There are no weapons, there’s no fighting, no Shredder, no April, no Casey, and no foot clan. And those aren’t the worst crimes this monstrosity commits. This is the definition of a quick cash grab. I am quick to believe someone raided a storage closet from a party entertainers’ warehouse, and decided to release their own Christmas themed Ninja Turtles video. Even at eleven years old, I would have shut it off after the first few minutes. “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” doesn’t even last longer than twenty five minutes in length, and still feels long as hell.
The plot to this anomaly is that the turtles are trying to find a present for Master Splinter. So they prepare for Christmas, and go looking for a perfect present. Cue the mind numbingly terrible cash grab that is “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas.” Here are five of the more head scratching aspects of the twenty minute “special.
5. No One knows about the Turtles Secret Lair—except a bunch of kids
It’s a top secret area of the sewer where the turtles and Splinter lives. They train there, they commute there, they hide out from the Foot Clan there. It’s like the Bat Cave, and yet when they’re putting up the trees, and singing carols, there are bunch of kids celebrating with them. And feigning interest in these characters’ flimsy costumes; so much for secret lairs.
4. Anthropomorphic talking and dancing turtles doesn’t phase people in New York
The turtles rock and roll around New York during the night to find the perfect present for Master Splinter. Apparently in 1994 you could still shop in the middle of the night, and you would be a talking and walking human sized turtle without drawing attention to yourself. Hell, the turtles sing in front of a tree in Times Square, and have a dance number in some kind of tunnel. It’s too bad we didn’t have a tap dancing Casey Jones.
3. Splinter has to fire his fur trimmer
The actor wearing the Splinter outfit is obviously wearing a helmet that looks somewhat like splinter. It’s detached from the rest of the costume and wobbles whenever he moves his head to mimic speech, and it’s painful to endure. If you think the turtles with their flapping mouths are horrifying, wait until you see Splinter who sounds more like Jimmy Durante than an elderly Asian man.
2. The Turtles apparently plan dance numbers off duty
Hey, we saw in the 1990 movie that the turtles can definitely dance; they also busted a move in “Secret of the Ooze,” so why is it so terrible to see them dance in sync once again? Probably it’s because the suits are awful. Maybe it’s because the music is terrible. Or perhaps you figure Ninjas would be training rather than learning how to do the robot.
1. Mikey can sing Opera…?
It’s 1994! The fandom for the Ninja Turtles is dwindling and Mirage has all but saturated their franchise, so how do you help revive the characters? Show one of the most popular in the team singing opera! Of course, it’s so genius. Even in the ironic sense, watching Michaelangelo sing an operetta in front of a Christmas tree in a seemingly deserted Times Square works against what this special tries to achieve. It’s a hideous and nearly unwatchable moment in a truly bizarre special that features Splinter singing, the turtles dancing like rockettes, and turtles suits that make the characters look like their penises are hanging off their shells.