When COVID shut down everything two years ago, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night, so you guys can share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
Last week I mentioned the worst (but still enjoyable) movie I’d seen on Bad Movie Monday. The inescapable THINGS. This week I’ll mention my favorite. NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR.
Before I even start the review, I’m going to admit something embarrassing about myself. I never watched this movie when it originally came out in the late eighties, despite the fact that it was fairly easy to find, because for some dumbass reason my deranged brain thought that this and TERROR TRAIN were the same film. They are very much not the same by the way, in case you also weren’t sure. Terror Train is slasher movie made in 1980 with Jaime Lee Curtis and David Copperfield. Night Train to Terror is an anthology of three stories made in 1985 with Cameron Mitchell and Richard Moll. In fact, they really don’t have anything in common except for the words Train and Terror in their titles. Apparently this was enough to fool me for nearly thirty-five years.
Onto the review we go!
The film opens on a train, a night train I suppose, as a band is playing the most stupidly catchy song I’ve ever heard. They’re just playing for no reason, in front of no audience, complete with choreographed dance numbers. I’m pretty sure they’re high. Anyway… We then cut to God and the Satan, yes this escalates quickly, as they sit in a private compartment on the same train. The two mention how the band is scheduled to die soon and must go to either Heaven or Hell. They then argue about the merits of salvation and damnation by watching Night Train’s three stories.
So far, this is fairly standard stuff. Actually, I’d even say it’s better than average. The musical number was dumb but fun, and Ferdy Mayne as God and Tony Giorgio as Satan are pretty good actors and they have some half-decent dialogue. No one’s gonna win any awards, but it’s not cringe-worthy or anything.
However, the reason why Night Train is and shall always be in a class by itself is that all three stories in this anthology were originally full length films that had around seventy-five minutes of their runtime removed in order to create “segments”. If you think that sounds insane, keep reading.
SEGMENT ONE: The Case of Harry Billings
This was originally an unfinished movie called “Scream Your Head Off” that was later sort of finished almost a decade later under the title “Marilyn: Alive and Behind Bars”. It’s the story of a man named Harry Billings who crashes his car on his wedding night and kills his new bride. He is then sent to an insane asylum where the Doctors brainwash him into kidnapping women so they can be murdered and sold for body parts.
The above description doesn’t do it justice if I’m being honest. This is an utterly baffling weird mess with editing that is so ADHD that some scenes become comedic, even though they’re not meant as comedy. It’s like the story gets bored of itself and just goes “Enough of that shit, here’s some different shit!” It’s both bizarre and fascinating. This segment, like all the following segments, kind of defies being resumed in a synopsis. It’s really not a story so much as “a bunch of stuff randomly happening for reasons you’re not always sure of.” and that’s kind of what I like about this movie. It keeps you on your toes if nothing else.
SEGMENT TWO: The Case of Gretta Connors
This was originally an obscure movie called “Gretta” or “Death Wish Club” or “The Dark Side of Love” or “The Carnival of Fools” and is the story of a hapless college boy who becomes infatuated with a porn star called Gretta after seeing her in a stag film. The two begin a torrid affair that includes joining a club of thrill seekers who risk their lives in twisted and deadly games.
Meredith Haze, who played Gretta Connors, is so awesome in this that I’m sort of sad she never acted in another movie. She throws herself into the role with such fearless demented glee that you kind of don’t care that she’s not a super great actress. Of all three stories, this one is the most “complete” It has a few issues, mostly continuity, but it’s a fairly linear affair for the most part. The ending comes out of nowhere, but that’s the least insane thing that happens in Night Train.
SEGMENT THREE: The Case of Claire Hansen
This was originally a movie called “Cataclysm” or “The Nightmare Never Ends” or “Satan’s Supper” and is the story of a devout Christian and Doctor called Claire Hansen whose atheist Nobel Prize winning husband writes a book called “God is Dead”. Toss in Nazis, Demons, and Cameron Mitchell and you have the makings of something pretty… uh… weird.
I’ve managed to track down and watch all the full length movie versions of these segments. So I can say with some authority that this last one is the most modified from its original version. The first segment has added nudity and gore, and the second segment has a few extra special effects scenes, but this segment has a LOT of stop motion that was never in the original. I won’t say it’s a vast improvement, but it’s certainly appreciated.
Personally, the radically shorter running times didn’t bother me at all. One of my biggest complaints about bad movies is that they never seem to end quickly enough. This is the main reason I’ve never brought the two and a half hour long THE SWARM to Bad Movie Monday, even though I feel its genius and Michael Caine is a joy to watch. It’s just too damn long. You can physically feel the weight of a bad movie after sixty minutes, and around the ninety minute mark you’re just begging for it to end, by the one hundred and twenty minute mark your brain starts to melt from the badness. A long movie that’s good can be tiresome, imagine a bad one.
So, in my opinion, NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR is the greatest bad movie of all time since you get three (four if you count the wraparound) for the price of one. You can’t find a better bargain anywhere.
Okay! Now that the review is done we arrive at my favorite part. This is where I make a list of ten things I promise will happen during the movie in order to get you in the mood of watching it. And so, without further ado…
PROMISES!
#1 – You’ll be singing “Everybody’s got something to do. Everybody but youuuuuu!!!” for days after watching this movie. In fact, you may never stop singing it.
#2 – You’ll be thanking Ferdy Mayne and Tony Giorgio for doing the best they could with what they got. The mark of a genius actor isn’t that they’re good in a good movie it’s that they’re good in a BAD movie, and both Mayne and Giorgio are quite good here. Thank you Gentlemen.
#3 – You’ll say “Wait… WHAT???” about twenty times before this movie hits the twenty minute mark.
#4 – Meredith Haze is not shy about gratuititties, and bless her heart for that. She’s this movie’s MVP,
#5 – I’m very sorry, but there will be terrible violence towards innocent bags of popcorn.
#6 – “Excuse me while I smoke!” will be your new catchphrase for a long time to come.
#7 – No movie can have enough Richard Moll, so he appears twice. Once as a bad guy in the first story and again as a completely different character in the third story.
#8 – Cameron Mitchell is comprised of 80% talent and 20% alcohol, or is it the other way around? Either way, he’s always welcome in a film.
#9 – The last segment is both the longest and the most stop-motion animation heavy, and it is glorious to behold.
#10 – By the time the credits roll you’re going to have a lot of questions about what the hell you just watched and I don’t have a lot of answers.
Both NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR and GRETTA are available on TUBI, and I very much suggest you check them out.