I often wonder what it would be like if Eli Roth and I actually decided to do an interview together. Sure, it may polarize anyone else from ever wanting to provide an interview for Cinema Crazed, but I’d be happy anyway, because I’d openly ask that ass clown questions that would not only put him on the spot, but make him sweat. Every movie review site has someone they dislike in Hollywood, and Eli Roth is that person for Cinema Crazed. He’s not only a smug asshole, but he’s also an untalented shit for brains whom people assume is great because he splashes blood in their faces.
So, without further ado, here is the imaginary interview between he and I and what it would read like:
FV: Hello, Eli.
ER: Hi! What’s that you say? Well, I made “Cabin Fever”–
FV: –Wait, wait, wait, I didn’t ask you anything.
ER: Oh, sorry. You see, I’m a director.
FV: Good for you. So, about “Hostel”–
ER: –I so rock.
(Stares blankly)
FV: What?
ER: Nothing. About “Cabin Fever”.
FV: No, Hostel.
ER: Okay. You was saying?
FV: About Hostel–
ER: Do I not rock?
(Stares blankly)
ER: Do I? You know I do! Only two movies in, and I’m declaring myself a genius, and do you know Quentem–
FV: –Quentin.
ER: Exactly! He said I’m a good movie maker.
FV: Wow. Doesn’t he think Britney Spears is a good singer, too? And doesn’t he think “Manos” is a good film?
ER: Bwa?
FV: I’m serious.
ER: You lie.
FV: No, really. He said in “Entertainment Weekly” that he likes Britney Spears music, even calling her original. Doesn’t that tell you something?
ER: That’s so gay.
FV: Can I quote you on that?
ER: (Stares blankly) Huh?
FV: Nothing, nothing. Asshole says what?
ER: What?
(snickers)
ER: Seriously, what?
FV: You’re an Olsen Twins fan…
ER: Yep.
FV: My question is this: Are you any more of a waste of space?
ER: That’s opinion.
FV: Okay. How can a homophobe be a homophobe when he’s a fan of two girls who 99 percent of their fan base consists of little girls?
ER: They rock.
FV: Personally, I think you’re hanging out with Tarantino so you can be thought of as a good director, too.
ER: Who told you–?! I mean, no! He’s awesome.
FV: You look like his retarded younger brother or something.
ER: Hey! I’m not his brother.
FV: Moving on, you’re telling people you decided not to do “Cabin Fever 2”, but isn’t that true the studio hated your draft so much they re-wrote it, kicked you out of the project and decided to make it without you?
ER: …Do you know they’re using my name to quote films now?
FV: Answer the question.
ER: I don’t have to answer that pudgy. I’m hot and girls don’t know my movies suck because they think I’m hot.
FV: Answer the fucking question.
ER: Bad guy says what?
FV: They sure do. People are also denying that the fact that “Hostel” was a hit because “Quentin Tarantino Presents” was two sizes larger in its font than “An Eli Roth Film” and were duped in to thinking it was a new Tarantino film. I think it’s the case, and I think people could have been in for a rude awakening when the credits revealed “Directed by Eli Roth”.
ER: That’s so gay. It’s not true.
FV: Then how come your film went from number one to number five and down to nine in only three weeks?
ER: People are gay.
FV: Ah, but do you concur that that’s the reason “Hostel” was a hit?
ER: No!
FV: It’s funny, because when I asked around, people were sure Tarantino directed it. It took some convincing, but they didn’t even know you’d directed it.
ER: That’s not true. People like violence.
FV: Good point. Care to elaborate?
ER: I give them what they want. People see blood and guts, and gore, and they don’t know that what they’re seeing really isn’t horror, but–
FV: –An untalented hack who has no idea how to tell a story?
ER: –No, fatty. I was going to say an elaborate exercise of the human mind through blood that signifies human cruelty and ugliness.
FV: You’re reading that from a cue card, aren’t you?
ER: Uh–no.
FV: I see your agent in the back flipping the cards.
ER: Nuh uh!
FV: And now fans are upset because Tarantino is using his name to collect checks endorsing crap films like “Hostel”.
ER: That’s not true. That’d be gay.
FV: What did Tarantino do for the film, anyway?
ER: He produced it.
FV: Anything else?
ER: Uh–um… prod… um… he helped a lot.
FV: In what parameter?
ER: Um… prod…uction.
FV: He sure as hell didn’t help write it, I mean, come on.
ER: Um… yes?
FV: He didn’t do anything, did he?
ER: What are you saying? Are you saying Tarantino is in such a slump he’s adding his name to any movie? Are you saying my movie was a hit only because of mindless movie-goers who flocked because they thought Tarantino directed it? That they’ll see any crap if it has a name on it they’re familiar with good or bad? Is that what you’re saying?
FV: Yes.
ER: Oh. (Stares blankly)
FV: Ever thought about hiring a screenwriter to pen these films, instead?
ER: What’s a screenwriter?
FV: What about collaborating with someone on your films?
ER: Collaba–coll–collo–what?
FV: What annoys me is that people have actually compared you to the likes of Kevin Smith, and Tarantino–
ER: –He rocks. He’s so awesome. So ungay.
FV: Really. Big surprise. Either way, I fail to see where the comparison bears relevance, honestly. Tarantino’s movies are bloody, sure, but he also tells one hell of a damn fine story to boot. Look at “Jackie Brown” or “Pulp Fiction”, bloody but also with a point, and then Smith. I’m not a fan of his but he’s a good writer–
ER: –I think I’m more like Takaki Miike.
FV: Takashi.
ER: Him too.
FV: Why is that?
ER: We both have bloody movies and all, and he’s awesome and I’m awesome, too.
FV: I won’t dignify that with a response. Moving on. I just think you’re a horrible director with no imagination–
ER:–Hey!
FV: You’re like a fourteen year old high schooler who visits Rotten.com and jerks off to it, and then decides one day he wants to make movies that have nothing but violence and gore without any story or imagination.
ER: Thank you!
FV: That wasn’t a compliment!
ER: Oh. Listen, don’t be mad because I rock.
FV: What about “Cabin Fever”? One of the worst movies I’ve ever seen–?
ER: –Oh boy another Christian wacko.
FV: I’m atheist.
ER: Awesome, I didn’t know you were Jewish!
FV: No, an atheist is–moving on, I think “Cabin Fever” is the epitome of lack of imagination. Tarantino took elements
from his favorite things as a child and used them as elements to tell a story, but you try and imitate him by doing the same thing except it was sloppy. The “Cujo” reference, that ridiculous scene around the campfire that made no sense, and what was with that prostate milking sequence–?
ER: –Cerina Vincent is hot.
FV: Well, something we finally agree on. Great chesticles.
ER: Oh yeah. (Nods wide-eyed)
FV: Can I get her number?
ER: No.
FV: Damn you, Roth! And what was with that pancakes kid?
ER: I like pancakes.
FV: It was stupid! You’re almost as bad as Uwe Boll.
ER: He’s awesome.
FV: Excuse me?
ER: Did you ever think that maybe “Cabin Fever’ sucked to you because it was so awesome you didn’t get it?
FV: No. I paid ten bucks you motherfucker. It was awful.
ER: A lot of people liked it.
FV: That’s true.
ER: Critics loved it.
FV: Roger Ebert didn’t.
ER: Nuh-uh.
FV: It’s true, he said, and I agree: “Unsure of whether it wants to be a horror film, a comedy, a homage, a satire or a parable, “Cabin Fever” tries to cover every base; it jumps around like kids on those arcade games where the target lights up and you have to stomp on it.”
ER: He’s so gay.
FV: But he’s right. You’re writing lacks any direction or focus.
ER: Hey, maybe “Hostel” will be awesome.
FV: I’m hoping. I’m hoping I’m wrong about you, Roth. I’m hoping “Hostel” is great. I’ll be more than happy to admit I was wrong about you, and I’m more than willing to give “Hostel” a good review if its a great movie.
ER: Slap me skin, brother man! (holds out hand)
FV: I want my ten dollars back.
ER: I’ll pay you when this is done, I’m so awesome, I can afford ten bucks. This interview is gay, are we done?
FV: Yes, I’m done with you (drops pad) I consider you the worst director and the most smug asshole in Hollywood and it saddens me that people like you are being given a free ride leeching off of good directors, while better directors are out there trying to raise money for their own films. You’re a hack and you sir deserve to be directing commercials.
ER: “Hack”. That sounds like a cool movie. Can I use that?
(A ruckus then broke out in the interview room, and security had to restrain the interviewer. Roth didn’t press charges, but paid him back his ten bucks later on and Roth further declined to comment. He is now working on a new script called “Hack” coming out December 2008 which he attributes the inspiration to Quentem Tarantino.)
Wouldn’t it be nice?