2014 was a great year for movies, but it was also a year that trotted out some really embarrassing films, many of which were of the comedy or horror variety. We consciously avoided crap like “Transformers: Extinction,” while considering candidates like “Annabelle” and “A Million Ways to Die in the West.” In the end, these made our definitive top ten of the worst 2014 had to offer.
10. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones
Directed by Christopher B. Landon
Paramount Pictures
Release Date: January 3rd
As a fan of the series it pains me to include this entry in to the top ten. There is so much they could have done with a sequel centered on the latin culture. The latin culture are almost as firm in their beliefs in the supernatural and superstitious as the Asian culture, and the writers could very well have taken off from that. Instead “The Marked Ones” is a lazy, boring, and often stupid movie with no scares. It also tries too damn hard to link the entire series together to the point where in a movie about poltergeists and witches, you’ll consider them stretching it way too far. There are zero interesting characters, the jump scares are dull, and what’s worse is that the final scene borders on racist in an effort to explain the final scene in the first film. I really hope we begin to see a direction with the next movie, because “The Marked Ones” indicates they don’t know what they fuck they’re doing, and are just throwing random crap at us. For a series that once seemed to be veering in to a terrifying direction, it’s sad.
9. Tammy
Directed by Ben Falcone
Warner Bros.
Release Date: June 30th
Melissa McCarthy is so much better than she thinks she is, and this vanity vehicle apparently gives us an insight in to what kind of film she thinks she deserves. As Tammy, she’s a child stuck in a woman’s body, whose utter moronic tendencies are charming to people, for some odd reason. McCarthy’s vehicle can never be sure if it wants to be a road trip comedy, a romance, a dramedy, or just a downright stupid series of events that try to build Tammy in to some sort of blue collar heroine. McCarthy is downright unfunny, the movie is miserable, and the talented cast surrounding McCarthy are wasted or painfully misused. “Tammy” takes great pleasure in giving McCarthy carte blanche in improvising her dialogue and working away from the script which results in a laguhless tedious piece of swill that’s barely watchable.
8. Cabin Fever 3: Patient Zero
Directed by Kaare Andrews
Image Entertainment
Release Date: August 1st
Two movies later, and I still hate “Cabin Fever” and every essence of its premise. “Cabin Fever 3” is no big digression from the first two pieces of garbage, focusing on even more vapid characters turning on one another in the face of a flesh eating virus. This time, “Patient Zero” is a “maybe” (?) prequel that focuses on the lone survivor of the virus, and his penchant for being able to survive what is turning everyone around him in to rotting, festering, sacks of blood and guts. Meanwhile on the very island he’s on, a group of forgettable cannon fodder is victim to the flesh eating infection. Like the previous movies, none of the storylines matter, since everyone are either going to die, or will likely never make it to another wretched sequel. “Patient Zero” is grotesque, pointless, and lacking in any kind of scares. Not to mention it does literally nothing with a concept that was invented just to squeeze as much blood and guts out of the movie as possible.
7. I, Frankenstein
Directed by Stuart Beattie
Lionsgate Films
Release Date: January 24th
For some reason Hollywood keeps trying to turn Frankenstein’s monster in to a sexy anti-hero. I don’t understand the sex appeal of transforming a bunch of body parts sewn in to a human, but hey, I’m normal that way. “I, Frankenstein” tries to give the monster the “Underworld” treatment by turning him in to a beast with great power, pitted in the middle of a war between gargoyle people, and demons that either want Frankenstein, or want to know how to build their own Frankenstein’s. The movie’s premise goes back and forth on that idea. “I, Frankenstein” is literally nothing but a lot of fancy, albeit dodgy, special effects and massive battles, all of which lack any emotion or resonance. It’s not enough to stage massive battles, but how about creating compelling characters we can root for? In the right material, Aaron Eckhart is brilliant, but in “I, Frankenstein” he’s a buff, clefted, anti-hero who offers nothing interesting for his potential fan base to root for. He’s Frankenstein’s monster, sure, but that’s just not enough, in what is just a grueling attempt to build a franchise.
6. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
Directed by Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller
Dimension Films
Release Date: August 22nd
I loved Frank Miller’s noir mini-series and really enjoyed the film adaptation, I’m just wondering what the hell went wrong with “A Dame to Kill For.” With perhaps the proper writing, a sequel may have been great, but instead it’s a sadistically boring, overlong, and stupid follow up. Rodriguez and Miller waited way too long to develop the sequel, and give us little reason to care for this. Rather than paint the screen with new dynamic characters, and interesting conflicts, Miller and Rodriguez are content with regurgitating the same tension and sub-plots as the first film, right down to the Samurai prostitute Miho and the baffling reliance on Jessica Alba to carry the movie. Rodriguez and Miller have proven over the last few years that they really have no tricks left in their bag, anymore. “A Dame to Kill For” is proof positive that it’s about time to cut the strings and stop at part two with “Sin City.”
5. Dumb and Dumber To
Directed by The Farrelly Brothers
Universal Pictures
Release Date: November 14th
When an official sequel to “Dumb and Dumber” makes “When Harry Met Lloyd” look like comedy gold, something really is screwy. As I feared, “Dumb and Dumber To” picks up with our pair of numbskulls twenty years later, and just completely repeats the same beats from the original film all over again. There’s Harry and Lloyd driving a hit man insane, there’s the road trip, there’s a gag involving urine, a violent fantasy sequence, and repeats of the more minor gags involving the breath spray, and the “most annoying sound in the world.” There’s also a secret plot involving murder and blackmail that the pair stumbles in to, except the film drags in poor Laurie Holden and Rob Riggle to what is nothing but a pretty miserable follow up. By the time the movie mocks itself for repeating the same jokes, there’s just no salvaging what is an awful retread of the 1994 original, a comedy that happens to be one of my all time favorites. Watching a middle aged Harry and Lloyd get in to ridiculous antics just doesn’t work this time around. Thirty years old morons are funny. Fifty year old morons are just pathetic.
4. Jersey Boys
Directed by Clint Eastwood
Warner Bros. Entertainment
Release Date: November 11th
There’s just so much of “Jersey Boys” that could have gone well, and instead is just terrible on every level. Clint Eastwood’s direction is lazy and dull, the movie can never decide if it wants to be a musical or a drama, the acting is a mixed bag; most of all the casting is baffling. Did anyone really buy Christopher Walken as a powerful Italian mobster? Not even he seemed to take the role too seriously. Most of the attempted drama is also laugh out loud stupid, from the big confrontation in Walken’s house, to the epiphany that led to the group being called the Four Seasons, right down to Frankei’s band mate telling him to get over the death of his daughter to write a song. And I’ve never seen a movie rely so hard on a running joke involving Joe Pesci. “Jersey Boys” is just so stupid, and caps everything off with a epilogue featuring the cast members covered in horrible prosthetics and make up in an effort to make them look elderly. Director Eastwood’s clout doesn’t afford him the privilege of phoning in bad movie after bad movie.
3. God’s Not Dead
Directed by Harold Cronk
Pure Flix Entertainment
Release Date: March 21st
I can forgive “Heaven’s For Real” for being a Hallmark card style pat on the head for people terrified about the afterlife, but “God’s Not Dead” gets no pass. It’s a brutally obnoxious, ridiculous, and over the top smearing of atheism, and pretty much any religion not Christianity. There’s even a sub-plot involving a Muslim girl who is secretly converting to Christianity. What does her father do when he finds out? Why he beats the hell out of her, of course! They’re Muslim! I also really laughed during the moment when a country band filled with pious Christian devotees are interviewed by a music reporter who happens to be Atheist, prompting a stand off of snark versus pure old Country boy faith. Mustering up the same old clichés, “God’s Not Dead” pretends to throw the gauntlet on the table to have a really honest discussion of theism versus atheism. But in the end, it’s another confirmation of the just beliefs of any and all Christians. It’s shoddily made, laughably condescending, and just so obnoxiously satisfied with itself.
2. Wolf Creek 2
Directed by Greg McLean
Roadshow Film Distributors
Release Date: May 16th
Greg McLean continues to disappoint with the follow up to his utterly terrible horror film that manages to be even worse than the former. Placing the greater emphases on horror character Uncle Mikey, director McLean completely regurgitates the premise from the original film to set the stage for even more sadistic violence. This time around he dabbles in misogyny and homophobia while wandering through his film with ninety minutes of complete and utter nonsense. “Wolf Creek 2” can never decide if it’s a stern thriller or a dark comedy, opting for a lot of goofy moments that seem to mock its own ideas. Horror series don’t usually make fun of themselves until a fourth or fifth movie, but McLean is anxious to begin mocking his own ideas, and piss away any hope for suspense or terror. McLean transforms his horror character in to a fool, and continues wasting any chances at delivering unique original horror.
1. Tusk
Directed by: Kevin Smith
Written by: Kevin Smith
Starring: Justin Long, Michael Parks, Haley Joel Osment, Johnny Depp, Genesis Rodriguez
Smodcast Films
Release Date: September 19th
The film that supposedly “failed” Kevin Smith right in to the old reliable critic proof “Clerks III,” his second attempt at art house horror is embarrassing, ridiculous, and likely the most self indulgent film he’s made yet. “Tusk” isn’t just a pat on the back for Smith, but it’s also a diatribe of self loathing by a man who is in love with his celebrity, but seems to hate his inner person. He manifests these hideously unbearable themes with a barely watchable horror dark comedy that rips from Stephen King and Tom Six wholesale. Meanwhile, Smith drags down his entire cast in to a dull, painfully obnoxious narrative about a deranged man whose love for a walrus prompts him to deform his victims and transform them in to his own personal walrus pets.
Justin Long is typically entertaining in even the worst dreck, but comes out looking like a buffoon, while Smith stuffs his new friends in front of the camera. Watch for a short walk on by Smith’s daughter, as well as Johnny Depp’s daughter, both of whom play Canadian store clerks. Johnny Depp adds to the carnival of swill, donning terrible make up and a horrific French accent to play an alcoholic detective on the hunt for Michael Parks’ maniacal walrus fetishizer. While the whole of the movie is non-stop idiocy, Smith rides off the rails in the second half for a lot of scenes meant to evoke horror that are just downright unwatchable. Even the reveal of Long as a Walrus is nothing but a thud, thanks to Smith’s obvious inability to draw tension, suspense or shock. “Tusk” really reveals Smith’s lack of skill in storytelling, directing, and his inability to bring out the best from his cast. It’s no wonder he’s retreating back to comedy.
THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR is…
Muppets Most Wanted
I really enjoyed the Muppet Movie from 2011, so it’s a shame to see that the only aspect kept from it is Gary. Walter and co. are completely ignored in favor of a more meta story. The Muppets was a movie, and now the muppets are celebrities. They’re pursued by a slimy agent who wants to exploit them to set them up to fail, while Kermit is framed for a crime by his doppelganger. A lot of the muppets are out of character, they turn on Kermit way too quickly, the whole meta storyline becomes tired, and a lot of the great humor is side stepped in favor of the same stuff we’ve seen before. Granted, the comedic cast is wonderful, but “Muppets Most Wanted” left a lot to be desired.