Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies (2012)

“Emancipate this!”

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself. And of course, flesh eating Confederate zombies. Those things are always a bugger on countries and whatnot. Those dang confederate zombies. After a prologue showing young Mr. Lincoln beheading his undead father with an axe, he soon discovers years in to his presidency that Confederate soldiers are rising from their graves and are spreading along the country to wreak havoc on the living. Abraham Lincoln takes it upon himself to lead the charge and stop the siege of the undead with a secret mission, and soon must fight for his life against hordes of the walking dead, alongside his brethren of pistol shooting suited men. “Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies” is basically “Night of the Living Dead” but with a very twisted historical context. Instead of a farm house there’s a military fort, and instead of a group of survivors, there’s Abe Lincoln, a young Teddy Roosevelt, and a bunch of other characters that double for cannon fodder for the zombies.

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Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (2012)

Though I never actually had the opportunity to read Seth Grahame-Smith’s original novel, director Timur Bekmambetov’s treatment of the revisionist novel is one of the more interesting horror movies I’ve ever seen. Not only does the film skirt the edges of camp, but it accomplishes the wonderful sense of surrealism and whimsy that Bekmambetov’s “Night Watch” films held so proudly. “Vampire Hunter” carries with it a lot of prospects for future installments, and it’s a very clever and often exciting bit of action horror that delivers on exactly what its title promises. There is Abraham Lincoln, and he does indeed stalk and hunt vampires for a great portion of the film.

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Deadly Friend (1986)

One of the many movies I first saw when I was a kid that didn’t really cater to the Disney movie standards enforced on me by my parents, that incidentally enough helped nurture my love for movies, was Wes Craven’s 1986 horror romance “Deadly Friend.” For those completely unaware, “Deadly Friend” one of the least notable Wes Craven horror pictures even if it’s his most creative after “Nightmare on Elm Street.” Merging a science fiction killer robot concept with a revenge plot, director Craven tells the story of a young genius who moves to a new town to work on a project at the local college. You see this young man has a thorough understanding of the brain, and is destined for great things. Which is made apparent by his robotic sidekick BB.

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The Devil’s Carnival (2012)

Ticket-Keeper: A rebel in hell–how original.

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Apparently Darren Lynn Bousman’s “Repo! The Genetic Opera” has not only become a massive cult classic, but it’s rising to the status of “Rocky Horror Picture Show” where fans swarm in droves to pay homage to the punk rock horror musical engineered by the director. While its initial release was piss poor, that never means it’s the death of an actual film. Quality always rises above horrible marketing and advertising. While “Repo!” was an entertaining enough horror treat, director Darren Lynn Bousman follows up his hit musical with a quasi-sequel of a sorts. While it’s not a direct continuation of “Repo!” it definitely garners the spirit of the former film, and even casts some actors from “Repo!” including Paul Sorvino, Bill Mosely, and Alex Vega in an especially saucy role as the demonic Wick.

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Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)

From what I’ve read, Dimension has the right to Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser” property and wants to remake the film series. But the ever troubled production has reached the point where the rights have run out. To keep the rights, Dimension basically rushed out a cheap shoddy sequel to the original “Hellraiser” series. This is a movie so horribly made and poorly constructed that the iconic Doug Bradley opted out of his star making role as the horrific Pinhead, due to his salary being chopped down from the low budget film. In his place is Stephan Smith Collins a poor bastard who has to live up to Bradley’s gravitas as Pinhead in every conceivable way and wages a losing battle from the very beginning.

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You Have to See This! Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

2012 saw the remake of “Who Can Kill a Child?” hit many movie festivals under the new title “Come Out and Play.” And while that movie has been, from what I’ve seen, met with mixed reviews on a mostly negative arena (one worst of 2012 list included the remake in its worst ten), there’s no denying that “Who Can Kill a Child?” will never actually be replaced.

When Tom and Evelyn seek to vacation in Spain, even in spite of reports of adult bodies washing ashore mutilated beyond repair, they go to a local tourist island for food, dance, and laughs only to discover the island has been taken over by children. And these almost infinite groups of prepubescent terrors are intent on viciously murdering anyone and everyone who isn’t a child. Can Tom and Evelyn survive long enough to make it off the island and back to shore to warn civilization?

While folks often cite “Village of the Damned” and or “Children of the Corn” as downright horrifying examples of children run amok and transformed in to monsters of terror, there’s often the omission of the 1976 Spanish horror film “Who Can Kill a Child?” An often shocking and absolutely disturbing film, director Narciso Ibáñez Serrador’s has been very misunderstood and gone through a lot of phases during its life. It’s been banned in certain countries and has been re-titled almost a dozen times.

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It goes by its original moniker “¿Quién puede matar a un niño?” as well as “Island of the Damned,” “The Hex Massacre,” “Death is Child’s Play,” “Island of Death,” “The Killer’s Playground,” “Trapped,” and “Would You Kill a Child?” Not to mention it’s been edited down from its original form splicing out many of the murders in the film that revolve around children. In 2007, Dark Sky Films released a special edition unrated DVD of the film in its uncut glory, positing the film as something of an inexplicable turning of the tide in regards to man against nature, while Hitchcock’s “The Birds” showed what would happen if nature’s inexplicably turned man into its number one enemy.

“Who Can Kill a Child?” shows what would happen if children suddenly decided that they simply have had enough of the adult population and became murderous, merciless monsters. The dilemma posed by the film is could you really kill a child? More on point, if your sweet seven year old daughter suddenly started attacking you with a machete intent on murdering you and bathing in your blood, could you murder her in self defense? “Who Can Kill a Child?” is an unnerving and calculated horror film that shows what happens when children just flip a switch and decide that friend or foe, they’re massacring every adult in the general vicinity. In one very horrifying instance, a mother screams at her son and daughter to go outside and even smacks them on the behind to get them moving.

The brother and sister are greeted by the swarm of psychotic ankle biters who approach the siblings, softly whispering in their ears in an almost inaudible string of words. Suddenly the looks of innocence and smiles on the siblings inexplicably transform in to sheer gleams of blood lust. When their mother greets them outside demanding they get to work her offspring are unresponsive, and behind her groups of children trickle down from the rocks preparing to unleash ungodly acts of pain on her.

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Director Narciso Ibáñez Serrador doesn’t really display much exposition behind the source of this evil; he just shows the audience that this turn of events was inevitable with footage of children being massacred during various wars, and young kids starving to death in villages. All of whom are casualties of the violent conflicts. When Tom and his pregnant wife Evelyn arrive at the local island prepared to relax during their vacation, they’re disturbed to discover that all of the adults on the island are nowhere to be found, and what civilization there are consists of children that run around seemingly innocent and committed to their own secret doings in the darkness.

When Tom and Evelyn discover that the children have not only slaughtered every adult on the island, but have made a game out of mutilating an old man in the village square, the fight for their lives become ever more harrowing, as the angelic monsters will stop at nothing to kill the duo. Narciso Ibáñez Serrador is never above tugging at the heart strings of audiences giving them some material to cringe at. Save for the ghastly prologue, there’s a moment where a male survivor is lured to his death by his bawling daughter who begs for her dad to bring her home after she’s injured herself, only for him to meet immediate death. And in one of the most creative death scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a horror film, wife Evelyn meets her fate in a manner you’ll never see coming.

“Who Can Kill a Child?” is a grueling and very harrowing horror masterpiece with a thick sense of urgency and an atmosphere that signals this sudden transformation is definitely in the favor of the cherubic moppets with the inability to show quarter toward their adult counterparts. It’s a gem that vastly outweighs “Village of the Damned” as an evil children feature.

Room 237 (2013)

There’s just so much mystery behind Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” that you have to ponder on the mystery behind “Room 237.” The Rodney Ascher directed documentary is a film that explores the dimensions of “The Shining” but also garners its own curiosities in the mean time. I mean there’s no denying that “The Shining” was never meant to be anything more than a puzzle from Stanley Kubrick, but what is the puzzle? Did Kubrick really pay so much attention to the film to include a yet to be deciphered message within the film cells? Or is it just a pastiche of random imagery left for the laymen to tinker with for decades to come? Did Kubrick find cinematic immortality by simply giving his audience a movie to think about that ultimately just meant nothing? You have to wonder, why would Kubrick be so meticulous about scenery, props, and symbolism, but forget to hide the shadow of his chopper during the opening scenes of the film?

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