Today’s BAD MOVIE MONDAY entry is a doozy. So thankfully it’s under 50 minutes long. It is one of the worst and most baffling Christmas Specials I have ever seen. That it actually played on the USA Network blows my mind. THE CHRISTMAS TREE came out in 1991 and was directed by Flamarion Ferreira. A man who is right up there with Valentino Balboni, Lamborghini’s old chief test driver, when it comes to having a badass name that is guaranteed to get you laid. Joking aside, Ferraria actually has a huge resume and has worked on a truckload of various cartoons since the late seventies. I believe he’s still working today in fact. So, before I go on, I want to say that I respect the man. Yes, he’s credited as director for one of the worst movies ever, but he’s a working artist and this was a gig. I’m sure he’s a professional and did his best with what he had. When a studio gives you no time and no money and no resources to make “something”. Well… you’re gonna get what you’re gonna get. In this case they called the resulting abomination THE CHRISTMAS TREE.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
This was obviously supposed to be one of those throwaway Christmas movies meant to be “watched” by busy moms, drunk dads, and kids too excited about their presents to pay attention to the TV. Yet even by setting the bar as low as possible within this very forgiving genre THE CHRISTMAS TREE manages to fail in every single way. It’s lazy, stupid, weird, creepy, slow, loud, confusing and cheap. It also manages to constantly make you go WTF without being interesting. In all my time watching bad movies, and I’ve seen more than my share of howlers let me tell you, I’ve never really seen a movie that’s bonkers but also at the same time really kind of boring.
So, let’s read the back of the VHS box, because apparently this thing also had a VHS release:
This wondrous new Christmas classic is the story of a very special orphanage, whose children love a beautiful pine tree. The evil owner of the orphanage plans to cut down the pine tree and spoil the children’s holiday. But Santa hears their Christmas wishes and soon all their dreams come true.
I won’t say that any of this is outright bullshit, although the word “wondrous” is a bit of a stretch. This is a legitimately straightforward summary of the plot, or it would be if this film had a straightforward plot. This thing is all over the damn place. To the extent that I’m reasonably certain that this movie had a lot of post-production fiddling. They probably started out with a sickly sweet and sort of bland story about orphans meeting Santa, and then later added bears and chainsaws and gambling addiction and Santa having force lightning and kids worshiping trees to spice it up.
Alright! Onto my favorite part, where I list ten thoughts that went through my head as I watched this movie.
#1 There is not a single line of dialogue in this movie that wasn’t recorded in one take.
#2 Despite some slow bits, there is some real (unintentional) peanuts of comedy gold in this particular turd. You might have to tease them out by making the jokes yourself, but the comedy is there.
#3 The story manages to be both utterly insane and stupidly predictable, and I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW IT’S DOING THIS. How do you manage to overwhelm and underwhelm at once? It’s like breaking the laws of physics.
#4 The IMDb rating for this “movie” is 1.4 out of 10. To put this in perspective Tommy Wiseau’s THE ROOM got a 3.6
#5 Despite my complaints, and the film’s very real terribleness, the hand drawn animation is competent and has a certain warmth and charm to it. I’ll take it over cheap CGI garbage any day.
#6 Some of the child actors either have just learned to talk or they were eating during the recording sessions. Perhaps both.
#7 The adult actors sound like they all took Ambien…
#8 …except for the woman who plays Mrs. Mavilda, who seems to have taken crack cocaine.
#9 The writer for this movie doesn’t seem to understand how orphanages work… or what trees are… or how children act… or what Christmas is… or what Mayors do…
#10 I’m not sure if the animators are going for cute or creepy. Every character has a flat expression and dead staring eyes. The animated version of David Lynch’s Eraserhead wouldn’t be this unnerving.
So there we go. A beautiful terrible Christmas story just in time for the holidays. During the rest of the month of December I will try to review only Christmas or Christmas themed movies that my friends and I watched during BAD MOVIE MONDAY. I’m sure I’ll break that promise instantly, but for now let’s pretend that this is what I’m going to do. Anyway, enjoy the review and happy holidays!
