Seth Porges’ fantastic documentary “Class Action Park” recently debuted on cable, prompting me to think back at the time I survived Action Park. I say survived, and not visited, because as a kid I had no idea how utterly absolutely dangerous and deadly the theme park had a reputation for being. On its surface it looked like a wonderful place to have some good summer time adventure, and the ads that played non-stop on television during the summer season made the place look amazing. But like “Itchy & Scratchy Land,” it was a death trap in disguise with horrendous hazards capable of maiming and or killing you.
Sans the robots, of course.
There’s been a ton of buzz about Action Park over the years, but never anything too concrete. Or so we would have been made to think. It’s all kind of true, sadly. And I’m happy to say that I didn’t injure myself badly while spending the day there one summer vacation. Growing up in poverty, you tend to take advantage of what ever vacations or holidays you can dig up. Here in the city, companies would rent whole buses and for a certain fee you could go on the bus and drive to a theme park or water park for the day. It was like one giant field trip with your neighbors and people you pretended to like.
One summer in 1992 my dad took advantage of a travel discount and me, my brother, and my dad got in on the bus ride. We took along our friend Jeremy who was a neighbor and good pal of ours at the time, and headed to Action Park for the entire day. I remember it being so utterly exciting and fun in the moment, but my dad didn’t seem to enjoy it very much. However, he did keep up appearances to make us happy. A lot of the rides were not really for nine year olds like me, or eight years old like my brother, so we mostly did nothing but walk around the park and watch others indulge in the fun. The first stop was the water slide which was pretty crummy when I think about it.
The water slide had nothing but lukewarm water on it and the end of the slide was filled with leaves and dirt, because the slide was directly under a grouping of trees. I didn’t mind the slide, despite sliding in to a puddle of dirty warm water, but my brother had a less than stellar time as he ended up sliding off course and scraped his bare stomach a bit. My dad and a worker had to help him off the slide. It was kind of an annoying incident since my dad was kind of angry about how the staff responded to the bumps he’d endured. From there were ended up at the tide pool which resulted in us mainly standing and watching as the Tide Pool looked like a genuine death trap.
Not only was the tide pool strong and heavy, but the pool was filled to the maximum with swimmers and thrill seekers. Picture the end of The Simpsons episode where everyone is trying to squeeze in to Martin’s pool. My dad refused to let us swim in the pool despite our pleading, and he was right to do so, as moments after arrived he’d managed to save a young boy who’d been sucked under one of the tides and nearly drowned. From there, we ended up at Bumper Boats, which also was one giant bust. I’d say it was the worst ride in the park, as they propped us in to these circular motorized boats on a small lake, and the bumper boats would go around and around, spinning none stop. You had to use the lever to hold it steady and get it moving around, but all I remember is sitting on the boat and spinning non-stop for twenty minutes.
Lastly, was Alpine Slide–which is fun on paper. The ride began by bringing us up to the top of a peak with a chair lift, and then we’d go down by riding these carts with levers that could either make you go very fast, or very slow. I had the advantage of choosing one of the four parallel tracks that was empty, so I was able to zoom down the track without interruption. Unlike many others, I would slow down when the park employees propped up signs to slow down at curves, and it was a good speedy ride. The downside was that it would go under the chair lifts and I vividly remember being spat on by someone up above.
That didn’t hinder my enjoyment though, but it wasn’t very pleasant for my dad, my brother and Jeremy, all of whom chose the same track and ended up crashing in to each other mid-way down the hill. It’s amazing how little safety there was in the Alpine Slide, and it stunk once you reached the even track, because you’d have to grab your cart and carry it to the end of the track yourself. Imagine a nine year old having to drag a fifty pound cart all by himself. It didn’t add to the fun. Considering many people suffered horrific injuries on the Slide including slamming on to rocks, being thrown from the carts, et al. I’m relieved that I came out unscathed. Action Park was… mediocre to say the least. It seemed propped up as a great adventure theme park but it never felt worth the money, when all was said and done.
I think even my dad felt like he’d wasted his money and time; I wasn’t too surprised when it closed down in 1996, and if you see “Class Action Park” you’ll understand all too well. We were lucky that we just ended up with some bumps, scrapes and a truly mediocre experience at Action Park, one Summer day.
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