This is such a feminine film. Tea parties, exotic costumes, love that spans ages, solving problems by talking rather than fighting, empowerment, examples of Positive Masculinity, examples of Toxic Masculinity, hugging, being understanding, sensitivity, listening to women, taking care of your mental health, dealing with a traumatic past, ripping out men’s hearts with telekenisis, castrating rapists and throwing their severed penises at the wall. You know, girly things! It’s like a Splatterpunk Romance Novel, and I for one am all there for it.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything two years ago, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night, so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night. Because, despite the BAD in Bad Movie Monday, I often find these movies really good. Trust me, I wouldn’t write a thousand word review about a movie I hated. I’m too old to wallow in that kind of negativity.
BLOOD OF THE MUMMY is a 2019 horror movie starring Laura Bridges, Gill Thornton, Lily Cabrera, Justin Cole, Albert Guzman, Tremayne Blair, and Terrance Watson as “The Mummy”. It was written and directed by Christine Parker. From what I can tell it’s a film almost entirely made by women, which is always very cool to me because women bring a different vibe to the horror genre.
Now let us peruse the film’s synopsis:
AN ANCIENT CURSE, A LOST LOVE, AND RIVERS OF BLOOD!
A true labor of love, Christine and the women of Sick Chick Flicks Productions have worked for 2 years on their latest feature film Blood of the Mummy. Using all the resources that North Carolina has to offer they were able to take people on a journey back in time to ancient Egypt where an ancient curse has modern day repercussions. From the palace of the Emperor Seti, to a modern day dig in Egypt, and ultimately to an insane asylum where a young woman struggles to make sense of it all, this story will have you in its grip from beginning to gory end.
The Mummy’s Curse has plagued Louise since the horrific deaths of her parents during their discovery of the tomb of Princess Ananka over two decades ago. Now, a mysterious stranger has entered her life who may be the key to finally ending it. But, first she must reach into the dark, distant depths to face who she really is and learn the origin of the curse…
I have to be honest. When my friends and I watched this last Monday I did not have much faith that this was going to be all that great. Our little cinema appreciation group is called BAD Movie Monday after all and more often than not this name is appropriate. This time though? I would say that we actually watched a good movie. It’s hardly perfect, with a fifteen thousand dollar budget I wouldn’t really expect it to be anyway, but there’s a surprising amount of enjoyment to be found here if you’re in the right mood and come into it with the right mindset.
As far as a “review” goes, I don’t think I have the balls to truly nitpick a movie that cost less than a new Kia Rio. Not to mention that this is all pretty professionally done when you take into account the budget and what the filmmakers probably had to work with. The only real criticism I can mention is that the film is a bit too long and has a few pacing issues. I think it should have been cut by at least ten minutes, just to tighten up some scenes. Especially towards the end when things start to drag a bit. I was never bored, but I was starting to look at how much time was left around the 80 minute mark, and since this film is 100 minutes long I feel this is a problem. Other than that, anything I say would just be questioning director Christine Parker’s artistic choices and I’m not gonna do that. I think everyone in front and behind the camera was doing the best they could with what they had and made a movie that is kind of unique. I dug that.
Okay, onto my favorite part of the review where I mention ten things I feel stood out in the film.
#1 I like the song in the opening credits. It’s a goth/rock number that’s reminiscent of something you would have heard in a 1990s Dimension Films release, and I’m all for old school nostalgia.
#2 The scenes in “Egypt” ain’t bad. I mean, I’m not fooled or anything. I know that the “Sahara Desert” was just a big beach somewhere, and I know that the inside of the Egyptian tomb is just a set they built in a garage, but it really ain’t bad!
#3 I approve of the punishment received by the mean old lady who doesn’t like kids.
#4 Teenage Louise should have known the number one rule of accepting an invitation to a high school pool party: DON’T!
#5 I literally almost shit myself laughing at the scene where they try to kill The Mummy using a Tiki torch as a makeshift spear. That kid could have a won a gold medal at the Olympic Javelin Throw competition with that arm. Well… as long as he had a mummy to chuck it at. Hey, maybe that could be the sequel!
#6 In the scene where The Mummy saves adult Louise from being raped and writes a message to her on the wall in blood, I think it would have been really funny if instead of using his finger The Mummy would have used the guy’s severed penis as a pencil. I mean, it was just lying there on the ground anyway. Probably would have hurt the horror mood the filmmakers were going for though.
#7 I legit, no joking around, commend the filmmakers on portraying shock therapy realistically. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie do that before. Bravo!
#8 I’m not saying that the filmmakers consciously or unconsciously had the three guys running away from the mummy resemble the Three Stooges, but I will say that when the bald guy gets killed my instinctual response was to yell out “OH MY GOD! CURLY JOE IS DEAD!” to my wife.
#9 I’m not saying that all the gore in the last third of the movie was meant as comedy, I’m just saying it works as comedy.
#10 Louise might want to wash all the blood from her hands before drinking that tea. That’s um, uh… That’s not hygienic.
Okay! So that’s my review and thoughts. Hope you all liked it. This movie is available, for free, on both YouTube and Tubi. I highly recommend the Tubi version. It has less ads. Give it a whirl if you have a chance. It’s a fun experience. It’s also great for slumber parties and for passing the time when you’re babysitting.