With Cinema Crazed gaining more and more access in to the newest films every year, we were able to catch so many movies for 2010 and even with our incessant scramble to watch every possible title out there, we still didn’t have enough time to see it all. With our commitment to reviewing indies and cult cinema first and foremost, we don’t really have the material for these lists until November or December, and then it becomes a mad panic to watch as much as possible to compile this annual list.
Nevertheless, we saw more films in 2010 than in previous years, and many movies earned our spots. Others just didn’t. Many other titles just escaped our memory. So yes, these are lists of the best and worst movies that we’ve seen. Odds are there will be a movie from 2010 in mid-2011 we think should have been apart of the list, regretfully. As with every year we have some new categories, and we hope we inspire such rage in you that you’re able to find it in your heart to leave a vicious anonymous passive aggressive comment on Rotten Tomatoes for one of our reviews. That’s all we ask. Or be ballsy and email us. Come on, we dare you. Or if you’re feeling conversational, send us your own Top 10 and Worst 10 of 2010! We can likely begin a conversation that’s human and polite.
Pardon me while I have a strange interlude: “The King’s Speech” isn’t on any of these lists. The studio didn’t send screeners, it’s only playing in two theaters in New York, and we don’t have the time or effort to seek it out and risk being bored senseless. So forgive us for that. We’re sure it’s a fine movie about a stuttering king, honest. But… we didn’t have the time to find out.
On to the show!
10. Vampires Suck
Directed by Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation
This is a no brainer for the top ten slot. It would have gotten a much higher spot, but the two morons behind this shockingly enduring franchise aren’t even trying. They don’t care to try. They don’t want to try. They’re using infantile humor, copying online memes and fan films, and just collecting paychecks, so they don’t deserve so much scorn to be put in the upper levels of the list. “Vampires Suck” is just such a waste of time made by people who obviously didn’t even put any effort in to their screenplay, so while the film is god awful, it didn’t inspire rage in us.
It’s instead just a big car wreck so monumentally disastrous, you can only muster up enough strength to watch it, shrug, and pat your sides in disgust. With jokes that will surely expire in two years, a cast of actors who will be lucky to be working in a few years, and an all around hackneyed job of writing, this “spoof” of the Twilight films is so lazy and sloppy, it barely represents anything resembling comedy. It’s a black hole of laughs. It’s so unfunny your face will cave in. Is there really anything left to say about this?
Why We’ll never see this again
What is with the Asian bashing in this movie?
9. Alice in Wonderland
Directed by: Tim Burton
Disney Studios Motion Pictures
Selling us on another big screen adaptation of “Alice in Wonderland” was a tough situation. We were never fans of the book or story, and we never enjoyed any of the film adaptations. But taking Tim Burton and unleashing him on this world didn’t do any good for the welfare of “Alice in Wonderland.” Yes, people will quickly argue “It grossed over a billion dollars at the box office! So you’re wrong!” Trust us, we’re still pondering why this movie garnered so much money. Tim Burton was obviously handed the opportunity to make a quick payday yet again (the first time being “Planet of the Apes”) in an effort to get a passion project off the ground and it shows with “Alice in Wonderland.”
Enlisting all of the usual clichés, the film feels like a director imitating Tim Burton at his prime and failing big time. All the while all of the gloom and whimsy of a typical Burton film is completely gone in favor of grim and often listless special effects, horrible performances from the entire seasoned cast, and a premise so convoluted and confusing we felt like the Mad Hatter by the time the credits began rolling. In an effort to look out for his number one and number two, Burton allows wife Helena Bonham Carter the privilege of providing an over the top performance as the red queen, all the while offering more screen time to the Mad Hatter as played by Johnny Depp, obviously. A character who was once just a plot point is now a supporting player and superhero fighting alongside Alice and almost hogging the screen time from her. Burton’s installment of this classic tale wants to be “Lord of the Rings” and “The Chronicles of Narnia” all at once and rather than rely on his strengths, Burton just wings it for a majority of the film delivering a lackluster and absolutely lethargic entry from a career in desperate need of rejuvenation and re-invention.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
The Mad Hatter performing a lame victory dance called the Futterwacken. Do they have Youtube in Alice’s world?
8. Skyline
Directed by: Greg Strause, Colin Strause
Universal Pictures
In spite of buzz from fans around the net that this was about as bad as “Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem,” we were optimistic. I mean the brothers Strause couldn’t have created a movie as bad or worse than their debut, right? Aw, we gave them a chance and decide to give these two yucksters the benefit of the doubt. Then we sat down to watch the film and prayed that someone would take these two men and pay for film school. I mean it’d be a public service for movie fans. “Skyline” is so bad it seems to work actively in not entertaining us. It seems driven in making us about as miserable as humanly possible by avoiding any and all opportunities to be entertaining, or original, or inventive.
It’s just a movie likely made for tax purposes for the studios. With an absolutely nonsensical and confusing script aboard, the Strause brothers second film is so god awful even Roland Emmerich would give it two thumbs down. For a movie that’s about a massive alien invasion, the audience is reduced to watching the characters in the film sitting in their condo for most of the film bickering, crying, and arguing while we watch the special effects in the distance. And when we finally do get them out of the damn condo and in to the line of fire, the directors purposely rip scenes from films like “Independence Day” and “Cloverfield” all the while failing to present at least one interesting element in the entire narrative. Worst of all we have David Zayas who goes from fantastic in “Dexter” to absolutely over the top and cartoonish as character Oliver who fails to be convincing as a hero or even a normal survivor while the convoluted plot of the alien invasion involving zombies, space ships, and the like fade in to a blur of sheer abysmal proportions. It seems we have to have a D grade genre movie with B list actors every year. One year it was “Dragon Wars” and this year its the piece of tripe we now know as “Skyline.”
Why We’ll Never See This Again
If at first you don’t succeed… just keep shooting the flying things.
7. The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six
IFC Films
The movie that gave dozens of movie critics the idea they were so clever by using “Ass to Mouth” jokes from a bad Kevin Smith movie, Tom Six’s film is a cinematic outing that many assumed would stain audiences souls forever. Many reports indicated people were instantly disturbed and had an eternally difficult time forgetting what was assuredly the most disturbing film ever made. Other people we spoke to absolutely refused to ever see this film no matter what anyone told them. And then we watched it. And then we wondered when America became such spineless pussies. We’ll admit we bought in to the hype too. “The Human Centipede” is a film that’s pretending to say something. But it’s not sure what. Even after seeing it we’re wondering what director Tom Six was trying to say, if anything. What did he try to convey? What was the point in all of this misery?
When will we be above movies that are made just to explore human cruelty? The ending is even so bleak Six seems to want to indicate that he’s left us with a message, but what?! There’s no message we’re assuming. “The Human Centipede” is one half a boring slasher film about two women trying to outmatch an evil German surgeon, and one half torture porn. Both of which pretend to be something of high art, even positing its human centipede as a twisted work of art. Granted, the film is uneasy most times, but it’s based around the two separate plot molds where our protagonist struggles to outwit her evil killer and for a long period that completely throws the narrative off the rails, Six relies on the simple stalk and slash momentum for the first half. Then he dives in to the surgery where we simply witness the surgeon attempting to train the centipede leading to an inept and comedic final showdown with two moronic officers. Filled with unsympathetic characters, a boring premise, and a holier than thou tone, this didn’t stain our souls and bring us in to therapy. It merely forced us to look for something so much better and much more entertaining. Oh sure, all of you horror geeks are calling us kill joys, and pretentious right now, but.. at least we’re not pretending this forgettable piece of torture porn is art.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
Eating feces! That’s edgy, right?
6. Clash of the Titans
Directed by Louis LeTerrier
Warner Bros.
It takes a real hack to completely destroy the concept of a half-god half mortal fighting through monsters, demons, and demigods to get to his father Zeus who is trying to kill his bastard son. The “Clash of the Titans” remake had potential to be one of the most exciting and incredible remakes of all time, taking the entertaining Harryhausen epic and turning it in to a period fantasy epic we can appreciate and love for decades. In the right hands this movie would have had fans forever saying “I love Ray Harryhausen but… the remake is so much better!” It didn’t happen. Sadly, the studios enlisted the horrific direction of Louis LeTerrier to bog down his film in grainy visuals, and choppy CGI, while implementing the use of post-production 3D that didn’t help the box office receipts. We had a lot of hope for Louis LeTerrier after “Transporter 2,” but being Hollywood’s current go to guy for a quick dumb action fest (“Incredible Hulk” anyone?), he seems to be more intent on going in and getting the job done fast, not getting it done well.
He doesn’t seem very interesting in making a well thought out cinematic product. Meanwhile, they relied on the old default player Sam Worthington to deliver the square jawed chiseled hero who lacked in everything from personality, charisma, empathy, and the like looking absolutely sleepy, all the while delivering one of the clunkiest and poorly written scripts of the year that was filled with exposition, flashbacks, and back story, and lacking in excitement, and interesting characters. Worthington looked like a marine who wandered in to the set for most of the film, and barely delivered a convincing performance. And when a movie manages to make Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes look like community theater thespians, you’ve committed the ultimate of remake mistakes. Star Sam Worthington has gone on a major interview spree after the release of “Clash” assuring fans of the original film over and over that the sequel to “Clash” will be better, admitting this one wasn’t good at all. We’re open to an improved sequel that can fix the massive mistakes of the first leg of this trilogy, but we’re not crossing our fingers.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
Okay Sam, okay! We believe you, the sequels won’t suck.
5. Valentine’s Day
Directed by: Garry Marshall
Warner Bros. Pictures
Never prone to just letting the UK have their own classic film about the power of love with their heavyweight performers, America and Warner thought it would be peachy keen if we had our own movie about love. But instead of centering a film around the power of love and depicting human relationships in all of their flaws and glory, they recruited awful director (yes, we said awful director!) Garry Marshall, and used him to create one of the worst movies of the year based around the most sickening artificial holiday of the year. Valentine’s Day is a day where people have to literally be told that they love one another, and sticking true to the day in question, “Valentine’s Day” is a sickening nauseating, disingenuous, phony piece of holiday hokum that features an entire cast of alleged big names and has beens and make them walk around spouting some of worst dialogue imaginable revolving around a day of the year that many people despise.
Like a pre-written poem in a greeting card, Marshall’s film is an impersonal lazy rehash of clichés taking actors like Jessica Alba and Ashton Kutcher, along with actors (?) Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner and make them fumble around the screen for two hours finding love, looking for love, looking for the meaning of love, dealing with heartbreak, talking about heartbreak and while Marshall makes it his mission to inject every familiar image about Valentine’s day imaginable, the film is completely and utterly void of complex emotions of actual humanity that can allow us to connect to anyone on screen. From the soundtrack, to the conflicts, to the finale, every single minute of Marshall’s lemon is a cliché, and a trite one at that. A despicable bit of pandering to drooling audiences, “Valentine’s Day” is every bit the exploitative piece of pandering to emotions a heart shaped box of chocolates is. And just like after eating the box of chocolates, you’ll be sick by the time the film has mercifully come to a close. If there is anything you can take away from this is that America is way too obsessed with this stupid holiday.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
“Are You sick?”
“Yes. Love Sick.”
4. Jonah Hex
Directed by Jimmy Hayward
Warner Bros. Pictures
Even the most optimistic movie fans looking forward to a big screen adaptation of their favorite Western comic book, things just didn’t seem right with “Jonah Hex.” After constant re-shoots, and constant troubles on the set, we were barely given glimpses in to the production. Shortly before the film was initially released there were barely any trailers or promotion for the film and once it finally shambled in to theaters, we were shocked to see that DC and Warner delivered fans a half baked half assed piece of schlock. And not the fun schlock either. “Jonah Hex” is not so much a horrible movie as it is a half done and poorly conceived adaptation. “Jonah Hex” was always one of the more surreal and inventive comic books of the DC Comics silver age, and Warner basically turned it in to an attempt at faux-stylish Western fare with intents at being horror, supernatural, a revenge film, an epic science fiction film, and a gritty Western. Neither of those angles toward sub-genres worked.
“Jonah Hex” watches like a product that was completely rushed and totally incomplete as everything from the performances to the writing is hackneyed and absolutely muddled, and the script feels as if there were too many cooks in the kitchen at one time. The prologue is overlong padding with animated sequences that serve no purpose, the character dynamics are forced and pointless, sub-plots are partially developed and barely resolved, while the central plot between Jonah and his old-enough-to-be-his-daughter prostitute girlfriend Lilah makes for some of the worst moments in the film. Brolin clearly doesn’t want to be in the film, Megan Fox is severely out of place, and folks like John Malkovich, Michael Fassbender, and Will Arnett (?) all seem as if they’re angrily collecting paychecks with every second they mug for the camera. The overall premise for “Jonah Hex” is under developed and for what we’re told is the villain’s master plan is so convoluted and far-fetched it can barely rely on the excuse that it’s just fiction. “Jonah Hex” is the personification of time wasted, and another fine creative comic book pissed away by executives who clearly didn’t understand it or didn’t want to.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
If you’re going to cast Megan Fox, at least show off the goods.
3. Resident Evil: Afterlife
Directed by Paul WS Anderson
Screen Gems
Continuing the Paul and Milla show, “Resident Evil: Afterlife” pushes the concept of “Resident Evil” out of its way in favor of an action science fiction series that features less and less zombies with every sequel. And it ends on a cliffhanger to boot! “Afterlife” is a massively ridiculous waste of time, featuring Milla Jovovich as one of the last survivors of the zombie apocalypse. Filled with an apparent abundant supply of hairdryers, eyeliner, make-up, and clothes that pops out of thin air, she flies around the world looking for… something, and tapes testimonials on a digital camera that… is being documented… for something. Meanwhile Milla’s character Alice loses her powers by Snively Whiplash aka Wesker, who saps her powers away, and forces her to take refuge in a local prison.
There she spends an enormous amount of time making rape eyes at Boris Kodjoe, getting nearly naked at every turn, and battling new monsters who appear and disappear before we can get in to the excitement. I use the word excitement loosely. The abundant use of slow motion is absolutely comical, and the prison plot basically makes no sense. Especially when you consider that Umbrella is still trying to refine their disease and take over the world. Which is absurd considering there’s no more world to dominate! What the hell are they still trying to take over if 94 percent of the world’s population are zombies and monster chow? In all honesty we wouldn’t even mind the “Resident Evil” movies are now nothing but vanity vehicles for Paul WS Anderson’s wife if Alice were an amazing character. If Alice were a banner genre heroine we could get behind and root for, we could have a reason to continue coming back to Anderson’s bastardizations, but he can barely make Alice an interesting heroine, and the series revolves around her! But like it or lump it, “Afterlife” was a commercial success, which means a sequel is imminent. Look for it to take one of the slots in this list next year.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
Hey look, it’s… the guy with the big fucking axe! Yay?
2. Nightmare On Elm Street
Directed by Samuel Bayer
Platinum Dunes
The worst nightmares of the Nightmare fans came true in what was possibly the laziest hack job from Platinum Dunes studios to date. In a continued effort to remake every single classic film in existence and make some quick cash, Michael Bay’s company brought aboard debut director Samuel Bayer. Bayer, after turning down the offer to make the film twice, came on, did his job, directed one of the most lethargic, laziest, and putrid remakes in the last decade, and went on an interview spree insulting anyone who had the gall to call “Nightmare” terrible. He then proclaimed his need to branch out of horror and direct anything that isn’t apart of the genre that “Nightmare” was born from. And Wes Craven doesn’t mind his films being remade, nah! It’s not to much that “Nightmare” is a remake. In fact we were excited for this remake initially and welcomed a new vision of the Craven film. It’s not so much that this is god awful, but it’s the fact that it’s boring.
It’s so absolutely boring to watch that it’s just tragic that there are dozens of directors who’d kill for a chance to present their vision of Craven’s original film, and instead Platinum Dunes just hires a man who just does it quick and easy. He creates his own jump scares that fail, he delivers some goofy imagery, and he completely remakes all of the best moments from the original film and nothing else. Meanwhile the entire cast of twenty something’s playing high schoolers are absolutely lethargic, especially Rooney Mara who is without a doubt one of the worst actresses in Hollywood. Until we see otherwise, our summary of her skills remains. She’s awful. “Nightmare” had potential to be brilliant as a remake, but instead it just cast Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach with Krueger make-up, staged some terribly dull dream sequences with zero imagination and ended the film on a question mark. As of now the welfare of the sequel is still up in the air, but we hope someone can bring something fantastic to the sequel if we have to have one. Freddy Krueger can be a fascinating character, it’s a shame Platinum Dunes just turned him in to a stock listless boogey man. Damn you Platinum Dunes.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
Repeat… unnecessary cruelty to Asians. Cut it out.
1. Cop Out
Directed by: Kevin Smith
Written by: Robert Cullen, Mark Cullen
Starring: Bruce Willis, Tracy Morgan, Kevin Pollak
Warner Bros. Pictures
An absolute embarrassment from head to toe, “Cop Out” reduced Kevin Smith to tapping the horror genre and the salivating horror geeks to backpedal on the failure that was one of his first mainstream outings that guaranteed to peg him as a mainstream film director. The intent toward this film is still foggy. Everyone from the studios, to the writers, to Smith have given excuses why the film was such a bust, but neither can escape the fact that it was the worst movie of 2010 by far. An absolute mess of an action film, and a comedy. Director Smith has no idea how to compose a tight and exciting action film and instead must forgo the entire film without relying on his normal crutch for laughs that usually include self-congratulatory jabs at his friends, Star Wars references, and two stoners who stand in front of stores spouting one-liners. Smith is forced to just be creative for once, and completely bombs out with a sheer grotesque action comedy that reduces Bruce Willis to making a fool out of himself, while he forces the typically funny Tracy Morgan in to being a bumbling token sidekick who gets in to all sorts of trouble and is made to look the fool.
Smith does manage to squeeze in an awkward forced walk on role from friend Jason Lee (last seen voicing a cartoon dog), but wastes talent like Michelle Trachtenberg, and Rashida Jones in a hail of uninspired action sequences, and poorly written comedy between two actors who seem as if they barely want to be on-screen, let alone convince us they’re best friends and longtime partners. “Cop Out” was a massive critical failure and commercial failure and caused all of director Smith’s friends and fans to rush to his defense and try to convince America that “Cop Out” really wasn’t a bad movie. But we knew better. Since the release of his mainstream flop, Smith has begun a major campaign in trying to work this lemon out of the consciousness of the movie-going public, by re-inventing himself as a gritty horror director, creating his first horror film based around the easy pickings of the Westboro Baptist Church, and even used the marketing as a way of helping a charity by craftily charging his fans to see posters and news about what will likely be a terrible horror film his fanbase will convince themselves is a masterpiece. Meanwhile he’s slowly begging us to forget that his launch in to the mainstream ended in to a giant shameful crater. But history will decide that for him.
Why We’ll Never See This Again
Is it sad we’d rather watch the “Rush Hour” trilogy over this?
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS: The Tortured, Piranha 3D, Case 39, Legion, Salt
MOVIES THAT PROBABLY WOULD HAVE MADE THE CUT, BUT DIDN’T, BECAUSE… WELL, WE JUST DON’T WANT TO SEE THEM (UNLESS OBLIGATED TO) OR DIDN’T BOTHER TO SEEK THEM OUT:
The Last Song, Dear John, Remember Me, The Back Up Plan, Marmaduke, Yogi Bear, Grown Ups, Bounty Hunter, Lottery Ticket, Life as We Know It, Gulliver’s Travels, Little Fockers, Takers
THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR is… “Kick-Ass”
We were going to include “Iron Man 2” in this category alongside Kick-Ass, but when we thought about it, Iron Man 2 was a good film even if it didn’t meet our expectations. Deep down it was just an Avengers prequel, and for that it didn’t earn a spot on the top ten, but it also wasn’t the disappointment of the year. “Kick Ass” deserves the crown for the category primarily because it was a let down, absolutely silly, and was quite terrible for three quarters of its runtime. Matthew Vaughn’s adaptation of the comic series is a film with its wires crossed. It’s never sure if it wants to be an anti-superhero movie, or a superhero movie. It’s never sure if it wants to be realistic, or silly. It’s never sure if it wants to chastise the people for dressing like superheroes, or praise them for becoming heroes. Nevertheless, with the exception of the finale in the tower, “Kick Ass” was a bust, and pretty damn terrible. It came very close to an inclusion in the Worst 10 list.