Watching “Massacrator” is frantic, jarring and violent, and in the end you feel very violated. I had every reason to love Pierre Ayote’s ode to Grindhouse silliness but instead I just couldn’t jibe with what was happening on-screen. Being a simultaneous ode to everything from Grindhouse to science fiction we meet Massacrator, a borg sent in to the present (or future?) to… kill a girl, I think. After decapitating a few poor suckers, he makes his way to a young woman who manages to get away just in time to avoid his super punch.
Tag Archives: Action
Dude, We're Re-Writing the Phantom Menace!
So as you all may know, we’re big, big fans of the “Star Wars” series. We’ve seen all the movies, all the re-edits and special editions, we (when we say we we mean me) bought all three covers of the TV Guide special edition celebrating “The Phantom Menace,” we’ve seen the animated series, the other animated series, that other animated series with those dumb teddy bears, the animated series with the gay robots, and the current animated series exploring Anakin’s life before he became all evil and melodramatic. Recently we rewatched the entire series on Spike TV here in America and realized that we didn’t enjoy the prequels as much as we remember. I mean I’m definitely in the minority when I say “Attack of the Clones” was watchable, and “Revenge of the Sith” almost (almost) gets in touch with what “Star Wars” is all about, but I sat watching “The Phantom Menace” and… um… yeah, it’s terrible. Terrible. Awful. I mean I still don’t know what the actual plot for that movie was. Seriously, tell me! I decrypted the plot to “2001: A Space Odyssey” faster than I did for this.
The Final Destination (2009) (DVD)
Yep this is it, the Final Destination, the alleged final installment in the “Final Destination” franchise that promises to close up the entire storyline. And yes, I’m not buying it either. When there is money to be made, sequels are still a potential cash cow and I think the series will continue to live on when the studios decide it’s time to make some money off of this carnival of cruel and painful deaths. What “The Final Destination” promises is not what it delivers. There are simply no questions answered to the big questions. Who are chosen to receive these premonitions? Are these people just random or do they possess unusual powers or gifts? Are they apart of a legacy or do they just happen to be apart of an accident or misfire? Who or what grants them these premonitions? Does death give it to them as some sort of sick game? And if there is some mystical being granting these people the gift to foretell the next move of death why do they want these people to be one step ahead of death?
Cinema Crazed's Worst 10 of 2009
10. Pontypool
I’m one of those people who very much looked forward to “Pontypool,” and am not ashamed to admit that I was utterly disappointed with this production. It was dull as day old bread, lacked in sheer suspense and tension and sadly didn’t quite creep me out as much as its double “Dead Air” did. Not quite a zombie movie, people like to brand it as such and there aren’t even many zombies that pop up. What we get in the end is a practice in a cinematic dry humping that promises frights and never actually delivers. Seek out “Dead Air” for a nearly identical premise that works much better.
Inglourious Basterds (2009)
Tarantino is often touted as a filmic sensation, a director who understands film and the art of storytelling and despite the backlash he gets from some, the man simply knows how to tell a damn story. In a world where blockbusters and animated films shake us down for cash in exchange for a movie that only acts as an amusement park ride (experienced now, easily forgotten later), Tarantino opts instead to give us bang for our buck with films that surpass their genres and provide us with the old fashioned art of storytelling. With his flair for dialogue and his mastery of the film camera, Tarantino is always performing at his best regardless of his film’s quality (erm–“Death Proof”) and “Inglourious Basterds” is one of his best works yet.
Fast & Furious (2009)
I want to live in the world that Justin Lin has created in the fourth film of the “Fast and the Furious” franchise. In it people can smash through windows like they’re cutting through paper, bullets don’t necessarily harm them, racers can speed through city streets without being pulled over or tracked by traffic cops, and they’re able to fly in stealth mode evading authorities in the loudest most conspicuous cars imaginable. That’s the world I want to be in. Probably the biggest turd of the series, “Fast and Furious” presents us with four actors with no other option than to sleepwalk through a hundred minutes of explosions, car chases and the prerequisite bad acting. Particularly from Rodriguez and Diesel whose chemistry is still there and seems to amplify their horrible acting abilities.
H2: Halloween II (2009)
In Rob Zombie’s first bastardization of the Halloween franchise, we’re told that Michael is so intent on going home that he’s willing to do anything to get there and is perfectly willing to remain unresponsive to psychological help. We’re also told that he’s completely emotionless and cold to just about everyone. And yet here we are with “Halloween II” where we get to see how cute and affectionate he is with his mother. This is further proof that Zombie just doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing ninety percent of the time. How can we ever expect to see a good movie from this man again if the story he’s telling is inconsistent? Seeming to have no other option these days, Zombie continues chucking rotten eggs our way from the contrived “Halloween II” (I refuse to call it H2) right down to the awful animated mess that was “El Superbeasto.”