Last week I did a Halloween movie, so for this week’s review I’m going to go with Christmas. Because if I can’t ruin ALL the holidays for everyone by associating them with terrible movies then I’m not doing my job correctly.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything two years ago, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night, so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
Okay. Let’s go back two years to the heady days of 2020. The holidays were upon us, among other equally horrible things, and that week’s turn on BAD MOVIE MONDAY was mine. So of course I picked the most insane Christmas horror movie I could find to torment and entertain my friends.
ELVES was a 1989 movie whose only real selling point was the fact that it starred seventies icon Dan Haggerty. Like most kids my age I loved the Grizzly Adams TV show. I mean, how could I not? Nice little stories about a big bear of a man having adventures with his own actual bear. What’s not to like? However, therein lay the rub for Haggerty. The show propelled him to near super-stardom as a family friendly icon, but then only lasted two seasons. So while he was a hugely recognizable name and face, he was never able to recapture that level of fame or really profit that much from it. To be fair, the man never stopped working. I might crack a lot of dumb jokes about him not caring much about being in this film, but I respect the guy. He was nothing if not honest and professional. He came in, read his lines, took his paycheck and left. He wasn’t Laurence Olivier, he was a big biker looking dude with a beard and a recognizable name, but he did his job.
That said, the fact that he would act for just about anyone whose checks didn’t bounce meant that he ended up making some utterly epic trash, and ELVES is probably the worst of the bunch. It’s obvious that Haggerty did not really care much about being in this movie. To the point where he sometimes openly sighed on camera during scenes. He wasn’t bad in the role or anything. You can tell he even had a little fun from time to time, but you can also tell that he was well aware of what he was making and was not exactly invested in making it better.
So what’s the movie about? Well, let’s look at the back of the VHS box:
Twas the night before Christmas,
And all through the town,
Blood-thirsty Elves
Are about to get down!
An innocent romp in the woods turns into a hellish nightmare when three young girls accidentally awake an army of evil “Elves” – genetically created by a Neo-Nazi mad scientist during World War II.
These hideous creatures don’t work for Santa… they have a special mission: to mate with a virgin and take over the world as a pint-sized master race!
DAN HAGGERTY (“Grizzly Adams”) stars as Mike McGavin, a department store Santa who must expose this unholy force and stop the gruesome terror before the Elves destroy Christmas.
The synopsis is kind of accurate, spoiler-y even, except for the fact that the number of elves in this movie is exactly one. So if you’re expecting a bunch of “little monster mayhem” like in Gremlins or Critters you’re going to be real disappointed. The Elf puppet they use isn’t even animated. It’s just a rubber doll with no articulation.
Here’s ten things you can expect to see in the movie:
#1 – The film opens with the main character and her two friends convening in the woods and performing a magical ceremony as “The Sisters of Anti-Christmas” A subplot that will never be brought up again.
#2 – Dan Haggerty will look like he spent an hour each morning sobbing uncontrollably while doing tequila shooters before being dragged kicking and screaming to the set.
#3 – Dan Haggerty will also constantly smoke Camels. In one scene he actually has an entire carton in front of him.
#4 – I know that the “Mean Mom” is a horror movie trope, but sweet Jesus… Lady, you’re about at an 11 on the Mommy Dearest scale.
#5 – The Elf puppet will be the worst special effect in a half decently budgeted movie that you’ll ever see. Ever. My GI Joes as a kid had more range of motion.
#6 – The little brother’s dialogue is um… uh… in questionable taste. I am rarely shocked by a movie, but this shocked me and I ain’t easily shocked.
#7 – Dan Haggerty often looks like he just wants to walk off the set in the middle of a scene and just keep on walking.
#8 – After three viewings I still have no idea if this film wants us to take it seriously or laugh at its absurdity
#9 – Dan Haggerty’s character lives in a trailer that I kept joking must have been his own on-set trailer for the movie. Knowing the budget though, I’m not sure it’s a joke.
#10 – Whoever wrote this has not only never met a teenage girl, but I’m not sure he knows what girls are.
ELVES is available for free on Tubi if you want to check it out.
Oh, and I’m not sponsored by Tubi or anything by the way. I just like to let people know where the stuff I review is available, and it just so happens that almost every movie I’ve enjoyed for BAD MOVIE MONDAY is available on Tubi. So, that’s why I mention it. Anyway, have fun!