A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

VPz6MaKAt this time horror fans are so beaten down to a messy shit stain that they really don’t have the strength to complain about remakes of their beloved horror classics anymore. Because whether we like it or not, Platinum Dunes and other horrific money grubbing companies will rehash our favorite titles and nothing is off limits. That preface aside, Neo-Nightmare sets down on basically the same premise except with ten times less the flavor and creativity of Wes Craven’s admittedly dated original. I never liked Platinum Dunes to begin with but “A Nightmare on Elm Street” ends as such a blatant spit in the face of horror fans everywhere it practically begins with a disclaimer reading, “We don’t give a shit about quality, but hey at least we have your money, suckers!” And they fell for it hook line and sinker.

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The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

2006_hills_have_eyes_wallpaWhen news broke out Craven was producing a remake (yes, another fucking remake) to his classic “The Hills Have Eyes” I groaned. I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of the original film that’s still branded a classic. I saw it twice and it just didn’t resonate with me. The cannibals looked like cavemen/WWE wrestlers, the acting was horrible, the plot dragged, and I just wasn’t satisfied. While I can and do appreciate its importance in horror (hence the collective groan after the remake news) I just didn’t care for it. I was weary of this remake since about 95 percent of modern horror remakes are terrible (i.e. House of Wax, TCM), but two words instantly turned me in to someone really anxious to watch this. Alexandre Aja.

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Cursed (2005)


This is “Scream” werewolf style, with red herrings, a hip cast, endless pop culture references, jump scares and a leading lady who can actually act being forced in to a situation. She even has a spazoid sidekick. Plus there’s that “Scream” style ending with everyone running back and forth and the “Maybe it’s him, maybe it’s her, but no it’s this person!” gimmick. But more characteristically, “Cursed” is a jumbled mess filled with moments that will surely have you repeatedly declaring “That would have been a great sequence”, and I was doing the same thing. Werewolves in the mirror room? Would have been great. Changing in to a werewolf in a public bathroom? Would have been great. Silencing barking neighborhood dogs with a howl? Could have been great. But alas, none of it really is.

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