I swear the first person who asks me “Why did you even watch it?” gets a smack across the face “Melrose Place” style. I don’t know why I am prone to giving movies that assure me will be awful a chance. I’m just a sucker like that. Maybe it’s the hot girls, or maybe it’s the short running time, but I sat there and watched it and laughed at the appearances by the hip hop stars like Justin Beiber and Soulja Boy, people who supply cameos and are bound to be forgotten within the next two years. Attempting to be “Bring It On,” “Mean Girls,” and “Grease,” this Nick Cannon endorsed pop musical teen drama (that’s an exhausting description) watches like a parody that’s meant to do nothing more than market on the gullibility of its tween audience who want to see three annoying girls who we’re told are outcasts (since when are attractive fit girls outcasts?) overcome the odds by–dancing and singing!
You know there was a time where music videos were the main event. “We are the World” was a television phenom, Michael Jackson’s videos were the big center piece before any actual programming, and you couldn’t change a channel without landing on a show premiering them and now with the music video dying out, people have to look for new ways to promote potential music artists. “School Gyrls” is a massive con because it’s really just an hour long music video and premiere event for the School Gyrls who are, coincidentally, an actual girl band. So it’s a film directed by Nick Cannon, about a singing girl group who overcome the odds, who just happen to sing songs on their latest album which has been signed by Nick Cannon’s record label. How convenient! One thing I hate about modern films about school misery is the unrealistic way the filmmakers try to portray solving bully problems. I mean have you ever solved your problems by dancing or stomping the yard or with your fists?
Ever seen “My Bodyguard”? That’s realism for you. But then this forty eight minute monstrosity is not about realism. It’s about churning out as many singles from the band’s record as it can, so the story takes a backseat to everything. What there is of story is minimal. There are three girls. One is an Asian fashionista, another is a sassy Latina, and the leader is a blonde white girl who basically does nothing but lead the songs and dance numbers. The acting is piss poor. No one in this movie has any idea where to look at the camera when they’re reading their lines, the screenplay (written by two people!) is awful with its main characters and villainess using slang from the mid-nineties all of which revolves around a step competition that is basically a popularity contest.
In either case, I found myself suffering through most of it and I couldn’t believe someone actually sat down to write forty eight pages of this nonsense that was made in to a basic hour long music video with guest stars by soon to be has been pop stars. If there is any justice in the world, this garbage will be forgotten. There has to be some punishment for being forced to endure this junk. If this is supposed to launch the careers of the School Gyrls then they really have their work cut out for them. They’re as awful as the movie with cookie cutter personalities, cookie cutter pop music, and a gimmick that is as old as the Monkees. And Nick Cannon is hardly a person I’d want to hitch my wagon on to claim some form of success. Don’t watch it, ignore it, pretend it doesn’t exist and maybe it will go away.