Category Archives: List Junkies

Our Suggestions for the Academy

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No matter how much clout the Oscars may have in Hollywood, there are people, even the high brow movie snobs, who declared the Oscars as a self-congratulatory pat on the shoulder which relishes in showing off designer clothing.

The Academy, in response, has been looking for ways to appeal to other film fans, mostly by pandering to them through the ceremony, and nothing seems to be working. Even with their best attempts, they just can’t seem to get high ratings they want. Every year, the Oscars experiences a low score in the ratings, but ABC doesn’t seem to care because the advertising rates are through the roof, and money rolls in. So, you want to know how and why the Oscars get no ratings? Well, we have some suggestions for you.

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The Top Ten Sexiest Actresses Over 35

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These days, if you’re over thirty, you’re considered obsolete, but I, I have a real taste for the older women. Since there’s ageism running rampant in Hollywood, I thought instead of just a list of hotties, I’d list the top ten hottest women in Hollywood over thirty-five. Not to single them out as over the hill, but to show that older women are indeed hottest. And, these gorgeous women prove you can have looks and talent at the same time. Funny thing is, which further proves my point, while I had a lot of fun making it, this list was hard to compile. It’s tough finding great actresses whom also look really good that aren’t in  their early twenties and thin as a beanpole. Not that these gorgeous women are fat. The criteria for my choosing of these women are their talent overall, their class, and their utter sex appeal which is basically the purpose of this list. And on to the list:

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Retire These F*cking Songs, Already!

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Now for the record, I love trailers. Some are good and some are bad and usually they’re just slapped together sloppily to promote the movie. But the best trailers are the ones that don’t give the movie away. “The Exorcist”, “Night of the Living Dead”, “Psycho”, those are trailers that didn’t give the movies away, and the most essential part of a trailer like the movie is the music. Compiled is a list of songs I’m begging Hollywood to retire from movie trailers that decrease the value of the movie and ruin the experience. Let me tell you what triggered my meltdown. I was at home watching “Cinenews,” a program I watch to keep up with upcoming movies. It’s a great show, and at the end of the program they feature a trailer for a movie coming soon. Up comes the trailer for “Monster-in-Law” and during the trailer on comes a commonly used song and something just snapped. These songs need to be retired for the love of humanity, I mean I’m not saying these songs suck, as a matter of fact, some of the songs I’m about to list, I love–but god retire them before they start sucking! Does modern music suck so bad they just have to keep re-using this stuff again and again?!

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Directors Ruining Hollywood

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As a movie lover and one time wannabe filmmaker, I’m a picky person, and as a person who appreciates the fine are of filmmaking or what was once known as filmmaking, it’s very hard to find a good director these days in this cultural wasteland and utterly creatively challenged industry, but among the rare good visionary directors, there are plenty of bad directors whom are basically ruining the art of filmmaking under their siege. Here are a list of directors that are tarnishing filmmaking.

With this article, I ask to them, stop. Stop what you’re doing and go away.

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Neal Bailey's Worst 5 Movies of All Time

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5. Das Boot
Whether it’s the enthralling scene of the men being inspected buck naked for pubic lice, the constant phallic up and down of the sub, or the fact that the movie takes forever to get nowhere, this movie is one of my most reviled experiences. I tried to watch it no less than four times before becoming so frustrated with its banality that I returned it the day I rented it so as not to be in the same room as its crapiness.

4. Dogville
This is a nice one. I just reviewed it, actually. A four hour film about how all poor people in small towns will turn to evil, and then deserve what they get when the mafia machine guns their babies and sets the town on fire. To boot, there’s a lot of nasty rape, a cliché theater device that doesn’t work well, and an ending montage that’s so out of place I still don’t get.

3. Batman and Robin
The governator, in blue make-up, screaming, “GET THE HEROES” He also advises his associates to put them on ice. Bane, one of Batman’s most complex villains, is turned into the nuclear man. Cod pieces. Good God, cod pieces. And a Batgirl that not only looks and acts illiterate, but makes Alfred cute. Kill me if I ever watch it again.

2. Chicago
As if there isn’t enough male hate in this world, let’s make a musical that glorifies the fact that not only is it okay to kill a man if he cheats on you, but after you do, the way to get off the charge is to become as cute and adored by everyone as you can, ergo becoming an attention whore. Mr. Cellophane is a great song, but not because it’s elegant, but because it points out the critical errors of the mains. Did I also mention that this story has a song that makes it seem sexy when lawyers dance around the truth? How can I identify with any of these worthless goons?

1. Buffalo 66
This movie made me want to vomit, it sucked so hard. The first half is Christina Ricci meeting a criminal and the quest for her to get to the bathroom, the rest of the story is how it’s okay to love someone who’s a complete and utter dick. The director, when you listen to him speak, is like swallowing glass, if you ever hear him in public. The arrogant artist in repose, if you will. Watch out for this one.