It’s a question I’m often asked when I tell people I’ve been hosting a little get together with friends called BAD MOVIE MONDAY for the last two years.
“What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?”
That one’s easy. It’s a movie called THINGS, and it is the purest form of trash you’ll ever see. If you don’t know anything about it, THINGS was the brainchild of writer Barry J. Gillis and director Andrew Jordan. The movie supposedly had a budget of $350,000. However, that seems to be such a ridiculous exaggeration that I won’t even bother trying to debunk it. No way this cost that much. Either that, or hiring porn star Amber Lynn for three minutes of screen time cost a LOT more than I thought it would. Oh, and speaking of Amber Lynn, there’s two things to I want to say about her. One is that she is, by far, the best and most professional actor in this movie. Yeah, she’s totally reading off cue cards on a “News Studio” set in scenes that have nothing to do with the rest of the movie and were shot months if not years after principal photography, but she still knows how to act, which is refreshing. Two, is that she seems really sweet. Like she’s a big sister who went to her little brother’s party because she’s pretty and popular and knows it’ll help him get more people to come. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know she was paid to be in this, but in the behind the scenes footage she seems to be really amused by these guys. She’s laughing and telling them stories about working on “52 Pickup” directed by John Frankenheimer. It’s just cute, and these days I’ll take all the nice and sweet moments I can get.
THINGS is a very Ontarian movie made by very Ontarian people, and not just because there’s an actual line in the film that goes “The blood is dripping like MAPLE SYRUP.” Imagine if Bob and Doug McKenzie tried to remake Evil Dead and you’ll be within the ballpark of the insanity that awaits you.
As far as I can piece together, I’ve only seen this nine times after all, THINGS is about two friends, Don and Fred, who go up to visit Don’s brother Doug at his remote woodland cabin surrounded by murderous snakes and bears. However, unbeknownst to them, Doug and his wife Susan have participated in strange experiments by the evil Doctor Lucas in order for her to get pregnant because Doug is impotent. Soon after the friends arrive she gives birth to little THINGS that attack Don, Fred and Doug in various ways, and the three have to try to survive the onslaught.
Barry J. Gillis, who stars in the film and co-wrote the script, also did much of the music along with cast member Bruce Roach and director Jordan. I could make fun of the music, but you know what? It’s memorable at least. You’re not going to forget this soundtrack. You really won’t. It’ll haunt your dreams for months after watching the film
Doug Bunston, who plays uh… Doug, was meant to be a co-producer until he was forced by his family to get a “real” job. Which is an attitude by family members I’ve always found idiotic. Because, even in this case where the movie is utterly terrible, the guy’s going be remembered for the work he did. No one ever asks you to sign a movie poster because you were a great grocery store clerk. Always support your children’s dreams, even if they’re stupid dreams. Dreams are what you’ll remember when you’re old, not the awful reality.
Bruce Roach, who plays Fred, ran a video store called Video Gore in Scarborough Ontario and could only be on set for a short time, which is why his character disappears halfway through the movie in a scene that is both underwhelming and completely over the top. You don’t see him die or anything. The character just isn’t there anymore and the other characters go “OH MY GOD! Fred just got sucked into the third, fourth and FIFTH dimension.” Then later, when he comes back into the movie, literally nothing is mentioned of this. He just randomly bursts onto the screen swinging a real chainsaw, which apparently was an actual functioning saw that he almost cut himself with after slipping on all the fake blood on set.
I feel like I’m not accurately conveying the surreal quality of the film. This is the kind of shit that’s so utterly odd that even Dali couldn’t come up with it. How can I describe the long stretch of running time that Fred spends marveling on everything in the room including the fact that the cabin has running water and a plastic fish on the wall? How can I describe the fact that the guys inexplicably eat sandwiches with cockroaches inside of them? How can I describe the bonkers dialogue? “I was just trying to eee-eee-eease the tension!”
It’s all madness, all of it, but that’s kind of what I like about this film. You don’t watch THINGS for the intricate storytelling or the acting. You watch it because it’s made by people with access to cameras who had the crazy notion that they could pull an actual movie despite having no money, no experience, and no idea what they were doing. The film consistently manages to surprise me. It consistently makes me smile. Because I never know what to expect from one moment to the next even though I have legitimately seen it nine times. I’m never bored. How could I be? I doesn’t follow any of the rules of film-making. It just sort of IS, and I’m good with that. In fact, I recommend this to anyone with a dream and a camera. This will inspire you. Because if these guys did it, that means you can do it too. You can’t do any worse, that’s for damn sure
Oh, and before I leave you to decide whether to inflict this upon yourself or not, here’s a list ten things that I promise will happen during the film. It’s been a tradition of mine to make one of these lists for every BAD MOVIE MONDAY, and so why break tradition?
#10 – You have just experienced THINGS. Now you never have to experience it again.
THINGS can currently be watched on the TUBI streaming service.