10. The Lake House
Yet another cheesy marketing ploy. Watch the cardboard cut out and America’s Sweetheart who hasn’t had a hit in years team again to star in one of the stupidest most absurd romance dramas ever made. A man communicates with a woman through a mailbox that can travel two years into the future. Why such a weird number? Who knows. Regardless, the time differences are barely noticable, the entire film is soapy, and the mailbox becomes an irrelevant plot device in the second half as suddenly, these two get the power to change time to fit their romance. Goody. Correction: Crappy.
9. Material Girls
Like, oh my god, like the two like Duff sisters, like totally figured like people would like flock to like see them, and like play fictional sisters, in like, a film about losing their fortunes, and learning to like live like the poor and junk! And like, in the movie, these two asses, like totally ham it up, and give like crappy performances, and junk, and they like show that Duff looks creepy, and Haylie is not too good looking. Like this movie was like so bad. Totally.
8. See No Evil
This is one of the many horror films in the list of “The Roost,” “Cabin Fever,” and “Tamara” that horror fans went ape shit over, and I’m still scratching my head as to why. This movie was terrible. Beyond terrible. It was terrible, horrible, with a hint of feces. Wrestler Kane in a really bad performance as this cookie cutter maniac in a rundown hotel, who we find out is a pure Norman Bates wannabe. Meanwhile really bad actors start getting offed left and right, and there’s an imminent sequel. Goody.
7. The Covenant
Now, I was expecting this to be a bad movie, but I didn’t expect it to be so bad I’d be considering hunting down Renny Harlin. This movie is dreck, it’s junk, it’s garbage, it’s crap mixed with garbage, it’s post “Laguna Beach” horror, it’s “The Lost Boys” meets “The Craft” and never in the same level. It’s homoerotic supernatural action in the vein of David DeCoteau. It should be drawn away into the darkness to premier on The N years from now. God damn you, Hollywood.
6. The Wicker Man
Neil Labute, you deserve better.
5. Little Man
Keenan, Shawn, Marlon, Damon, I’m sorry. I don’t know what for, but I’m sorry. Now, stop. Please. “Little Man” is a lot like that inside joke that you and your best friend know that is really funny, but when someone else hears it they’re completely lost—and you can explain it all you want, but they’re just not going to get it. I gather that’s what the pitch session was for Keenan and his brothers. They laughed, they chuckled, and they defended it fiercely (did you see Shawn on “The Daily Show”?) but the rest of America just doesn’t get the damn joke. And for those who do, I want what you’re smoking. “It’s funny to see a small dude with a big head, right?” Cue audience mocking laughter in “The Daily Show,” and there’s your basic defense from Shawn Wayans to this piece of horse shit dog vomit covered in coconut. The Wayans Brothers once again shitting on film with this piece of garbage about a dwarf pretending to be a baby to steal a diamond. It’s horrible. I’ll move on.
4. Ultraviolet
“You got blood on me… it is on!” That’s an actual line. An actual line in one of many films of 2006 that was so bad it literally enraged me. This movie is a pure test of patience and sanity, and should be deemed illegal due to its pure bile existence. Milla Jovovich playing the kung fu bad ass AGAIN, Cameron Bright stars as the dreamy creepy kid AGAIN, and Kurt Wimmer kills all hope he presented with “Equilibrium.” This film is a mess!!
3. When a Stranger Calls
Hey, want to sit down with me and watch eighty minutes of shit falling all around an idiotic teen?! Want to laugh as the director uses ice falling in a fridge as a way to amp up the suspense?! Want to see a movie that makes every little sound resemble a marching band for the sake of jump scares?! Want to see Camilla Bell ruining her career as a teen being taunted by a psycho and oddly not cursing a storm? Want to see a moronic teen running around, and walking around a house for over an hour?! Want to see one of the stupidest climaxes in any horror film? Well, this is the cure for what ails you.
2. Date Movie
No one, in the entire production of this film, has any idea what comedy is. No one in this entire production has any iota of what comedy should be. I don’t think anyone in the production crew even knows how to spell comedy. It’s THAT bad. VERY few movies compel me to shut it off only two minutes in, but after watching a girl in a fat suit dance to “Milkshake,” I couldn’t stand it any longer.
1. The Omen 666/Black Xmas
This movie is bad beyond words for the simple fact that the reason for its existence is because of the 6/6/06 date. It’s a remake for the sole purpose of marketing on the date. And if that’s not bad enough, the entire film is a shot for shot remake that does nothing original, or different and vainly attempts to add a political relevance that becomes more laughable than earnest. Damien is boring and not scary, Schreiber looks like he’s robbing the cradle, and Stiles is dull as bread as this doting mother.
Not even a fun self-referential appearance by Mia Farrow as the anti-christs protector could save this waste of time, talent, money, and film. Disgusting. Meanwhile, one of the worst movies of 2006 happens to be a remake, and a goddamned awful one that bears no resemblance to its ingenious predecessor. Horrible acting, horrible direction, goofy gore, no suspense, an over the top climax, and perhaps one of the most horrid scripts ever made, this is a truly awful movie. I’m shocked anyone managed to enjoy this movie. Shocked.
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Step Up, Tamara, Halloween Night, 666: The Child, Rest Stop, Zoom, Wassup Rockers, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, The Quiet, Hostel