I think deep down Sawa Suicide just assumed that horror fans alike would universally embrace “Suicide Girls Must Die” for the simple fact that it’s a horror movie with a lot of hot girls from the actual website. Granted, I am a huge fan of the Suicide Girls (seriously, these women are insanely beautiful) but just because something is even slightly popular, it doesn’t mean it warrants a movie. And you can hide all of the flaws and cheese behind the fact that it’s a horror film, but even so. The fact that anyone assumed this would be even the least bit entertaining is beyond me and displays a bit of hubris in the notion that the Suicide Girls attachment would mean rave reviews.
“Suicide Girls Must Die” is an amalgamation of many different mediums, all of which are just so hackneyed and lazily slapped together. It’s a reality show, a documentary, a photo shoot, and a horror film all in one big messy pile, all the while director Sawa Suicide borrows from the whole handheld cam fad by filming all of the footage with a handheld camcorder. If that’s not enough mid-way once the girls begin disappearing mysteriously, the girls all begin filming their own footage. And better yet, it’s being hosted in their website! “Suicide Girls Must Die” is a miserable experience, one without a clear focus on what it’s trying to do or who it’s trying to entertain. There isn’t a single likable protagonist in the bunch, and the entire gimmick about a killer and or paranormal entity knocking off these women one by one is just so tired and pat.
There’s very little energy or atmosphere added, and director Suicide has very little ability to wrench up the tension and suspense as the body count rises. The Suicide Girls has been a brand name for some incredible models who go against the grain of mundane beauty. But beyond their novelty website, everything else is just terrible. “Suicide Girls Must Die” includes the formula that director Sawa Suicide repeats throughout the course of ninety minutes. There’s a montage of photo shoots, obligatory conflict occurs between two or more models, there is some hint as to danger looming, someone disappears, and the girls run around screaming for their friends. Someone cries, someone talks to the camera whimpering about how horrified they are, lather, rinse, roll closing credits.
Hot Goth women donning tattoos and stone cold glowers does not intimate a potentially excellent horror film of any kind, and if you’re going to try to bring in the cash flow with a horror vehicle, at least get someone who knows what to do with these gorgeous women who can set them down in to a proper horror motif and provide fans with an amazing genre experience. This isn’t it. This is one of the few times I’ve felt compelled to look away from the Suicide Girls as “Suicide Girls Must Die!” is a miserable shrill genre experience with no scares, no tension, no suspense, no moments of sheer terror, and a lot of gorgeous women trying to act their asses off and failing painfully. Stick to what you know: Modeling and looking gorgeous. The world has enough aspiring actors.