Material Girls (2006)

500fullIf I could have a wish for Christmas, it’d be to take Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, anyone from “American Idol,” and the Duff Sisters, strap them into a bus, drive it off a cliff, and then shit on the charred remains. “Material Girls” is proof that you don’t need brains, talent, or appeal to have a considerable hit film. You just need connections, the right marketing, and a great idea of your niche audience. Fans of the Duffs finally have a film to look forward to while they’re doing their nails and staring off into space. The Duffs aren’t the Barrymores, that’s obvious.

Hilary who looks like a creepy clone of her sister, and Haylie who bears a passing resemblance to Jane Kaczmarek (that’s no compliment) couldn’t have chosen a better project. Two privileged spoiled brats without a clue, or ounce of talent, find themselves in a world that welcomes their looks to help them get to a place they don’t really deserve to be. Life tends to imitate art, doesn’t it? Ninety-eight minutes, folks. Ninety-eight minutes is what the Duffs felt they warranted. In this time, they subject us to horrible cover songs sung by them, horrible dialogue where like they like totally talk like this, and like they like expect us to like like them and junk! I mean seriously, who goes to parties wearing crowns, and large jewelry besides bitchy rich kids?

How can we sympathize for two of the most obnoxious and despicable characters ever written who have nothing more to them than their best memory about their dead dad involving make-up? Do studios actually think teens are this stupid? Well, yes on that last one. Teens are this stupid, but that doesn’t mean I want to be subjected to it on-screen. Sadly enough the Duffs are such terrible actresses I didn’t even buy them as sisters. They clomp around tennising bubble-headed one-liners back and forth incessantly, and they never take the fact that they seem to be close, and transfer it on the big screen. With the “huh?” supporting role from Angelica Houston, to Hilary Duff showing her semi-cleavage to get into an office in an oddly creepy scene, “Material Girls” is a merciless eye gauging on its audience.

And the thumbs are in there pinching our brains until it ends. Coolidge’s film attempts desperately to be “Clueless” but that’s a misguided aspiration considering “Clueless” is rather bad. The two sisters are like a pair of Alicia Silverstone fan girls, with the same basic appeal. Little looks, little talent, and surprising appeal. Perhaps the spin team for the Duffs assumed watching a movie that didn’t stray too far from the real life of these individuals would be entertaining fodder for their fan base, but they’re grossly mistaken. All these characters ever think about is themselves, even when they barge in on their maid and live with her. They never think about the fact that she’s an immigrant, is disconnected with her daughters, and is out of a job, no, they just basically want their money back.

Have to love when characters redeem themselves… never mind. The film continues on and on with the two living the life of the poor, being jerked around incessantly, and whining about it, while somehow we’re given a hint of an actual plot. Fact is, the characters are utterly irritating, and they’re played by two untalented drones who aren’t too far apart in reality and fiction. If you paid money for this, have mercy on you. Sometimes I hate my job. I really hate it. It’s not the best job in the world, and “Material Girls” is proof of that fact, and they wonder how serial killers are born. The world loves a blonde white chick, no matter what they do. Damn those privileged Duffs. Enjoy it while you can you walking migraines.