If you’ve ever never seen “Never Too You to Die,” you’re not prepared to comprehend what entirely unfolds. The narrative takes all kinds of wild directions from a martial arts film, a science fiction movie, a terrorist movie, and hell, even a musical. Think “Die Hard” and “Escape from New York” mixed with “Gymkata,” and you’re almost there. Except there’s Gene Simmons going whole hog as a hermaphroditic/transsexual terrorist!
Set in a somewhat near future, a scientist named Stargrove who has invented a computer that can be used as a weapon. When he’s murdered by gang member Velvet Von Ragnar and his thugs, his long lost son and college student Lance is recruited by secret agent Danja Deering. He’s recruited to infiltrate Ragnar’s base but when he catches on, it becomes a race against time to stop Ragnar before he holds the world hostage by poisoning the water supply.
“Never Too Young to Die” wears its insanity on its sleeve, and I kind of adore it for that very fact. Every element in the film seems to try to be topping itself, allowing for an experience that’s just so bad it’s good. Gene Simmons, for one, doesn’t just play a transsexual, but a hermaphroditic transsexual who gets off on performing, and seducing every man that walks in to her dressing room. Simmons almost seems to have taken some pages from Tim Curry, especially in his entrance and how he seemingly dives in to everything from a corset, to a dress.
Simmons has great sense of timing in the way he punctuates every bit of dialogue and even carries some scenes. Director Gill Bettman opens the door to so much more insanity (there’s an odd cameo from Robert Englund who by 1986 was already known as Freddy Krueger) including Simmons apparently ad libbing, and building on the far fetched romance between Vanity and John Stamos. Even Stamos in his pre-“Full House” days is so much of a bland hero that it’s tough to believe he’d seduce someone like Vanity. They’re even paired up as action heroes; it ends up being more laughable than exciting.
That’s especially true during a torture sequence where Lance suddenly musters up the will to become a martial arts master after building the power from a picture of his family. “Never Too Young to Die” is a great, trashy midnight movie filled with laugh out loud performances, and one hell of a show stealer from Gene Simmons.
Along with a DVD Copy, there’s the original TV spot for Too Young to Die, and an audio commentary with pop culture historian Russell Dyball, who offers an excellent analysis of Never Too Young to Die and discusses the period when the film was completed. Finally, there’s a vintage standard-definition VHS presentation of Never Too Young to Die!