“Halloween” will be and must be compared to the original, because it’s a pale imitation, it’s a botched job on every meaning of the word. At the end of the day, while “Halloween” is still one of my all time favorite horror films, “Black Christmas” is by far the better and creepier picture. But the remakes are basically the same. They’re just so bad they’re embarrassing and Zombie fails to inspire an influence and creates what can simply be known as “The Devil’s Rejects: Haddonfield.” Zombie continues with his demonizing of the poor and lower class, while also treading over the same crap we were given in “The Devil’s Rejects.” Is this better than “Halloween: Resurrection”? Sure, but so is smashing your head into a wall.
But is it the best of the “Halloween” canon? Hardly, it’s not even better than “Season of the Witch.” Zombies monstrosity feels like two movies. The first half involves a psychotic boy growing up in your typical trailer trash family, one that only Zombie can really recycle from his past work. This facsimile named Michael Myers lives in a basically cliché house of poor slobs, and kills his sister one Halloween night. Gone is the suburban monotony that bred evil, and in comes a tortured life for poor Michael. The second half is a poorly condensed version of Carpenter’s film, a la “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” in which Michael is now a brutal, clunky, and vicious version of the former shape sans the dread. If you can endure the sob story of the first half in which Zombie alludes to Michael becoming evil due to the death of his father, the profession of his mom, and the horrible upbringing we’re inevitably asked to weep to, Zombie almost seems to tackle the “Halloween” mythos to some degree.
And if we’d have had a Halloween movie in the first place, this would be a much different review. But you have to also wade the usual Zombie facets like the endless vulgarity he deems edgy, the parading around of Sheri Moon, the freeze frames and grainy home video implemented in the past, the appearance of the entire “Devil’s Rejects” cast at some point for no reason but to please his fan base, the goofy diatribes from different characters, and inadvertently laugh out loud moments. For example, there’s Malcolm McDowell with faux long hair, the butchering of the original score, the performance by William Forsythe and Sheri Moon, the “Love Hurts” montage, the interviews between Loomis and Michael that are so sugary you feel like you’re watching home movies when they should be disturbing, and the cameo from Ken Foree.
Looking at the atmosphere and version Zombie had for Meyers, it’s pretty clear what his motives were from moment one, as he brings the mythos of Meyers into the world of “Texas Chainsaw Massacre,” while also turning Meyers into a close copy of Leatherface. Michael is no longer a shape or a shadow, he’s a machine. He barrels into victims, stands in the middle of streets, and revels in the screams and torture of his victims, rather than keep stealth a must. The lead up to Haddonfield lacks any build-up or mounting tension, and Michael’s inevitable arrival is both sadly misfired and completely missed in the sense of impact. His crashing down onto his old town, as well as his first sighting of his little sister is met with no emotional resonance, thus Michael is just stalking more victims, and Laurie happens to be his favorite. Michael also lacks any personality or mystique like he once possessed.
He’s more routine serial killer than a force of evil and Zombie’s attempts to stray from the mythos is utterly rehashed and dull. Zombie has a clear lack of courage within “Halloween” and displays the definite sign of a man who was too inept to tell his own tale, and just condensed Carpenter’s original into a little under an hour for no other purpose but to appease the naysayers; and by that “Halloween” is part one-dimensional slasher, and part sloppily truncated remake. It seems in an attempt to make money, we’re subjected to demystifying monsters, and it’s a damn shame. While Michael is still a great character, Zombie in his infinite shortsightedness does the character no justice. This is probably the worst remake since “Black Christmas.”