. I was born in 1987, which means I was still a young man when I died…
FleshEatr87: It’s tragic, really. Of course, I’m a zombie, so I’m not even that same kid, am I? Just a hunk of reanimated flesh, more or less…
FleshEatr87: Hmm, surprised no one has pondered the philosophical conundrum this presents, after all when you OH SHIT BRAINS!
FleshEatr87: So, I just attacked a young girl and was shocked to find out she had no brains in her skull for me to consume. Was confused, then I saw she’d been listening to Justin Bieber on her iPod. That explains that…
FleshEatr87: Haha, I think I just ran into the people who used to be my parents, they were all like “oh baby we can’t kill you we’ve missed you so much.”
FleshEatr87: I ate the shit out of them. They made it too damn easy for me.
FleshEatr87: If any fellow zombies read this thing, seriously, go eat your old family. They just can’t find it in their hearts to kill you, it’s so pathetic.
FleshEatr87: By the way, I’m an old-school, Romero zombie, so I move pretty slowly, in case you were wondering. Those super-fast ones are on steroids.
FleshEatr87: Man it is effing difficult to type on these small keys when your fingers are rotting off. If any sweet zombie bitches are reading this, though, my dick did not yet rot off. Better get on that shit before it does.
FleshEatr87: Yo, I’m getting the hang of this being an evil undead creature thing. Just attacked an old folks home, that was a damn all you can eat buffet.
FleshEatr87: See, half the people there might as well already be zombies. They move even slower than we do and look twice as scary. Easy targets.
FleshEatr87: The other half are senile and don’t know to run/wheel away from you. I was eating one dude and he kept telling me about how he was on his way to see Dimaggio play ball.
FleshEatr87: Maternity wards are pretty excellent feeding grounds also, though they serve finger foods, mainly.
FleshEatr87: What? Don’t judge me…I’m a damn zombie, I have literally no morals. Zero. I make Hitler looks like Santa Claus.
FleshEatr87: Oh man, wouldn’t it be badass if the zombie virus affected, like, not just humans? Cuz I’m stumbling by the zoo right now…
FleshEatr87: Zombie elephants. That would be the shit. Imagine, you’re just walking down the street, and a damn zombie elephant comes marching down.
FleshEatr87: I mean, that’s it. Right there, you’re dead. You’d be too paralyzed with fear to do anything except stand there.
FleshEatr87: So, people I want to eat: Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, Alex Trebek, Kim Kardashian, all those Jersey Shore kids…
FleshEatr87: I would suspect that the Jersey Shore kids are already zombies, but honestly, they make the real zombies look smart.
FleshEatr87: I am getting like, zero bars right now. Time to go attack a Verizon store…
FleshEatr87: I kind of feel bad for all these people I’ve been killing. Honestly, I’m a rotting corpse who moves at the speed of a damn Prius. Destroying my brain should not be this difficult.
FleshEatr87: ROB ZOMBIE. Shit, that’s it. I want to eat Rob Zombie, making him one of us. Plus, he ruined the Halloween movies for me.
FleshEatr87: Oh well, the battery is dying. I was gonna delete my Twitter account anyway. I reveal too much information on here. Last retirement home I passed had already been hit, someone must have taken my suggestion.
When he’s not trying to think like a zombie, columnist Joe Oliveto serves as executive editor of Evilchili.com writing hilarious and socially relevant lists and articles about entertainment and current events. He’s currently our favorite comedy writer. If you liked what you read here, head on over for daily humor where he constantly tweets from the perspective of the Amish, Elmo, and many more world figures.
Thanks to Joe Oliveto for celebrating Halloween with us and risking his neck recovering tweets from the walking dead.