Zombies vs. Strippers (2012)

So what do we learn from Zombies vs. Strippers? Zombies who moan “brains!” aren’t specifically limited to eating brains, strippers crave anal sex even during a zombie raid, cameramen will stay focused on a TV host even if they’re being mauled by the walking dead, watching someone eating someone else’s fingers doesn’t set off alarms that something is wrong with them, pole dancing is actually a hidden form of martial arts, cops are nowhere to be found in the city, zombies will pounce on extras but slowly creep up on principle cast members of a movie, strip clubs only play songs without lyrics, strip clubs only employ four strippers at a time, and when you’re bitten in the butt you won’t notice until much later on. All things considered “Zombies vs. Strippers” is a pretty crummy movie.

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American Scary (2006)

One of the many classic devices of American television much of today’s youth will never get a chance to experience is the horror host. Though there are many talented performers keeping the tradition alive, we don’t have a glut of horror hosts as we once had. And it’s a shame because horror movies are ultimately an experience, and the horror host is the persona that keeps us watching and makes the viewing experience worthwhile in the end. “American Scary” is a brilliant and utterly fantastic tribute to the age of horror hosts, and really excels at informing audiences of a once American facet of television that no longer exists.

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Day of the Dead (1985)

dotd3So the zombie apocalypse came and went and guess what? We lost. Miserably. After the world has been consumed by the cannibalistic walking dead by the hordes, there are really only a few dozen living humans on the planet. And they’re struggling to maintain the lingering shreds of sanity they still possess. Once upon a time, a long time ago, “Day of the Dead” was considered the lesser of the Dead trilogy from director George A. Romero, and it’s quite shocking considering “Day of the Dead” is a masterpiece. In fact it’s every bit as good as its predecessors “Night” and “Dawn” with just as much thought provoking material as the former titles.

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Dark House (2009)

darkhouse5I’m not going to pretend “Dark House” is an original horror outing. As a film it’s basically a pastiche of “The Haunting,” “House on Haunted Hill,” and “Thirteen Ghosts” with a skosh of “Haute Tension” for good measure. But in spite of the inherent derivations, I couldn’t help but have a damn good time sitting through “Dark House.” It’s deep down a very light on logic party horror film that you can sit through with friends and never be bored with. Even when it’s attempting to exposit the characters back stories, it really is at warp speed so that it can get to the bloodshed and gore. Thankfully I didn’t have much of a problem with that.

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Full Moon's Grindhouse Collection: Filmgore (DVD)

filmgore“FilmGore” is one of the many horror compilations grindhouse fans will get a kick out of, as it’s not only a compilation of the some of the most famous and obscure horror films of all time, but the presentation as a whole cuts through the droning dialogue and just zeroes in on the blood and grue. Basically it’s all one big cut together clip show from horror geeks and it shows. Dixon’s writing paired with the essence of Ackerman provides the film with a sense of charisma, in spite of the film basically being one big excuse to show off clips without much of a structure.

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Not Another B Movie (2010)

notanotherbmovie-03Say, do you want to know what it takes to make a horror movie on a low budget? Do you want to know what trials a filmmaker and screenwriter go through to make a film and appease their stars? Do you want to know how hard it is to deal with executives and producers? After watching “Not Another B Movie,” I realized that no. I didn’t. And you know what? I didn’t care. The film is basically centered on a screenwriter who is meeting at a restaurant with some producers about his movie script and he basically spends the entirety of the movie imagining scenes from the horror movie, as well we recalling his experiences with snobby actors, and psychotic performers. There are also badly conducted audition scenes where the film gets to squeeze in some cameos for the audience, and nothing about the film is every really as entertaining or exciting as the filmmakers perceive it to be.

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Our Fucking Thoughts on Holliston

There seems to be a lot of penis envy when it comes to the success of “The Big Bang Theory.” If you’re not a fan you’re either someone who hates the show outright for being a success, or you’re someone who thinks you can do a better geek show. “Holliston” is the latter part of the aforementioned sentence. “Holliston” is essentially “The Big Bang Theory” but with horror fans instead of fan boys and geeks. It seems Adam Green is one of the many individuals who think they know what the perception of a fan boy is better than the people behind the hit show “The Big Bang Theory,” thus we have this series.

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