Neal Bailey's Worst 5 Movies of All Time

Posted on January 1, 2003 by Guest Contributor

5. Das Boot
Whether it’s the enthralling scene of the men being inspected buck naked for pubic lice, the constant phallic up and down of the sub, or the fact that the movie takes forever to get nowhere, this movie is one of my most reviled experiences. I tried to watch it no less than four times before becoming so frustrated with its banality that I returned it the day I rented it so as not to be in the same room as its crapiness.

4. Dogville
This is a nice one. I just reviewed it, actually. A four hour film about how all poor people in small towns will turn to evil, and then deserve what they get when the mafia machine guns their babies and sets the town on fire. To boot, there’s a lot of nasty rape, a cliché theater device that doesn’t work well, and an ending montage that’s so out of place I still don’t get.

3. Batman and Robin
The governator, in blue make-up, screaming, “GET THE HEROES” He also advises his associates to put them on ice. Bane, one of Batman’s most complex villains, is turned into the nuclear man. Cod pieces. Good God, cod pieces. And a Batgirl that not only looks and acts illiterate, but makes Alfred cute. Kill me if I ever watch it again.

2. Chicago
As if there isn’t enough male hate in this world, let’s make a musical that glorifies the fact that not only is it okay to kill a man if he cheats on you, but after you do, the way to get off the charge is to become as cute and adored by everyone as you can, ergo becoming an attention whore. Mr. Cellophane is a great song, but not because it’s elegant, but because it points out the critical errors of the mains. Did I also mention that this story has a song that makes it seem sexy when lawyers dance around the truth? How can I identify with any of these worthless goons?

1. Buffalo 66
This movie made me want to vomit, it sucked so hard. The first half is Christina Ricci meeting a criminal and the quest for her to get to the bathroom, the rest of the story is how it’s okay to love someone who’s a complete and utter dick. The director, when you listen to him speak, is like swallowing glass, if you ever hear him in public. The arrogant artist in repose, if you will. Watch out for this one.

Cinema Crazed's Top 10 Worst Films of All Time

Posted on January 5, 2001 by Felix Vasquez

10. Batman and Robin
(1997)
Directed by: Joel Schumacher
Not even the Filipino and Turkish rip off s of Batman are as bad as this abomination that embraces Batman more than the previous films, but in exchange, rounds out a diasterpiece that’s unwatchable, embarrassing, and ruined the careers of nineties up and comers Chris O’Donnell and Alicia Silverstone. Only because of his connections and willingness to carve out relevant and excellent films was George Clooney able to come out of this unwatchable farce with barely a scratch. Now wholly diving in to homoerotic imagery and the like, Batman and Robin are a bickering couple of crime fighters who want to struggle for power and fame among Gotham’s citizens.

They run around in bright costumes, fighting other glittery thugs, and even have skates on their boots. What’s missing is a make out scene between Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne. To cut the inherent sexual tension between the two men, the film brings aboard two feminine personalities in the form of Batgirl and Poison Ivy, both of whom have little to do but entice the dynamic duo. “Batman and Robin” is a low in cinema and comic book adaptations that tests my endurance every time I try to sit down and watch it the entire way through.

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Felix Vasquez’s Top 10 Horror Movies of All Time

Posted on January 1, 2001 by Felix Vasquez

10. The Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)
Directed by: Jack Arnold
The creature is a misunderstood fella; and mostly is considered as the lesser known and all around lesser creature from the Universal monster family because his movies were released later in the monster movie days. However, this film stands as my all-time favorite of the Universal monster series. An archaeological team is informed of a discovery on an island of a fossilized hand from a prehistoric creature. Intrigued, an assembled team of explorers journey to the island to research the hand but arrive to find the village of previous diggers brutally slaughtered by a mysterious animal. What they’ll soon learn is that the creature they’re learning of that was long believed to be dead is alive and living within the lagoons of the island. It soon begins wreaking terror on the crew, and falls in love with the lead explorer’s girlfriend (Julie Adams). I fell in love with this movie when I was a child simply because of the sheer entertainment this movie provides. I love how director Arnold doesn’t show much of the creature until the middle of the film where we’re really surprised to see his appearance as he carries off actress Julie Adams into the water. The monster is purely creepy and very cool, and the entire movie is creepy fun. It was later followed by two sequels which were just as good.

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Cinema Crazed's Top 10 Comedies of All Time

Posted on January 1, 2001 by Felix Vasquez

10. Animal House
This is the man’s comedy film. Every man I’ve ever come across do not not like this film. Landis is at it yet again this time with a timeless comedy film about campus frolics that inspired rip-off after rip-off, after constant rip-off and it was a twisted legacy of films that could never top the original article. This is a timeless film despite it’s time period, and I could care less what anyone says, this film is timeless. John Belushi steals the movie as Hoover, the slob but popular frat boy, and there are people like Tim Matheson and Kevin Bacon who make the film. This is basically filled with some of the best gags that will make you roll in your seat. There’s just so much for any respectable comedy fan to eat up here that it became an instant favorite of mine.

9. Duck Soup
I had to choose, good and hard, about which Marx brothers film I wanted on this spot, Animal Crackers or Duck Soup? I think I made the right choice. While Animal Crackers is pure genius, Duck Soup has the slight razor’s edge over it. In this Groucho Marx plays Capt. Spaulding and is hired to run Freedonia, a small nation, but with him running it, and Harpo and Chico attempting to assassinate him, only bad can happen. This has some of the best work from the Marx brothers from Chico and Harpo driving the juice vendor out of his mind, to Spaulding holding a meeting of the council. There’s just too much to mention. When it comes to comedy, there’s no one better than the Marx Brothers, that’s all there is to it.

8. Horse Feathers
If it were up to me, I’d have put all four Marx Brothers films on the top ten countdown, but alas, Mel Brooks and the Brothers had to be on here somewhere as well as the others. With comedy it’s tough to find your favorite, so I put my two favorite and maybe somewhere down the line the other two will pop up. Regardless, this is the first Marx Brothers film I ever saw, so this is definitely on the list because it was a grand introduction to these geniuses. Groucho takes over a college as a professor while a big football game is on the way and they’re attempting to win without the interference of the mob who want to rig it. This is one of the funniest of their films with great musical numbers, hilarious gags, and features a supporting performance from the gorgeous Thelma Todd who holds her own against Groucho. This is guaranteed filled with laughs.

7. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Again, this is my introduction in to the brilliant comedy team known as Monty Python, which is why it’s one of my favorites. Not following the conventions of usual comedies, this off the wall and incredibly weird comedy ranks as one of their masterpieces and a truly beloved comedy by fans alike. From the knights who say Ni, to the questioning of the validity of the crusades and witch hunts, to the bridge keeper, this is just one of the funniest films ever made, and a true masterpiece. I happened upon this by recommendation by my uncle who’s a fan and I never looked back. If you’re a fan of Python, comedy, and just originality, check this out, it will be a guiltless ride of comedy and mayhem.

6. A Shot in the Dark
If I was to make a list, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I’d excluded a film by the great Peter Sellers, a film that has yet to be topped, even with the crappy remake on its way. Sellers made Inspector Clouseau, the bumbling detective who took it upon himself to solve these cases in his own bumbling way. Sellers is priceless in a film that makes me laugh so hard I start crying, and for a film to do that, it must be good. Sellers plays Clouseau with much acclaim, this time solving (I use the term loosely) a murder of the Gambrelli Family and romances the beautiful daughter while trying to investigate. Whether it be Clouseau’s constant tussles with his man servant Kato, Clouseau’s failed attempts at going undercover, and trying to keep up with his sidekick, Sellers is at the top of his game here and will leave anyone with a sense of humor in stitches. This is pure comedy.

5. Abbot and Costello Meet Frankenstein
Yet another childhood favorite. “Abbot and Costello” is a mixture of horror and comedy, two of my favorite things, along with some of the funniest performances I’ve ever seen. The real treat here is that, the monsters never do comedy, yet they leave it all up to Abbot and Costello, or Chick and Wilbur. Chick and Wilbur are unionized dock workers who have to deliver artifacts from famous monsters, little do they know Dracula is planning to re-awaken the monster. We get the primo big guns come back for the film from Lon Chaney jr., Bela Lugosi, and Glenn Strange, the gang’s all here and they make for some of the funniest on-screen antics I’ve seen. What’s not to like here? Wilbur masquerading as Dracula to draw off Frankenstein, Wilbur reading a paper about Dracula as his coffin begins opening, there’s just too much funny gags that will leave you bawling. It’s their best. For a similar experience, watch “Hold That Ghost”.

4. Young Frankenstein
This was surely a very very strong contender for number one out of many others. When I was a child, I first saw this thinking it was a horror film despite my mom explaining that this was indeed a comedy, and I’m sitting there for two hours furrowing my brows thinking “This is not horror! This is funny!” Later on I learned to appreciate it more and it’s one of my favorites, and arguably Mel Brooks’ best. It’s one of my childhood favorites. What makes this comedy a comedy is because it’s played entirely straight, aside from Marty Feldman who is goofy, but the entire film from Cloris Leachman, Teri Garr, and Gene Wilder, the film plays like old Frankenstein, but man, it’s in the deadpan that make it funny. From Abby Normal, to Wilder’s dead on reactions to the lunacy, changing his name to distance himself from his great grandfather, to the inevitable show tune performance that is so funny you’ll cry. This is classic, no doubt about it.

3. Kentucky Fried Movie
From John Landis comes the funniest sickest skit comedy film you’ll ever see. Raunchy, offensive, edgy, and extremely sexually explicit, there’s no other like the “Kentucky Fried Movie”, a film ripped off rather horribly in the later “Amazon Women on the Moon”, but there is only one and this is it. The director takes control and you just sit back and watch while we drift from channel to channel watching sick commercials for hilarious and fake products, dysfunctional talk shows, and, my favorite, when a man goes to the movies to experience “Feel-O-Vision”! The film then constantly drifts back and forth with skits and fake shows, and then finally settles on a spoof of Bruce Lee called “Fist Full of Yen”. I can’t say anymore, just watch it for yourself. If you love dirty dirty humor that’s so wrong, but so funny. Watch this. Please. I beg you.

2. Airplane!
I sat, in front of my computer, for twenty minutes deciding on whether this or Blazing Saddles should be number one, and “Airplane!” is not exactly number two, think of it as 1.5. This is quite possibly one of the funniest films of all time. A spoof of the disaster genre of the seventies, it features a cast of immensely talented character actors, including Leslie Nielsen who is killer. Plus we get to see people whom we never thought would do comedy, do comedy, and do it great. From Peter Graves, and Kareem Abdul Jabar, to Robert Stack and Lloyd Bridges, this is a veritable mixed bag of comedy. The film has non-stop gags that are so rapid fire, you don’t dare to laugh, or else you may miss something. From the jive talking old woman, to the established couple whom are children, to Kareem Abdul Jabar being hounded by Joey for being a crappy player, right down to Peter Graves asking Joey the most random and inappropriate questions to begin a conversation. I’ve only hit the tip of the iceberg. Find out for yourself.

1. Blazing Saddles
It’s no surprise to any self-respecting fan of comedy that a Mel Brooks film would be on my top ten comedies of all time, and holding tightly at number one, and it’s no surprise to me it’s “Blazing Saddles” the rare comedy western that tops ’em all in my book. With my top five, it was possibly the hardest of decisions I’ve had to make in a while, especially considering the fact that choosing my favorite comedy is like choosing between my children. Essentially, I found my favorite child ended up being “Blazing Saddles”, one of Mel Brooks’ best. It’s hard to decide on why I love this film considering there are so many hilarious moments here, and a lot of extremely edgy moments that border on offensive. Whether it’s the slavery jokes, Madeline Khan, and the fact that they purposely hire a black man to get killed as sheriff in a town run by corrupt politicians, but this is the funniest film I’ve ever seen. Without a doubt. If only I owned the DVD.

Neal Bailey’s Top 10 Films of all time

Posted on February 15, 2000 by Felix Vasquez

10. HIGH FIDELITY (2000) (Starring: John Cusack, Jack Black) – I don’t like romantic comedies, I really don’t, but this movie was a romantic comedy told from the honest and thus sexual perspective of an adult man, trying to decide whether to give up on a girl or try to win her back. It’s also the story of a niche geek, which I am, struggling to decide whether to keep his hobby even though it makes him an outcast, or come to terms with it and profit from it. I generally don’t like Cusack, but here, he turns in a banner performance, and if you’ll recall, this is the first place that Jack Black really started shining on…good stuff.

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