As softcore schlock goes, director Fred Olen Ray’s wild west romp is only sub-par, and not as entertaining as his previous bikini films. I mean how do you film a girl on girl on girl scene without even showing any of them chewing on rug? Hell, in one moment Beverly Lynne and Nicole Sheridan literally begin fighting over Belinda Gavin’s betweens, but we never actually see any of the good stuff. But I digress. While “Bikini Round Up” is just sub-par, what I really enjoy about the movie is that everything, from top to bottom is implied.
Hilarious hardcore porn star Randy Spears plays RJ McCoy, a rich Texan who is wealthy because… he has a cowboy hat and flashes money around. He even manages to buy busty blond waitress Annie (Nicole Sheridan) for a date much to her delight. In spite of he being rich, we never see a limo or a hotel room, and he instead opts for Annie’s house to mime sex in. But thankfully with Nicole Sheridan, you don’t need to see everything to know she’s insanely sexy. In either case, after a long night of sex, Annie wakes up to discover RJ died in his sleep (with a smile on his face and a hand firmly planted on her breast–that’s how I’d want to go out, too). Much to her surprise, Annie and her best friend Stacy (Beverly Lynne) discover that Annie has inherited RJ’s fortunes because in his will he stipulates that anyone next to him when he dies can get his estate. What if he died next to a five year old? Or a dog? Or a serial killer?
In either case, Annie and Stacy are surprised to learn he left behind a casino and a silver mine for her to own. Much to their surprise, when Annie and Stacy arrive to the casino, it’s abandoned and in the middle of a desolate town. Further expanding on the implied elements, Annie and Stacy never actually enter the casino. They sleep outside on the porch for one night, and later on Annie is cleaning up a room where hookers used to sleep. There’s nary a glimpse of slot machines, or roulette tables. All implied. To boot, the silver mine is being protected (or is it guarded?) by Calamity Kate. Once again Belinda Gavin’s role is mainly implied as she rides out from the darkness, and in a few brief moments of shooting off her gun, chases away the two local thugs attempting to scare off Stacy and Annie. What’s funny is upon Kate’s introduction it’s obvious she couldn’t ride her horse, so director Olen Ray only shows her riding for a few seconds.
Meanwhile, much of the conflict is minimal as local rich miser J R Masterson wants to chase the girls away to get to the silver mine. But Calamity Kate won’t allow anyone near it. Not even Annie or Stacy, and she engages in a nice little threesome with them. Yes, she’s a ghost, apparently. And in the 1800’s, they had string bikinis. Ghosts also wear eyeliner, too. It’s never made clear why Kate is protecting the silver mine and why she wants it to stay hidden, but it feels like director Fred Olen Ray wanted to end the movie as soon as he could, so much is left incredibly half assed and unresolved. But hey, Nicole Sheridan is very sexy and makes everyone else look plain by comparison. Beverly Lynne also manages to look damn good in action and performs the scarce comedy respectably, so in the end it’s not a complete wash out.