Today I want to do something a bit different than what I usually do, and instead write a personal essay about what bad movies mean to me and how they’ve reinvigorated my passion for cinema. I’ve been writing this column for Cinema Crazed for over a year now, and have been watching the movies that inspire it weekly for almost three and a half years. It’s been a hell of a journey to be honest, and I think it’s worth talking about.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night, along with some of my favorite trash, so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
I’d watched bad movies before 2020 of course, I’m hardly a virgin at this sort of thing. I even sometimes sought them out for fun. Notably, I was (and still am) a fan of Exorcist II: The Heretic and The Swarm, both of which I’ve reviewed for BAD MOVIE MONDAY. I’m also a fan of Billy Jack, The Harrad Experiment, Neighbors, Beyond The Poseidon Adventure, Can’t Stop The Music, Change of Habit, Zardoz, and a host of other films that I have not written about yet, although I probably should eventually. I’ve also watched quite a lot of trash by accident, without knowing at the time that they were “bad films”. Stuff like Cobra with Sylvester Stallone or Raw Deal with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Not to mention all the direct-to-VHS bottom of the barrel garbage that I managed to stumble across in the seedier corners of the video store like I was a rich drunk in a whorehouse.
So I was fairly well versed in what bad movies were, and had watched my fair share of mid-level stuff, but I had never sought out the WORST movies. So when COVID came along and I found myself very bored, I started thinking about what would be fun indoor “social distancing” thing to do. An online bad movie night just seemed natural, you know?
The first movie me and my friends ever watched together was 1978’s STARCRASH, a low budget Italian Star Wars ripoff starring Marjoe Gortner and Caroline Munro. It was glorious. For one of the first times in my life I wasn’t expecting anything from a film. I didn’t expect to be surprised by plot twists, or to be wowed by the clever writing, or even to be entertained in any way. Ironically, because I did not have high expectations and was able to allow the movie to just be itself, I actually felt surprised and wowed and entertained. Often more than I would have if I’d been watching a “good” movie. It legitimately felt like I was ten again and discovering the magic of cinema for the first time.
I think the thing that finally won me over is that a large majority of bad movies are made with complete sincerity. This is something I find totally absent in the modern big budget cinematic landscape, where everything has all the depth of a credit card commercial. Most bad movies are made by people who love movies. Whereas something like “The Flash” looks like it was made by people who’ve never watched a movie out of pleasure in their whole damn life. It’s a small, but very important difference. It’s the key to why bad movies are kind of essential viewing if you consider yourself a film buff. Bad movies that are made out of love are just good movies that kind of suck, and what kind of reason is that not to watch them?
Yes, it’s important to be well acquainted with the masters. Kubrick, Hitchcock, Truffaut, Fellini, Kurosawa, Bergman, and a host of others are necessary viewing if you truly want to witness the beauty and the infinite possibilities of cinema. However, Barry J. Gifford, Mark Borchardt, Albert Pyun, H.G. Lewis, Tommy Wiseau, and Joe D’Amato are all equally essential as well. Because they love cinema just as much as any of the greats do, and just because they were often terrible at making movies doesn’t mean that their love isn’t real. So watch trash. Relax. Sit back and enjoy it. It’ll be good for you. I promise.
I legitimately think I’ve learned more about cinema and art from watching bad movies than from watching good ones. With a good movie, you’re watching geniuses at work, and since most of us are not geniuses it’s not that educational. With a bad movie, you’re watching someone make the same kind of mistakes you might have done. So if you take notes and pay attention you’re going to learn how to improve your own work by not repeating those mistakes.
So what I have I learned watching bad movies, you ask? Well, let me tell you:
#1 – Editing is God. Simple as that. It is the very heartbeat of your film. If you edit your movie badly then the heart stops and it dies. Also, this editing doesn’t have to be fancy, just quick and snappy. In fact, I’ll go even further and say that it is better to have a fast paced movie that is not over 90 minutes long than to have a comprehensible movie. If you have to sacrifice massive chunks of plot and story in order to achieve a quick 90 minutes, then do it. Kill your darlings. The worst that can happen is that you’ll have created some sort of rural redneck Kentucky fried surrealistic disasterpiece.
#2 – Your actors don’t have to be good. They just have to remember their lines, speak in a clear and easy to understand voice, and try to emote some sort of emotion as realistically as they can. Stop with the method acting or trying to pressure them to be Meryl Streep. Not gonna happen. I’m not saying don’t aim high. However, I am saying you gotta work with what you got. Also, rehearse the shit out of your movie. I know that’s not always possible, scheduling being what it is, but the more rehearsal you have the better your shoot will go.
#3 – Move your fucking camera. I’ve seen so many movies make this mistake. They set up their shots like it’s a high-school theater play. This is fine for some scenes, but it’s not fine for ALL scenes. Have a little dynamic motion in your film. Watch the original Evil Dead to see what I mean. Modern cameras are extremely light and easy to move. You can build cheap rigs and do some really crazy stuff.
#4 – Your special effects should all be physically real. Avoid computer generated effects as much as possible. With the exception of guns going off, and then only because it’s just so much easier and safer to just CGI muzzle flare in, I think everything should be live. The number one reason for this is that you probably don’t have the budget or skill for whatever you’re imagining in your head anyway, so practical effects force you to shoot things that a) will look good for the camera, and b) you can actually pull off. It forces you to be creative. Don’t get me wrong. Aim for the stars you magnificent madman/madwoman, but bad practical effects always look superior to bad computer generated effects.
#5 – Write your script loosely. Here’s a thing that a lot of first timers get wrong. They’ll write their movie with a very specific and intricate plot and story structure. Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but making a movie is extremely chaotic and everything will eventually go wrong. I’ve yet to hear people tell me that their shoot went smoothly. So save yourself some aggravation, assume that everything will be on fire by day five, and have a Plan B for any particularly “specific” shot. For example, let’s say your main character lives in a farmhouse and that this location was going to be the main “set” but now the farmer isn’t cool with letting your run around their house. Well, have a plan for shooting these scenes somewhere else. Just in case, you know?
#6 – If you work on a movie, in any capacity, always under promise and over perform. Never say you’ll do something you can’t, and always give 110% when you do agree to something. Simple as that. Nobody wants to work with a flake. I got this advice from Steve-O of all people, his dad had told him this and he shared it on a podcast, and it’s some of the best advice I’ve ever heard.
#7 – Pre-production is cheap. Use as much of it as you need. Don’t get me wrong, neither your time nor other people’s time is free, but with pre-production you’re not on a tight schedule and you’re not in a rush. This is the perfect opportunity to work out all the kinks in your movie. Use it. You’ll certainly be glad that you did later when you hit a snag and think “THANK GOD I PLANNED FOR THIS!”
#8 – After your editor, the person writing the soundtrack is your second most important asset. If there’s anyone on your team that you want to have experience. It’s those two.
#9 – Watch a lot of bad movies. You can watch good movies too of course, but especially watch a lot of bad movies. Learn from their mistakes. Also, learn what constitutes a mistake and what isn’t. Sometimes what we think is a huge disaster is “just fine” and insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Just leave it in. Other times, your screw up going to ruin your movie, so yeah… you gotta fix that.
#10 – Sincerity always shines through. People can tell when you’re doing your best. Alright, that’s not entirely true. Most people can’t tell their asshole from their elbow. However, *I* can tell when you’re doing your best, and I’m proud of you when you succeed. Keep at it, don’t worry about the people who hate what you do and trash talk you. I’m on your side.
