The review I did for RISE OF SKYWALKER was a bit serious and gloomy. So I’m going to lighten things up a bit and talk about something fun this time. Today’s review is for a movie called DEADTIME STORIES, a horror anthology from 1986 that retells twisted versions of old fairy tales. Well, kinda. They do Little Red Riding Hood, and they do Goldilocks and The Three Bears, but the first story about witches isn’t really based on anything specific. That’s okay though, there’s enough nudity and gore in all three of these stories to make up for any disappointment that we’re not going to be getting a story about Humpty Dumpty as a serial killer or something. The film stars Scott Valentine as Peter, Nicole Picard as Rachel, Matt Mitler as Willie, Cathryn de Prume as Goldi Lox, and Melissa Leo as Judith “MaMa” Baer. It was directed by Jeffrey Delman. It was written by Delman, and J. Edward Kiernan, and Charles F. Shelton.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night, along with some of my favorite trash, so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
Usually, my biggest problem with a film like this would be that it’s a horror comedy, a genre that by definition is at odds with itself. Comedy defuses horror and horror defuses comedy, so doing it right requires a really deft and subtle touch that most filmmakers do not entirely possess. However, in this case, I think the people behind DEADTIME STORIES are doing a pretty good job. I get the sly winking tone that they were going for, even if horror comedy is my own personal bête noire. So, instead of that, my biggest problem is that it’s technically a movie made for no one. It tries to be a very goofy and over the top retelling of old fairy tales that feels like it’s a silly kid’s film, while at the same time being wayyyyyy too intense and gory and sexual for anything resembling a G or even a PG-rating, even in the far more laisser-faire eighties where a guy got his heart pulled out and then burned alive in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom. So, children, who are the audience that would probably appreciate this film the most, can’t watch it. While adults, who this film is targeted at, will think it’s kind of childish.
The plot goes something like this: An uncle is babysitting his nephew and, because the kid refuses to go to sleep, he tells the boy three twisted and completely inappropriate fairy tales. The first is about two evil witches trying to resurrect their dead sister. The second is about a modern day Little Red Riding Hood. The third, and arguably most inventive segment, is a deranged version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears that legitimately feels like what an H.G. Lewis musical would have been like if he’d ever made one.
I originally saw this in the eighties when I was about 14 and I remember being kind of disappointed by it. I’ve seen it a few times since and, while I’m not sure I’ve grown to love it or even like it, I have grown to really appreciate it. I always have fun with this crazy thing. It’s creative and weird and it was made by people who were sincere in their desire to make a good movie. That counts for a lot. There are plenty of clever little individual moments on display and none of the stories overstay their welcome. They can be a little too goofy at times, but they often succeed rather nicely in subverting the fairy tales conventions in interesting ways.
TEN THOUGHTS I HAD DURING THE MOVIE
#1 – While the acting isn’t super great, the guy who plays the uncle and the little kid who plays the nephew have genuinely warm back and forth banter. So that makes up for any inexperience or lack of skill.
#2 – The opening credits in this movie are legitimately great. It’s all stop motion stuff and it has that perfect retro feel to it. The theme song is also pretty catchy.
#3 – The first segment gets right to the gratuitous nudity in the first ten minutes of the movie. Quickly followed by the first gore scene. So this movie knows how to get shit done. A+
#4 – Scott Valentine, who started out on FAMILY TIES playing Justine Bateman’s boyfriend, never quite had the career he probably should have. Here he plays a naïve errand boy who works at procuring victims for the two evil witches. He’s really good.
#5 – The second segment has an interesting twist to the werewolf formula. I can’t quite be one hundred percent sure, but this may be the first time in movies where the werewolf uses strong sedatives to try and keep himself under control when the moon’s full. It’s a really great idea, and having the Red Riding Hood character accidentally get his pills at the pharmacy instead of her grandmother’s medicine is really clever. It explains why he’s chasing her to grandma’s place.
#6 – Ed French did the effects for this movie, and they’re all pretty good. The Werewolf scenes won’t make you forget American Werewolf in London or The Howling, but it’s very very decent for the budget he probably had to work with.
#7 – Of all three stories, Red Riding Hood is the most underwritten one. I really wish we’d gotten to know Rachel (Red Riding Hood) or Willie (The Big Bad Wolf) better. Rachel gets the wrong pills and goes to grandma’s house, while Willie desperately tries to get his pills, and that’s about the gist of the whole segment. It’s cool, but a bit thin. However, they do pad it out with a decent amount of softcore sex and nudity. So I’m not complaining too much.
#8 – The third segment is just pure madness. A telekinetic, sometimes naked, and always psychotic, Goldie Lox squaring off against the equally crazy Baer family is a hell of a take on the old fairy tale. Basically, it’s Stephen King’s Carrie against the Texas Chainsaw Massacre family if they were from Brooklyn instead of Texas. If they made a whole movie of this insanity, I would use a catapult to get to the nearest theater to watch it.
#9 – Melissa Leo is a bit unrecognizable as MaMa Bear, but that’s not her fault. Absolutely everyone in this segment is playing their part with the pedal to the metal. This is basically a live action Looney Tunes short. So it’s hard to stand out.
#10 – One of my favorite lines of dialogue in this movie, or any movie, is when MaMa Bear goes “She’ll be like the daughter we never had.” and Goldie Lox says “And you’ll be like the parents I brutally slaughtered.”
Was it actually bad?
Naw. It’s definitely not bad. I was wrong to dislike this movie when I was younger. Every segment has a few issues, but nothing to really complain about. You can tell that they sometimes just didn’t have the money to do something cool, but I appreciate the effort and the whole thing is still a lot of fun. It highlights what was best about oddball 80s horror movies. I highly recommend it!
