For The Love of the Scare: A Short Word from a Born and Raised Horror Fan Boy

When I was a kid, my mom would always sit us down to watch whatever cartoons or action movies were on, while she went off to cook or clean. Back then, we didn’t have cable, but we did have many VHS movies, and most of them were horror movies that my mom kept in a chest in her room, away from us.

My mom would make it a stern rule not to watch these movies. Which is weird considering they never cared when we saw violent action films, or gory science fiction films. And wouldn’t you know it? I never killed anyone in my life. Good parenting goes a long way, folks. As you can guess, she had a library of the classic horror films. You know the classics I’m talking about. But, she’d trained us to be horror fans, and to quench our thirst for the frightening, we’d watch stuff like “The Monster Squad,” and “Goonies.”

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Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

elviraI would have loved to be a fly on the wall during the writing of “Mistress of the Dark.” Basically, the entire formula for comedy is comprised of a steady delivery of sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts, sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts, sex joke, double entendre, joke about Elvira’s breasts. Lather, rinse, and repeat. Hope for the best! Not to say it’s a bad formula, but after an hour, it becomes so predictable, you can see when a joke is about to fly at the audience, and it doesn’t really land all the time. But then again, Cassandra Peterson makes even the most clunky one-liner land, thanks to her almost unabashed goofiness, and her ability to use her chest as a sight gag more times than not.

For anyone who used to see this film when it originally premiered, using her chest as a form of laughs and awe from the men in the audience never gets old. When I was seven I’d see this movie every single time it was on television and it’s not because the movie is a comedy classic. Granted, “Mistress of the Dark” has a lot going for it. It never tries too hard and actually has fun with the premise. Cassandra Peterson uses this opportunity to bank on the popularity of her character while also giving her something to do. She provides the audience with her origin, a back story about her family, and she never hesitates to flirt with men around her in spite of the disgust of the puritanical town she ends up in.

There endless sex jokes and sight gags, so much so that the script would only be about four pages without them included. After quitting her famous cable show, Elvira sets out to start her own Vegas act, but she needs almost a hundred thousand dollars to fund it.  She’s called back to her aunt’s home town Fallwell to inherit her possessions after she’s died, and after moving in to her dark mansion and adopting her dog, Elvira discovers she comes from a long line of witches. Meanwhile, her evil long lost uncle wants the sacred book of “recipes” Elvira’s aunt has left behind, while Elvira battles the town’s puritanical government, all of whom will do whatever it takes to run her out of town. Elvira runs amok garnering the love of the town’s teens, and even turns a small picnic in to an orgy after she botches a stew.

“Mistress of the Dark” is by no means a masterpiece, but compared to the likes of similar fare like “Repossessed,” it’s just infinitely more watchable and entertaining. Elvira sticks closely to the horror genre, providing a fish out of water comedy that was quite popular in films like “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” and the eventual “Addams Family” big screen debut. Elvira herself is a likable character filled with movie references and shameless homages, while also never afraid to flaunt her assets to everyone she meets, even smothering her own windshield when she cleans it at a gas station. It may not be the comedy that re-invented horror comedies, but Elvira’s feature film debut is an entertaining and raunchy foray with the always sexy and unique Cassandra Peterson keeping together a formula plot and hit or miss jokes and one-liners with her wit, personality, and pair of talents always heaving for the audience.

That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: A Zombie Tale

“When she’s shambling ‘cross the bedroom floor, that’s not your Mommy anymore.”

There are kids books for what to do if you’re going to the dentist, making friends, your first day of school, moving, and even peeing in the bed. But what happens when the zombie apocalypse becomes the norm for children? Well, “That’s Not Your Mommy Anymore” is the perfect guide book for the cautious youngster who would want to know what to do when the situation arises involving their parents and zombification.

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Stephen King's The Shining (1997)

theshining1997It’s common knowledge among movie buffs that Stanley Kubrick’s much lauded adaptation of “The Shining” is a film that author Stephen King did not like. At all. He openly expresses his disgust for it and his annoyance at director Kubrick’s insistence on taking the story in his own direction and away from the original novel. So in response to his long publicized criticism of what is arguably a horror classic, director Mick Garris obliged with a two part television mini-series that painted “The Shining” as we saw in the novel. Sadly, while it is very entertaining as a novelty horror film it lacks the oompf and visceral atmosphere of the Kubrick classic.

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The Shining (1980)

TheShining1980That’s Hollywood for you. They love you. They love your book. They buy your book. They adapt it in to a big budget feature, and in the end only really bring bits and pieces of your story to the big screen for audiences to see. In this instance it’s “The Shining,” an acclaimed horror film adapted by director Stanley Kubrick that author Stephen King has always hated. But then King is only one in almost a hundred authors whom absolutely detested the big screen versions of their novels. Director Kubrick’s idea of planning a film that respected the source material of King’s novel but not completely following the story is a bit of Hollywood rogue filmmaking that ended up angering King but simultaneously created one of the most beloved horror movies of all time.

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An Interview with Linnea Quigley

Thanks a lot for agreeing to the interview, you’re a massive rock star around my household!
Thanks for the rock star thing! I’m trying to re-record the songs I wrote, plus I love writing. I still like the raw feel of the “originals” though, so thanks.

Do you feel horror films are much more jaded than they were back in the eighties or nineties?
I think back when i did horror films they were put in a bad class. It was like “Oh you’re doing that.” Now with “The Walking Dead,” they are accepted more by everyone. But some bad films are still being made, and just thrown together. But nothing beats “Return of the Living Dead” or “Night of the Demons.”

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Ten Reasons Why We Love Seth Green

Seth Green has built up an incredible body of work. Spanning almost four decades, Mr. Green has managed to rise from his start as a child actor, and survived the infamous curse of the child star to carve a career for himself in the mainstream, and cult arena. Seth Green has set foot in every corner of Hollywood imaginable, and he just continues re-inventing himself and taking bold moves with his career. He’s had plenty of flops (ahem–“Without a Paddle”), and many mediocre jobs (“Can’t Hardly Wait”), but Green still comes out ahead in the end. This is due to his personable nature, his humility, his ability to connect with geeks and fanboys eye to eye since he is one, and because he is one of the most daring comedic actors alive today. He takes risks, and when he’s in the zone he can inspire raucous laughter from everyone.

People love Seth Green, and we do too. Whether it’s earning the love of comedy fans in his role as the demented Chris Griffin on “Family Guy,” keeping the love of nineties kids with his role as Wiley in “Airborne,” gaining the attention of action fans in films like “The Italian Job” and “Knockaround Guys,” or earning indie cred in the abysmal “Party Monster,” Seth Green is never afraid to try something new with his career and take a chance on a project. What’s more is he always seems to enjoy doing favors for his close circle of friends adding his credit to their work. Seth Green is a very popular entity who can act, write, and pretty much shill his stuff shamelessly on shows like “The Soup” without coming off pathetic. It’s because he’s so damn funny and likable. Here are ten reasons why we love Seth Green.

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