Masters of Horror: Imprint

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What—you thought I wouldn’t review this episode? You fool. Showtime, or as I like to call it, HBO-lite created the “Masters of Horror” series more as a Halloween novelty and then in to a full on series. They then invited horror veterans to throw in their own tales in the proverbial cap and really garner ratings and acclaim. And then they took on Takashe Miike. And then they banned his creation. The equivalent of this being that I ask an artist to draw the most disturbing picture he can, and then when he does, I scream “Whoa! Too disturbing!” And then I tear it up. My question is: How can you give an arsonist a match and then not expect him to burn down a whole city? How can you let Takashe Miike direct something for you and then get angry when he actually directs?! Did anyone at Showtime even know who he was?

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Maria Full of Grace (2003)

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maria-full-of-graceYou may not think to look at it, but “Maria Full of Grace” is quite possibly one of the tenset films made in years. Mostly centered on suspense and agonizing tension, “Maria” is a film about the drug trafficking world, the world where desperate people are duped in to becoming mules for Colombian drug lords. Catalina Sandino Moreno gives an excellent performance as the spoiled and head strong Maria who basically lives the mundane life of a teenager in Colombia. Marston’s film about the experience of not only people seeking a better life in what they perceive as a Utopia, but also of drug mules.

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Bewitched (2005)

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2012febbewitchedpostersNicole Kidman’s career has become a constant bipolar example of choices in film that really should be examined. Kidman can pull in a rousing performance in one film, and then oddly appear in a really bad film the next. She can go from brutally sexy Ingrid Bergman, to numb skulled Lindsay Lohan in mere minutes. And that’s why she’s become a gamble in Hollywood. And Will Ferrell is no saint, either. I’ve never seen two people so devoted to doing damage to their careers before. Are they talented? Sure, but stupid choices deteriorate a great career. Would it have been so bad to remake “Bewitched” directly? I ask you. I mean, a remake at all was incredibly questionable and unnecessary, but that’s just moot. No, a direct remake would be too obvious. Let’s do a satire on Hollywood. No one has ever done that before! Right…?

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When a Stranger Calls (2006)

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wasc-043Do you know how your little brother or cousin would always pop out from a corner with a mask and yell “boo!” and then you’d be scared. And then amused, he’d continue doing so. Again, and again, and again, until you started to get angry. But he continued doing it until you tore the mask off and kicked him in the nuts? Well, that’s what my experience was like with Simon West’s remake of “When a Stranger Calls”. Now, I haven’t seen the original film just yet, but I imagine it won’t make me want to kick the director in the nuts. Imagine this: I took a camera and filmed myself around the house. You would see me drinking water, taking a dump, cleaning my ears, walking around the hallway… I know you’re saying “That’s stupid, I’d never see that”. Well, then you may want to stay away from this.

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Spitting Bullets with Director Alex Ferrari

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Fuck off Michael Bay, there’s someone better in town who has the potential to be an in-demand director, and his name is Alex Ferrari. I was first introduced to Alex when Cinema Crazed was in the early stages of accepting screeners for independent filmmakers. Alex sent along “Broken,” and we were interested to see what he had in store for us. And much to our surprise, “Broken” was absolutely great. Ferrari went onto acclaim for “Broken,” a film about a young girl kidnapped by a small group of hit men who assure her she’s not who she thinks she is. Later, Ferrari went on to send more of his features to us, and we were hooked. “Cyn” only proved that Ferrari has the bonafide chops to display good old fashioned film entertainment, without any of the clichés, and sheer idiocy big budget directors often drop into.

Ferrari directs films that look shockingly high budget, even though most of his films only have a budget of a little over a thousand bucks, and is one of the many indie directors providing a slow and steady revival of the Grind House genre, and he’s not stopping at mere low budget action fare. The man has big plans, and he’s getting there and bringing his fan base with him.

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Christmas with the Kranks (2004)

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Krank-christmas

I used to say that I’ve yet to see a film with Tim Allen that I found to be really bad. And somehow he rises to the occasion and stars in this. I should have kept my creed to myself. I got a big mouth. Either way, if you haven’t caught on by now, “Christmas with the Kranks” is yet another really shitty “holiday” film that’s a mere vehicle that delights in being idiotic, moronic, and shamelessly flaunts its inherent lapses in logic peppered throughout the story.

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Amateur Porn Star Killer (2005)

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gzj00KlIn the opening of “Amateur Porn Star Killer”, the character Brandon travels around the dark streets looking and searching. For what? Well, it’s not that difficult to figure out. Upon his searching, in the lower right hand corner, in a small window box, a young blonde girl silently undresses and parades herself around. By this simple scene of our killer driving through the murky streets, and this young woman, we’re able to fully comprehend the extent of this man’s lunacy. The flesh is something many men crave. And the flesh is something many men would admittedly kill for.

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