Trilogies are perhaps the most unusual presence in filmmaking because there’s rarely ever a chance that all three films within the triangle will be good. Take for example the “Vampires” trilogy which I can imagine that the producers asked to add the moniker of “Vampires” to the film to make it a trilogy. But in any case it’s a trilogy and a sad one at that. “The Turning” ends up becoming more stupid than actually awful, and I’ve always thought series were supposed to lengthen the story, and not shy away from it. “Vampires” originally made by Carpenter was a very strong vampire film, then there was “Los Muertos” which was a really bad (A vampire munching on a man’s genitals? Please) but enjoyable bit of vampire fodder, and then there’s… this.
Tag Archives: V
Vlad (2003)
Imagine “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” mixed with “The Davinci Code”, imagine “Interview with the Vampire” sans the homosexual overtones, imagine “Dracula”, mixed with two Benadryl, a shot of whiskey, and a knock on the head, and you can perfectly sum up what “Vlad” is. This poor man’s “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” that becomes more of a quasi-“The Vlad Code” is a snoozer and a half, as a bunch of people try to dissect the legend of Vlad Tepes, but what sounds like a taut analyses of the legend of a war monger inevitably becomes a murky, utterly mindless, superficial quasi-thriller with people talking a lot and not saying much, characters interacting without chemistry, a lot of discovering Romanian villages without ever involving the audience, and a lot of characters walking around the forest without getting anywhere… and Billy Zane shows up at one point.
Van Helsing (2004)
How do you ruin four of the most timeless, scariest, and three-dimensional horror characters in history? Well, if you’re Stephen Sommers you put them in a special effects-laden piece of trash like this, and then make like a politician and cop -out insisting you’re a fan of these monsters, just to cover your bases and prevent criticism for directing and overseeing this chunk of cinematic sacrilege. The best about the opening of “Van Helsing” in theaters, you ask? Their releases of Universal’s monster classics in boxed sets. Maybe it was sub-conscious guilt on part of Universal for ruining their characters. Van Helsing, my favorite literary hero of all time is resurrected for the hundredth time around ala Bruckheimer motif in this franchise wannabe called “Van Helsing”.
Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000)
I loved the original “Vampire Hunter D,” I remember watching it for the first time with my jaw hanging down, drool and some snot hanging down. So, I was obviously excited to see this, and after I popped this bad boy into my DVD player, I was not disappointed. I was weary about the new design for Vampire Hunter D at first, I wasn’t sure what was wrong with the original design, but he looks so much better here. With a design that Universal ripped off in 2004’s “Van Helsing” he’s just so stylish here with a beautiful costume that not only acts as a shroud but protection from the sunlight and they make his vampiric appearance better here with a white pale face and just a cold exterior that makes him such a great character to watch.
The Village (2004)
After lots of cryptic movie posters all over the walls in theaters, posters that showed two hands holding a letter, posters that wouldn’t tell a thing to the casual movie-goer, after cryptic television teasers, commercials that gave nothing away but still kept audiences shocked with its atmosphere induced images, and after a really cheesy really bad mock-documentary exploring the “The Buried Secrets of M. Night Shyamalan” which ended up being nothing than a promotional program , director M. Night Shyamalan has again kept audiences wondering, has kept the media guessing, and has kept critics talking.
National Lampoon's Van Wilder (2002)
Out of all the bad teen sex campus romps, to the classics, this has to be the worst most putrid piece of trash I’ve ever seen. This poor excuse for a comedy features the same old tired clichés we’ve seen from other sex romps except everything falls flat here. After about ten minutes into the film, I could tell the writers were scratching the bottom of the barrel with basically nothing to write in to the story. They even begin resorting to desperate measures by showing a butt shot of Merriman. Then there’s this far-fetched storyline that goes nowhere. How is it he’s able to rent a hall and hire his own employees? How is it he’s able to drive a personalized golf cart around campus when other people are walking? How is it he’s able to walk in and out of classes without the teacher’s complaining?
Vampires – Los Muertos (2002)
This is Executive produced by Carpenter and instead is Tommy Lee Wallace as director. Jon Bon Jovi wasn’t much of a turn off from this movie for me, because I love his music and he’s a great actor, so he was able to hold the fort as the lead man. He’s a surfer boy in this movie so he often gripes about how he’d rather be surfing than hunting vampires. In the original we saw hunters hunting because it was for the church, in here it’s assumed more as a workaday job. He has a lot of cool weapons including a surfboard that doubles as a case for his weapons. He has a great grimace every hero should have in these types of movies, and he wears it well, often facing off against vampires.