It’s almost like watching teenagers act out “The Deep” on a student theater stage somewhere, because in the end, “Kraken” is basically just that. It’s a very low rent and C grade variation of “The Deep,” minus the compelling story, and wonderful characterization. And oh yes, there’s the small case of the acting and lack thereof. This low rent thief stars two people whom will garner two reactions from you. One will be “Who?” while the other will be “O-h-h-h-h-h… who?” Victoria Pratt, or as I call her “The hot chick from the crappy X-men show,” stars in “Kraken” as a marine biologist looking for an underwater treasure. Stop me, if you’ve heard this one.
She knows there’s treasure because the books she has spells out the entire legend, origin, background, and other irrelevant details for her, which causes her to spell out every single detail to us the audience. A film that promises a giant squid only serves up ten minutes of squid action. The rest? Well, it’s a low budget variation of “The Deep,” weren’t you paying attention. There are pirates, a rival group of criminals, and a lot of bad CGI that passes as a giant squid throughout the film. Pratt co-stars with douche bag Charlie O’Connell who looks like a dumber Lou Ferrigno, who is the chiseled, gritty superhero who is supposed to play off Pratt’s character.
Now, we’re told there’s a giant squid in the water, which we see for a few minutes, and about eighty percent of the character exists through dialogue and conversations about it, all of which are never interesting. “Kraken” has your usual vague characterization, and features your usual supporting characters we’re supposed to care for but never do even though they’re offed in a dramatic fashion. But worst of all is the chemistry between Pratt and O’Connell which is like watching two morons sleepwalking side by side. Match O’Connell who has no charisma, with Pratt who is bland, mesh some awful dialogue, and you have some really dull scenes.
This is their actual “sexual tension dialogue”:
“That was… scary.”
“How about some calamari?”
“You’re asking me out on a date…aren’t you?”
If you didn’t fall asleep reading that dialogue, congratulations to you. And wait until you see Pratt’s Oscar-worthy “breakdown”: “I. Have. Nothing… I. Have. Nothing!” And their whole romance/drama is on par with a typical episode of “Baywatch.” Meanwhile, most defeating about this film is the fact that the title hints at a squid, and we only really see a giant squid for about ten minutes. And even then the creature defies logic, giving loud audible screeches underwater, and killing people in rather lame methods. In the beginning an older sailor is offed in a rather defeating fashion. We have a giant squid and the best we get is him getting strangled by fishing wire? There’s just so much terrible to list, it’s difficult to run down the notes without missing something. Suffice it to say, “Kraken” is another piece of junk from the SciFi Channel with bad acting, a boring plot, and can best be summed up as a monsterless monster movies.