It’s been exactly twenty five years since “Seinfeld” ended and left television as one of the most popular and influential series of all time. To this day its influence continues to be felt, and I’m still a huge fan. It’s my number three TV series of all time (Behind “The Simpsons” and “The Honeymooners”) and continues to be one of my favorite comfort food TV shows to binge. One of the best aspects of “Seinfeld” was that it consistently made up fake movies that would act as plot devices or plot catalysts for the episodes.
While they had stuff like “The English Patient” and “Home Alone 2,” they also had their own in-universe movies, ranging from comedies, dramas, and action films. They became prominent gags throughout the series, and as a fan I thought I’d list five of the fictional in-universe movies that I definitely would have seen, and likely loved.
Honorable Mentions: Rochelle, Rochelle, Mountain High, Ponce De Leon, Prognosis: Negative, Pain and Yearning
Chunnel
Episode: The Pool Guy
This one sounds like a “Die Hard” kind of action movie, explained as “the President’s daughter being trapped in the ‘Chunnel’ between England and France” with the tagline being “Chunnel: 32 Miles of Hell.” I imagine there’s also some espionage, and deceit, as it baffles Elaine and Jerry about who are the good guys or bad guys and who is back stabbing whom. It sounds like a wild ride.
Cry, Cry Again
Episode: The Little Kicks
The pompous, arthouse loving, movie buff in me would very much have found a way to see “Cry, Cry Again.” Judging from the scenes in the episode, it’s a French, arthouse film that uses comedy to help deliver a tale about a man that’s either fighting for his soul or attempting to re-claim soul. It’s also heavy in symbolism where Kramer laughs at the main character buying bread, to which Jerry explains that he’s “trying to buy back a loaf of his soul.” I probably would have avoided buying the bootleg VHS what with the dancing fool in the climax.
Death Blow
Episode: The Little Kicks
“Death Blow” sounds like a star studded action packed martial arts bonanza. I not only would have seen it, but I likely would have been outside buying the bootleg VHS to take home and see with my friends, again. The main character is named “Death Blow,” and there’s an evil Hawaiian Man who deserved to have the Death Blow. There are other people that are also fighting “Death Blow.” Plus you can’t beat the tagline: “Death Blow: When someone tries to blow you up, not because of who you are, but because of different reasons altogether!”
Firestorm
Episode/s: The Engagement, The Rye
Initially I thought the “Firestorm” the characters were referring to was the firefighter action movie starring football player Howie Long. But apparently this “Firestorm” is a vaguely described in-universe action movie blockbuster that I very much would have been sitting at on opening weekend. There’s vague discussion of an “underwater escape,” a helicopter landing on a car, and Jerry boasts “What about when Harrison Ford jumped out of the plane and was shooting back up at them while he was falling?!” Harrison Ford always guarantees my attendance to any movie.
Sack Lunch
Episode: The English Patient
Sue me, but I’d have seen “Sack Lunch.” All that we really know about “Sack Lunch” is that it stars Dabney Coleman and it’s perceived to be something of a light situational comedy about a large family, or a dysfunctional family of some kind. Either that or they’re shrunken and put in to a sack. Elaine doesn’t understand metaphor. In either case, “Sack Lunch” seems like a crowd pleasing comedy (I imagine it is probably directed by Penny Marshall), in spite of its horrible poster.