When last we saw Ash Williams in “Evil Dead II,” he was at the butt hole end of a massive portal to hell and could do nothing but hope and pray for the best. In spite of battling the demonic menace in his deserted cabin in the woods for the second time, he unfortunately could only hope the demonic menace within this wormhole would display mercy on him. Or at least let its guard down long enough to allow Ash an escape. Little did he know he’d land in 1300 AD among a culture of people desperately in need of a savior.
Tag Archives: Action
Rapid Fire (1992)
After cameos in “Kung Fu,” a still laughable premiere in “Laser Mission,” and shifting out of the shadows of bigger names in “Showdown in Little Tokyo,” Brandon Lee finally garnered his own action vehicle in 1992. Whether you like, love, or hate the movie, there’s no denying Brandon Lee had what it took. With the fading mold of the action star becoming an antiquated concept in modern cinema, Brandon Lee had the chops to become a bonafide film star who could have built himself an empire in the same way Michael Douglas did by straying from the legacy of his father Kirk Douglas.
Phantoms (1998)
What if the blob was a sentient being with a massive ego? That’s basically the summation of “Phantoms,” a film that alternates from tedious, to goofy, to downright silly quite often. The tonal shifting often affects “Phantoms” turning it from a mediocre horror film to just a downright idiotic horror film with no semblance of common sense. Why does every single monster or being with a consciousness suddenly turn in to a comedian when they have the upper hand? Freddy Krueger turned from a specter in to a clown, Pinhead began spewing puns suddenly, and during the finale of “Phantoms,” the being begins spouting one-liners like it’s going out of style. In the midst of possessing Liev Schreiber’s character, the monster screeches with a half body “How low can you go?!” as it chases our heroines through a house slithering along the ground.
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (2010)
What is Uwe Boll’s obsession with the holocaust? First he sets this new “Bloodrayne” snore fest in the holocaust and has the gall to try for his own Holocaust documentary. This from the man who created “Blubberella.” In any consolation Natassia Malthe is still very sexy as Rayne and has the same charisma as the former Rayne Kristanna Loken, never missing a beat. Rayne still looks like a hardcore cosplayer lost in a time warp, though. So in the midst of soldiers and World War II, she looks incredibly out of place. Where does she get all of that leather?
Tank Girl (1995)
Yeah, this is why studios didn’t take comic book movie seriously for a very long time. “Tank Girl” is god awful. I’m aware her comic is very popular, and Tank Girl the character is considered something of a feminist icon of a sorts, but “Tank Girl” is swill. It’s bottom feeding swill. It tries to exude this sense of hipness and edge, but instead feels like it doesn’t take the material seriously. Lori Petty (who has the charm of a spastic Ritalin addict) attempts to play the sexually ambiguous Tank Girl as tongue in cheek but she just comes off as a clown who has no grasp on the material.
Barb Wire (1996)
So you can’t call her babe. That’s where she draws the line. She responds violently to those who call her babe. But… what about boobs? Jugs? Mammary Madam? Chesty? How about Baby? It’s kind of like Babe, but not really. It’s a shame because the original comic book from Dark Horse called “Barb Wire” sounds like it could be a fun action film. A busty blond heroine addicted to adrenaline who fights crime from the heart of her night club could be a great film overall. Instead, the producers cast a popular model turned actress in the guise of Pamela Anderson, spend most of the film focusing on her enhanced bust to compensate for her sheer lack of acting ability, and basically just remake “Casablanca” and call it a day.
Skyscraper (1996)
It’s hard to believe, but at one time someone thought turning models and porn stars in to action heroines was a good idea. Tracie Lords, Shannon Tweed, Pamela Anderson. All gorgeous women in their own B movie straight to video fare that never panned out beyond B movie straight to video fare. The worst of all has to be someone’s shocking brainstorm that perhaps the plus size dumb as a post model Anna Nicole Smith could somehow become something of a cult action movie star. It’s bad enough Smith could barely pose for a photo shoot without looking forced, but making her act? Could she even walk and talk at the same time?