On today’s BAD MOVIE MONDAY review we’re going to tackle another Bruno Mattei joint. This time a Jaws rip-off called, appropriately enough, Cruel Jaws. Don’t worry though because it’s also known as Jaws 5 in some markets. Mattei didn’t get all soft on us in the 90s. He was still trying to sucker people into watching his fake sequels right up until the grunge era.
You know what though? I’m just going to come out and say it. I like Bruno Mattei. Yeah, he was kind of a scoundrel and a thief, but the man made movies with his heart and with his big huge brass Italian balls. How can I not admire that? Besides, I think this is more of a sequel to Jaws 3D than Jaws: The Revenge ever was. I’ve often said that I unironically like Jaws 3D because it’s kind of great as a not-so-sly parody of the Jaws phenomenon, a phenomenon which was entirely based on supposedly rational people being afraid of finding sharks in places where there are no sharks. Places like, you know, SeaWorld. And so the problem I have with Jaws: The Revenge is that it doesn’t really have anything that makes it stand out. The first Jaws is a thrill ride. Jaws 2 is a great tense thriller, like a slasher movie with a shark. Jaws 3D, like I said, is kind of a fun parody. However, the fourth Jaws is just a generic forgettable sequel and other than some member berries about the first movie and the presence of Lorraine Gary has absolutely nothing to really connect it to the rest of the series. It felt almost like an unsuccessful legacy sequel made thirty years too early. This movie, on the other hand, at least feels spiritually cohesive to the Jaws series. It’s a big bold silly mess and it’s refreshingly not ashamed of that.
SYNOPSIS
Cruel Jaws can be entirely summed up as “Hulk Hogan fights Jaws.” I know I sound like I’m pulling your leg but, no, that’s basically the gist of it. You have the corrupt mayor that wants to keep the beaches open no matter how many mangled bodies they find floating in on the tide. You have Hulk Hogan as the owner of an aquarium that he’s on the verge of losing because he owes back rent to the corrupt mayor, You have the mayor’s jock son bullying Hulk Hogan’s son. You have a lot of people running around with dynamite and helicopters. You have whispers of a sinister and secret US Navy experiment. Horny teens. Dolphins. This movie’s got a little bit of everything. It’s all incredibly dumb, but it’s a fun kind of dumb.
THOUGHTS DURING THE MOVIE
Cruel Jaws was released in 1995, but it looks like it was shot in 1983. The film grain, the lighting, even some of the actors’ appearance seem from a decade before. This is a good thing. I never liked the slicker look of 90s films.
The shark puppet is not that bad. I mean, sure, it’s fake looking and nearly completely immobile and it doesn’t match any of the stock footage of sharks they used and it’s the wrong size for a tiger shark, and uh… Actually, it’s kind of terrible. Still, they tried. Well, they probably tried. Maybe they just bought an inflatable shark pool toy. I dunno. I wasn’t there after all.
Yes, I realize the main character is called “Dag” and that he’s played by Richard Dew, but I’m going to keep calling Hulk Hogan throughout this review anyway because I am very childish.
Even if you hate this movie, you can’t hate the fact that the little girl who plays Hulk Hogan’s daughter Susy got to swim with real dolphins. That’s a lovely experience for her. So if this movie has any value to me at all, it’s in the fact that a kid got to have a fun happy memory that will last a lifetime.
This movie contains my TWO favourite tropes: “The beaches are going to stay OPEN!” and “If we don’t come up with the money soon, we’re gonna lose the house!” Oh man. You can never go wrong with those.
Remember that scene in Jaws 2 where a girl tries to chase away the shark that’s attacking her boat by pouring gasoline on it? It’s recreated for this movie in the dumbest way possible. In the original, her actions are arguably stupid but what else was she supposed to do? A massive shark was ripping her boat apart and she’d just seen her friend get killed. It was a desperate act. In Cruel Jaws, the boat is in no actual danger and the girl just pours a hundred gallons of gasoline all over herself and everyone around her, with not a single drop of it ever touching the shark. This is quickly followed by one of the other guys on the boat inexplicably shooting off a flare instead of grabbing that can of liquid death out of her hands and going “Whadafuckareyoudoing????” as I would have done.
At some point one of the characters exclaims “He’s gotta be over EIGHT METERS long!!!” because that’s how American talk innit?
They actually try to “fish” for the shark using a big rope and a hook with meat on it TWICE, and both times the people fishing either don’t let go of the rope or don’t cut the rope when the sharks starts to reel them in. I was going to say that the number of people who die stupidly in this film is unrealistic, but then I remembered that they’re from Florida.
The shark in the movie is a Tiger Shark and it’s very obvious that the filmmakers called it that because it makes it sound more scary. Because real Tiger Sharks are small and stealthy, the exact opposite of the shark in the film.
The Star Wars theme being played, more like plagiarized, as our heroes set off to find the shark is the perfect cherry on top of this shit sundae.
WAS IT REALLY A BAD MOVIE?
Does it matter? Do we care? HULK HOGAN IS FIGHTING JAWS! Lighten up and just enjoy the ride. Life is too short to legitimately complain about this trash. Bruno Mattei was a human with beautiful human flaws, and he sure seemed to love American movies. That he was a thief was a bad thing and I wish he had been more original, but I forgive him. He died in 2007, and one must not speak ill of the dead. Especially when their worst sins involve ripping off a couple of Hollywood big shots like Steven Spielberg and James Cameron. I can look past that. Cruel Jaws is Mattei’s film. It’s everything he loved about blockbuster movies recorded in 35mm for all to see. So even though I may frown upon his very loose interpretation of copyright I still love him for sharing the things that he loved with the rest of us.
CRUEL JAWS is a 1995 horror film starring Richard Dew as Dag Soerensen, David Luther as Francis Berger, George Barnes, Jr. as Samuel Lewis, Scott Silveria as Bob Soerensen, and Kristen Urso as Susy Soerensen. It was written by Robert Feen, Bruno Mattei and Linda Morrison, and it was directed by Bruno Mattei.
