Superman vs. The Elite (2012)

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I understand what “Superman vs. The Elite” is trying to say and what it’s attempting to convey. We’re in a world where the boy scout in tights in longer in vogue. Now we have a bunch of misanthropic homophobic thugs in colorful outfits who are calling themselves superheroes. And the public is eating that crap up with a spoon. I’m one of the few hold outs who actually love his superheroes like Superman and less like the cynical crapola Garth Ennis spews on to the page. Ooh, he said “faggot,” ooh his superheroes have sex with guys, ooh he’s mocking Batman, he’s so edgy and unique!

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Rocko's Modern Life: Season One (DVD)

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Although I am a fan of “Spongebob Squarepants” it’s tough to watch “Rocko’s Modern Life” today without thinking that Nickelodeon might have lifted some of the formula from this classic 1993 series. Tom Kenny plays a well meaning dingo who approaches life with optimism and humilty, much like Spongebob.

He has a wacky and loyal pet, a goofy puffy best friend who is lacking in the sense department, and a foil with a perpetual scowl who often makes sure the main protagonist is miserable for no reason. The only exception is that “Rocko’s Modern Life” has better writing in its favor and a rather better following of cartoon lovers and nineties kids whom fondly remember soaking in this surreal but fun cartoon series about the misadventures of the lovable Rocko.

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Our Top Ten Disney Channel Original Movies Of All Time

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If you’re a child of the nineties, the odds are you had cable television. Before the Miley Cyrus’ and Raven Symone’s the Disney Channel made a habit of airing some of their own original movies that many kids grew up with. Some of them were clunky, some absolutely forgettable, and many of them are still remembered by nostalgia buffs to this day. Even before Disney figured out how to market their stars, Disney Channel original movies were filled with potential young movie stars who’d go on to make at least two or three movies of the same title like “Zenon” or “Cheetah Girls.”

The Disney Channel original movies gained their momentum in the early to mid nineties displaying some real family classics and as nostalgia goons we’re unabashedly listing our top ten Disney Channel movies of all time. What can we say? We have a soft spot for Disney.

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Dark House (2009)

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darkhouse5I’m not going to pretend “Dark House” is an original horror outing. As a film it’s basically a pastiche of “The Haunting,” “House on Haunted Hill,” and “Thirteen Ghosts” with a skosh of “Haute Tension” for good measure. But in spite of the inherent derivations, I couldn’t help but have a damn good time sitting through “Dark House.” It’s deep down a very light on logic party horror film that you can sit through with friends and never be bored with. Even when it’s attempting to exposit the characters back stories, it really is at warp speed so that it can get to the bloodshed and gore. Thankfully I didn’t have much of a problem with that.

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Full Moon's Grindhouse Collection: Filmgore (DVD)

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filmgore“FilmGore” is one of the many horror compilations grindhouse fans will get a kick out of, as it’s not only a compilation of the some of the most famous and obscure horror films of all time, but the presentation as a whole cuts through the droning dialogue and just zeroes in on the blood and grue. Basically it’s all one big cut together clip show from horror geeks and it shows. Dixon’s writing paired with the essence of Ackerman provides the film with a sense of charisma, in spite of the film basically being one big excuse to show off clips without much of a structure.

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Not Another B Movie (2010)

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notanotherbmovie-03Say, do you want to know what it takes to make a horror movie on a low budget? Do you want to know what trials a filmmaker and screenwriter go through to make a film and appease their stars? Do you want to know how hard it is to deal with executives and producers? After watching “Not Another B Movie,” I realized that no. I didn’t. And you know what? I didn’t care. The film is basically centered on a screenwriter who is meeting at a restaurant with some producers about his movie script and he basically spends the entirety of the movie imagining scenes from the horror movie, as well we recalling his experiences with snobby actors, and psychotic performers. There are also badly conducted audition scenes where the film gets to squeeze in some cameos for the audience, and nothing about the film is every really as entertaining or exciting as the filmmakers perceive it to be.

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Aphrodisiac! The Sexual Secret of Marijuana (1971) (DVD)

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Dennis Van Zak’s propaganda film is very much on par with “Reefer Madness” and that’s just shocking how much the two parallel toward one another. While “Reefer Madness” was a complete exaggeration of the negative aspects of marijuana use, Dennis Van Zak completely reduces the positive aspects of marijuana use to such an optimistic degree that it’s absolutely comical and cartoonish. Both films are basically intent on conveying a message about the use of cannabis and both films basically evade any and all scientific research in exchange for their agenda toward audiences. The only real difference with “Aphrodisiac!” and “Reefer Madness” is that Van Zak’s film is basically just a short form porn film with testimonials so utterly idiotic it’s worth a good laugh or two. In fact I would recommend audiences be obscenely high while viewing this film.

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