Welcome back to BAD MOVIE MONDAY! Today I’m going to review something legendary. Well, legendary to me anyway. It’s called ACTION U.S.A. and stars Gregory Scott Cummins, William Hubbard Knight, Barri Murphy, Cameron Mitchell, William Smith and Ross Hagen. It was released in 1989 and directed by stuntman John Stewart. It was written by… Oh, who am I kidding? This movie wasn’t written. It was a teenager’s daydream that was doodled on the back of his algebra textbook during class and the filmmakers used that as a script. Seriously, this movie is bananas.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
Of all the “bad” action movies I’ve seen in the last couple of years, this ranks as one of the best. On the surface, the whole thing seems like pretty standard action fare. A hot chick has a bunch of bad guys chasing her because they think she knows where some stolen diamonds are hidden. So she has to be protected by two FBI agents, one of which is a loose cannon. However, this is a movie that was made by stuntmen trying to show off to other stuntmen. So when it comes to the action sequences this thing is balls to the wall. It’s basically one long non-stop chase. The main characters stop a few times for burgers and dancing, not a joke btw, but that’s about it. In fact, the only “bad” thing you can say about the movie is that you’re always kind of aware that you’re watching a movie. The acting isn’t terrible or anything, but you can tell a lot of this stuff was done in a couple of takes and that John Stewart was basically like “Eh… good enough” unless someone seriously flubbed a line. The important part was the stunts, and boy did they not skimp on those. There’s stuff in this movie will turn your ass hairs white!
So what’s it about? Let’s look at the back of the VHS box!
Billy Ray’s a bad risk. He took the mob’s family jewels, now they want his! They tried beating and scaring it out of him, but he’s not giving them up. So they kill him. Now everyone believes Carmen must know where the jewels are. The Mafia boss has brought in his “TOP GUN” to find her and the jewels. This slime-ball and his trained killers follow our heroes through CAR CHASES AND GUN BATTLES across the state of Texas leaving a trail of FIREBALLS AND HUNKS OF TWISTED METAL.
I rarely say this, but the synopsis perfectly encapsulates the movie. It promises sleazy stupid fun, and it totally delivers. I loved every minute of it. Honestly, I would probably watch this again over something like Lethal Weapon or Die Hard. Action USA is just such a perfect adolescent boy fantasy from the eighties that I’m literally getting a bit emotional from nostalgia while writing this. Don’t get me wrong, I love fun feminine films and I will always do my best to review them and recommend them. However, sometimes I really really REALLY like guy shit and this movie is all about that. It’s like a cover for Heavy Metal magazine come to low budget life. This is so wild that it’s almost like a parody of an action movie from The Simpsons or something, except it really exists, and it’s glorious.
Another thing I like is that actress Barri Murphy is there for pretty much every step of the fun. Usually, the hot chick sort of takes a back seat to the shenanigans in these things, but not here. Yes, she does play a more stereotypical damsel in distress than we’re used to seeing today but she is still involved in much of the chaos. I like that.
Alright, onto my favorite part of the review! Here are my Top 10 thoughts as I watched this:
#1 – Gratuititties? Hell yeah brother! They pop out within the first two minutes of the film.
#2 – Bar Fights? Guys jumping through windows? Helicopters? Shootouts? Musclecars having car chases? FUCK YEAH!
#3 – Explosions? HOLY. SHIT. YES. Michael Bay would cream his jeans watching this.
#4 – Bad dummies falling from great heights? Nope. Actual HUMAN BEINGS throwing themselves from great heights!
#5 – Is there a ridiculously convoluted reason for all the action scenes? But of course.
#6 – How drunk was Cameron Mitchell in this movie? Yes. How drunk was William Smith? Also, Yes. Both actors are magnificent however.
#7 – You know how some movies don’t live up to their trailer? This movie is ALL trailer.
#8 – The whole movie is basically what a sixteen year old boy daydreams of in high school when he’s not paying attention in class.
#9 – Rocking metal theme song? What do YOU think?
#10 – Oh, and just to give you an idea of just what you’re getting into with this film. Lead actress Barri Murphy INSISTED on not wearing a bra at any point in the movie. The director’s wife told her to wear one, and Barri defiantly didn’t. That’s some Mötley Crüe music video level of hot chick sassiness right there,
