Want to hear something funny? As I was sitting here, getting ready to write this review, I only just this very second realized that “Black Christmas” is a play on words. Specifically, it twists around the cheerful upbeat title of the 1954 movie White Christmas starring Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye. In my usual clueless chimpanzee-like way I had never made this connection even though I must have seen the original Black Christmas thirty times in the last thirty-five years. Anyway, that’s my way of introducing today’s movie. Which is not the original, but instead the 2006 remake starring Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Oliver Hudson, Lacey Chabert, Kristen Cloke, and Andrea Martin. It was directed by Glen Morgan, who was a brilliant writer on The X-Files and a not so brilliant writer on the most recent incarnation of The Twilight Zone.
Quick Recap! When COVID shut down everything in early 2020, I started an online bad movie night get-together with some friends that we eventually dubbed “Bad Movie Monday”. The premise was simple: We’d torture each other every Monday with the worst trash we could find, tell a few jokes, cheer each other up, and in the process maybe discover some weird obscure cinema that we might never have seen any other way. This series of reviews will feature highlights of those night so you can all share in the fun and maybe get some ideas for your own movie night.
One thing that stood out for me was how the remake had absolutely zero social commentary, or themes, or any ideas at all to be honest. In a weird way, it was almost refreshing to see a horror movie have the balls to just be a mindless stripped down bare bones thriller. That said, it left me feeling sort of empty. The original film offered an interesting and nuanced story that had frank and honest things to say about misogyny. It was a smart movie that treated the audience like adults AND also happened to be scary. That’s why people remembered it. I don’t think a lot of people will remember the remake, except out of nostalgia. It is simple to the point of stupidity.
In fact, Black Christmas 2006 is so simple that at one point it seems to be setting itself up for a twist ending, but then just kind of doesn’t. About halfway through the movie we find out that the killer, Billy, has a sister. The film goes to great lengths to mention she’d be about the same age as the sorority girls. So my first thought when learning this was “Ohhhhhhhh… one of the main characters is secretly Billy’s sister and she’s helping him murder the others.” The film even sets up that she has a glass eye, and I figured that this is how it’d be revealed who she was. Except… nope. There’s no mystery about her identity. She, much like Billy, escaped an insane asylum that she’d been locked up in most of her life and now they’re both killing the girls at the Sorority House because the building is their childhood home. In fact, you openly see her running around as soon as the movie mentions her existence.
This felt like such an obvious twist that I was legitimately surprised and disappointed that it wasn’t. I know I shouldn’t, because you shouldn’t judge a movie by what you want it to be. At the same time though, this shit writes itself. In fact, some of the sorority girls even act strangely and/or are conveniently missing during the murders. So it really does feel like this was the original intent. What happened??? Glen Morgan is famous for writing clever twists on old formulas in pretty much everything else he’s done. Yet this movie is such a humdrum by-the-numbers slasher.
Well, never mind that. Let’s read the synopsis on the back of the DVD.
THE HORROR CLASSIC BLACK CHRISTMAS, which spawned a wave of slasher films, is re-imagined for a new generation of fans in this terrifying remake. A group of sorority sisters, snowed in over the holiday break, tries desperately to survive the night as a relentless killer terrorizes and murders them, one by one. Featuring an old-school slasher story, the modern horror touch of director Glen Morgan (writer/producer, Final Destination) and a cast of today’s hottest stars, including Michelle Trachtenberg (Eurotrip), Lacey Chabert (Mean Girls), Katie Cassidy (When a Stranger Calls), and Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Grindhouse). Black Christmas is a thrilling, blood-soaked screamfest.
Looking at the back of the box I can see that the film has three alternate endings included in the extras. However, none of these endings are about Billy’s sister being one of the sorority girls. They’re all just mildly different versions of the ending we already got. So, I’m still confused.
Alright, I’ll stop obsessing about the ending that I wanted. Let’s instead do something fun, my favorite part of the review, where I list ten thoughts I had during the movie!
#1 – God, I so miss the days when horror movies were shot in crisp vivid distinct colors like this one. Recent horror looks like it has a “Baboon’s Ass Blue” or “Diarrhea Green” filter over everything and it drives me crazy.
#2 – I did like the early scenes in the asylum. They were, somewhat, clever. Sadly, they were also the ONLY thing clever in the movie.
#3 – This movie has a ridiculous amount of backstory about the killer. To the point where it’s almost like they really hated the original and all that gosh darned interesting mystery it built up.
#4 – Andrea Martin, I love you. It’s nice the filmmakers included you in the remake since you were in the original, as a different character of course. Although it would have been nicer if they’d given you something to do.
#5 – The filmmakers probably thought it was very clever to have the murder all happen during the same night during a snow storm. However, um, if given a choice between getting your eyes gouged out or having to walk in the cold I think most people would choose to be cold. I mean the Sorority House is right in the suburbs. You can SEE the neighbours like maybe fifty feet away. Just wear a sweater when you go out.
#6 – Okay, I get that the film thinks the idea of someone hiding under the floorboards or in the air ducts is utterly terrifying, and it kind of is, but if you don’t have supernatural abilities you’re not going to fit in there. So it comes off as just weird, not scary.
#7 – Wow, the film just killed off its cast of today’s hottest stars. Ballsy.
#8 – This film’s complete lack of social commentary makes me miss the far more nuanced original, but at the same time I’m also glad it isn’t the 2019 one which (from what I’ve read) is ALL social commentary. Clumsy one at that. I mean, there exists such a thing as subtlety and movies made in the last twenty years tend to be real bad at it.
#9 – The one memorable image from this film is basically ripped off from the original.
#10 – No twist ending, and no set up for a sequel. Has Glen Morgan ever seen a slasher movie before? I’m not harping on the man, I’m just sort of curious. I didn’t expect him to re-invent the wheel, but it would have been nice if he tried to surprise me in some small way.
Black Christmas 2006, if you care to watch it, is available on TUBI for free. I think it’s worth a look. It’s not great, but it’s dumb fun if you’re in the mood for a Christmas themed horror movie and you’ve seen everything else.