If anything, “Ring of Darkness” finally confirms my seven year long suspicions, that boy bands are really satanic flesh-eating zombies. I’ve known it since N’Sync burst on to the scene, I mean how else can you explain the popularity- however fleeting–of Justin Timberlake? I figured they were either demons or gay. The film begins with an Abercrombie and Fitch looking young man attempting to escape under the cover of the late evening. He escapes through a window–but not before putting on his platinum medallion–and is cornered by four shadowy figures and killed. “Ring of Darkness”–whatever the hell that title means–is a possible sign that the “reality” craze has actually seeped on to movies.
I mean the “American Idol” with a horror twist isn’t a good concept, in fact it’s trite, especially in this day and age. “Ring of Darkness” also strives to be a new age “Lost Boys” with the four heart throbs who seek to initiate an outcast for their own interests instead of his own, while he fears something is amidst–and Jeremy Jackson runs in slow motion. So the boy band, after eating their lead singer, looks for a new one. For lunch, or for their music? Who knows? And when the member they seek doesn’t adjust to their rules, they eat him. What about his family? Why doesn’t anyone ask questions? Why is there no press to cover these auditions if this is a big time boy band? I don’t know–Jeremy Jackson is running in slow motion. For this you’ll have to defy all logic and common sense, and possibly close your eyes at the gaping plot holes.
Regardless, our main character who is a rocker at heart, only signs up to be in the band upon pressure of his girlfriend, and he is hesitant and defiant at auditioning. In the audition he’s picked as a possibility, but the scene is so atrocious it was hard to pay attention; I didn’t know what was more laughable, the bad music, or the bad extras pretending to enjoy the music. So upon arrival, he begins noticing something is up and is being wracked with nightmares, and constantly awakes in bed without his girlfriend beside him. Where she is half the time is never explained. Maybe she’s investigating, living the night life, or having an affair with Barbeau’s character–which is alluded towards throughout the film. But why must they make that a plot device? Either way, the plot hole stands, and the movie staggers at a snail pace for only ninety minutes.
There are the try outs, the evil mustache twirling of our villains including leader Jeremy Jackson (From Baywatch) who eyes the guys with the worst of intentions. For the record, the whole film is a homosexual innuendo. The boy band watches the contestants dance with pouty lips like they’re eyeing meat in a butcher shop, and during their “ceremony” to initiate a member, they strip him, tie him to a table, get naked themselves, stand over him, cut his stomach and devour the blood orgasmically. As subtle as a kick in the head; one character is even named B.J.; I’m just saying, guys. Not to mention for four guys whom seem to have been doing this for decades, they’re very sloppy. They chase someone around who discovers their secret, and when they corner someone about to kill them, the person just stands and watches.
I’d be running like a bitch, or at least flailing my arms in a windmill motion throwing air punches like an eight year old who just got his bike stolen, but then again I have common sense. At one instance, they off (no pun intended) an investigative undercover reporter who deserves to die for being so sloppy–Uh, Jeremy Jackson is running in slow motion, again. Yes, if you’re a reporter snooping on a boy band with mysterious goings-on, you want to call someone and talk very loud in a cave that echoes for miles. Riiiiiight. When you get to hell, tell them you were sent there by a boy band who you didn’t even fight off, you bastard.
As you can guess the acting, or lack thereof, is brutal. The character Shaun is wooden at best, and screams a lot, and the rest of the cast really don’t do much including Barbeau who mostly stands around smiling devilishly at the going ons–Jeremy Jackson is running slow again. This film does have fortuitously hilarious moments; the eating of the sexy groupee who is a horrible actress (oh-my-god…what-is-going–on?!), and his discovering they were a sixties band? Even funnier. Wait until you see the picture he finds of them. Reminded me of “This is Spinal Tap”. And, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Ryan Starr from “American Idol”, who gives one of the worst performances I’ve seen in a while.
I wasn’t even aware she was from “American Idol” until I checked IMDB. I was hoping they’d feature Jeremy Jackson running in slow motion, I mean if you’re going to make a bad movie, at least poke fun at its stars. And let’s not forget the horrible plot inconsistencies: That drug I gave you two days ago is now taking effect on you, oh you found my crossbow in my room which conveniently appeared out of nowhere and seems to be locked and loaded, oh you–Jackson is running in slow motion again. Get the tazer. Adrienne Barbeau needs work, she’s still quite fetching, bad music, worse acting, an incoherent storyline filled with plot holes, lapses in logic, and homosexual innuendos, and Starr shows that “American Idol” did nothing for her–Jeremy Jackson is still fidgeting, taze him again.