10. Space Chimps
You know, movie geeks make a lot of noise about films in theaters that are great and barely ever receive the attention crap like “Meet Dave” does, but every so often when a new movie scarcely gathers any kind of promotion at all, there’s a reason for it. A damn good reason. And “Space Chimps” is that prime example that some studios may hold films back because they’re just terrible and barely watchable. Cheap animation and a virtually non-existent plot pretty much destroy any semblance of potential this one-note premise has from the starting gates, as “Space Chimps” only clocks in at a lean eighty minutes and feels endless with its horrible voice acting, lame gags, and a twist in the second half that is not only surprising but clumsy in its delivery as if the writers just didn’t know where to go creatively after the chimps were actually in space. I always enter in to an animated film with a healthy sense of optimism (I even gave “Doogal” a chance!) but in a summer that brought us “Wall-E,” talking chimps and NASA propaganda simply doesn’t cut it for me.
9. Death Race
The world is in shambles. The country is on the brink of depression. Millions are out of work. Violence is now considered entertainment. Convicts are now reduced to television stars for our own sick amusement and we’re on the brink of revolting against a corrupt disgusting government run by a madman. But enough about modern times, let’s focus on “Death Race,” a remake that barely plays in the same ball field as Roger Corman’s original masterpiece that was a prelude not only to reality shows, but to the craze that would be “Grand Theft Auto.” Gone is the points system that involve running people over, the symbolism of the entertainment industry fueled by the government, the sharp jabs at violence in the media and the ahead-of-its-time take on reality television. Instead Anderson just adapts the Playstation game “Twisted Metal” sans the supernatural themes while simultaneously ripping off “The Longest Yard” and “Death Warrant.” He takes what could have been a wonderful futuristic thriller and turns it in to a simple racing flick casting the likes of Jason Statham to brood and screech while barely focusing on the source material in the first place. Like most remakes this year, it’s barely similar to its predecessor. And for that, it fails.
8. Street Kings
I loved this movie. When it was called “LA Confidential.” Written by James Ellroy, this 2008 lemon is barely watchable and about as formula as it can possibly get. When it’s not being a formulaic corruption cop thriller about the big city and gangs, James Ellroy basically re-makes his brilliant crime movie and instead of using folks like Russeell Crowe, and Kevin Spacey, he doles out ho hum actors like Keanu Reeves, and Chris Evans, both of whom aren’t going to win Oscars any time soon. Placing it in modern times, Ellroy is basically on auto-pilot providing a beat by beat redux of his original noir film with much more grit and atrocious performances all of which are headlined by Reeves who barely makes a convincing human let alone a convincing corrupt cop. I had a tough time sitting through this one and it’s a shame considering I’ve admired Ellroy’s work in the past.
7. 10,000 BC
Supposedly, director Roland Emmerich didn’t cast big stars for this prehistoric camp fest with a deadpan glare because he didn’t want to distract audiences, but I think his approach was misguided, in the end. Casting big names would have only made this much more of an entertaining disaster piece and had he opted instead for camp and not take this so seriously as if it were Oscar gold, we’d have instant cult trash acting as worthy successor to “One Million Years B.C.” Even with those changes, the prior would have been so much better a film, regardless. Through most of the this film I sat in my seat with a gaping mouth and a look of bewilderment and realized that I simply wasn’t the audience Emmerich probably envisioned when creating this, because when we left the theater I just wanted to go home, but all my nephew did for three hours was talk about the “awesome” wooly mammoths, and really nothing else. If you want something truly entertaining about prehistory and what living in the wilderness of the era was like, watch “Cro.” Yes. “Cro.” Hey, it’s just as scholarly as this is.
6. Meet Dave
Eddie Murphy seems to just choose roles these days that would either appeal to his children, or prove to be convenient. That’s where “Meet Dave” comes in, a film that applies to both instances. It’s an easy paycheck allowing him to perhaps pay for their private school without any worry toward the dignity of his craft or comedy, with most of the film based around Murphy standing in one room and miming actions and making the kids in the audience laugh for reasons they won’t be quite sure of even after they go home. While he may be under the delusion that children will love what he has to offer in the way of an alien robot who learns to love, which is, as the marketing campaign has so nauseatingly stressed, “Eddie Murphy in Eddie Murphy,” they may not be as enamored as he thinks. Flat, unfunny, and excruciatingly predictable, this is just another in a line of Eddie Murphy films that let the audience know he’s not doing it for the artistic merit anymore. Try as he might, this isn’t going to be considered the next “Being John Malkovich” any time soon.
5. The Eye (2008)
For this remake of the mediocre supernatural thriller to have been amazing, the director would have had to cast someone who is a stellar actress, someone who is young who could have pulled off the turmoil this woman goes through. Imagine being blind your entire life, and when you finally have sight you begin to see things that are ungodly, inhuman, and horrifying.
Your head would explode, you’d damn your eyes. “The Eye” could have been a visceral gut churning experience with a fine American actress really turning an okay Asian supernatural drama in to something of depth and richness, something of sheer stellar genre heights. Instead we get Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba tries to emote. Jessica Alba tries to convince us she can act. Jessica Alba tries to look horrified. It’s a shame that a movie filled with such potential to be a masterpiece just instead opted for a woman who can barely pull off a convincing line of dialogue. Therefore, “The Eye” ends up being a bland messy remake.
4. The Hottie and the Nottie
This despicable, disgusting, loathsome waste of time and space would have been so much higher on this list, but it doesn’t even try to deliver a remotely entertaining or meaningful time filler, so it doesn’t deserve to be placed as the worst of the year. Not by a long stretch. Why offer them your bile when they’re clearly not even trying, right? This Paris Hilton vehicle is so low on the totem pole creatively that you can’t even muster enough energy to comprehend its sheer level of horrible writing, terrible acting, and void of creativity. It’s a black hole of a film that’s so incredulous you can’t believe it even exists, even when you’re watching it. And god help you if you’re watching it. The film lies from the first second by trying to convince you Paris Hilton is a hottie, and then just runs away with your expectations with gross out humor, a Z grade story, and the pretense that deep down it’s a message about inner-beauty. Like Hilton, this is a fugly mess, and one you should spare yourself the effort of watching. Trust us.
3. Babylon A.D.
Pretty much a “Chronicles of Riddick” sequel sans Riddick, “Babylon A.D.” is a muddled and messy piece of science fiction schlock that really doesn’t do favors for Diesel, and especially will not help out co-star Michelle Yeoh who is reduced to playing the mystifying Asian woman yet again. Michelle Yeoh has been given the shaft this Summer first in a throwaway part in “Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” and now as Sister Rebekah, the guardian to Aurora, whose role is almost entirely silent in its passiveness. “Babylon A.D.” wants to be three different films at one time but sadly never asks much from Diesel other than to grunt, stomp around, and reprise the role that made him a star. If Diesel wants to get to the next level of his career, this genre confused mess of a picture isn’t going to bring him there.
2. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
It’s bad enough that “The Mummy” series that purported to be remakes of the Universal classics always felt like second rate throwbacks to better adventure films with less impressive budgets no less, but it’s a damn shame when the dreaded third leg in the franchise feels like a pale imitation of an already pale imitator that wasn’t too good going down the first time. Was anyone really begging for one more installment of “The Mummy” with the same one-note action characters who have progressed so little since their introductions? “Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” is that Summer film of 2008 saved for the end of the dreaded season where all the surprises and potential competition has been eliminated, leaving movie-goers with no other options but to re-watch “The Dark Knight” or take a chance on “Stealth” director Rob Cohen’s overwrought, bland mess of a fantasy adventure film. Cohen wastes the talent of Maria Bello, completely mishandles an Abominable Snowman attack sequence, and–in the worst crime to date–wastes the talents of Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh horribly. The latter actors can do and have done so much better than this heap of junk.
1. TIE: Prom Night/One Missed Call
Boo! A lamp! Aah! And that’s about all of the scares you’ll get in the 2008 faux slasher and thriller entitled “Prom Night.” Sure, it purports to be a remake of the Jamie Lee Curtis slasher revenge film, but it’s not even remotely similar. A young girl is still haunted by the brutal off-screen bloodless death of her family, and in the midst of her prom in the local creepy but lush hotel, finds she is being stalked by her once obsessed teacher who now looks like Yusuf Islam who is on to her and doing nothing but watching her in a hotel and wreaking havoc in a place that has probably the worst security in history.
After many fake scares, we learn the teacher is a ninja who can slide in and out of two story windows with ease, and it’s all an exercise in misery. In the same vein there’s “One Missed Call” an awful supernatural thriller that wastes a B grade cast, lacks in any scares, and features some of the dumbest moments in horror history including the exorcism of a phone, deaths that rip off “Final Destination,” and a thankless prologue featuring Meagan Good who is killed. Along with her cat for some reason. Truly a horrid pair of films that will fail to entertain with even a grain of competence.