21 Jump Street (2012)

When all is said and done “21 Jump Street” completely bastardizes the original television series from the eighties. The original show was a dramatic and controversial series that took painstaking turns in to very taboo subjects in America and was the stepping point for Johnny Depp. No one shares that frustration more than I do. But surprisingly enough “21 Jump Street” is still a fun and absolutely entertaining action comedy that is about as close to an American version of “Hot Fuzz” as you can get. While it does use the “21 Jump Street” model to get the premise rolling, it doesn’t really spoof or satirize the show. There’s no one mocking Johnny Depp, or Dustin Nguyen, nor is anyone mocking major episodes of the series. The directors do pay homage to the show with their own nods to the series, but it doesn’t lampoon the show so much as use the framework to tell a new story. A new story that’s incidentally based around a more comic tone.

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Zombies vs. Strippers (2012)

So what do we learn from Zombies vs. Strippers? Zombies who moan “brains!” aren’t specifically limited to eating brains, strippers crave anal sex even during a zombie raid, cameramen will stay focused on a TV host even if they’re being mauled by the walking dead, watching someone eating someone else’s fingers doesn’t set off alarms that something is wrong with them, pole dancing is actually a hidden form of martial arts, cops are nowhere to be found in the city, zombies will pounce on extras but slowly creep up on principle cast members of a movie, strip clubs only play songs without lyrics, strip clubs only employ four strippers at a time, and when you’re bitten in the butt you won’t notice until much later on. All things considered “Zombies vs. Strippers” is a pretty crummy movie.

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Bikini Chain Gang (2005)

I don’t know what’s weirder, the fact that movie is a satire of women in prison movies or that I recognized that 90 percent of the cast for “Bikini Chain Gang” are porn stars. But then Fred Olen Ray’s comedy about women in prison is really just a mid-level porno that’s about ninety minutes. Well–fifty, when you cut out the monotonous sex scenes that injected mid-story. Basically, the story is so utterly simple it’s as if Fred Olen Ray wrote the premise down on a cocktail napkin in between bouts of Scotch and sniffing coke off of Asian strippers’ backs.

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Rocko's Modern Life: Season One (DVD)

Although I am a fan of “Spongebob Squarepants” it’s tough to watch “Rocko’s Modern Life” today without thinking that Nickelodeon might have lifted some of the formula from this classic 1993 series. Tom Kenny plays a well meaning dingo who approaches life with optimism and humilty, much like Spongebob.

He has a wacky and loyal pet, a goofy puffy best friend who is lacking in the sense department, and a foil with a perpetual scowl who often makes sure the main protagonist is miserable for no reason. The only exception is that “Rocko’s Modern Life” has better writing in its favor and a rather better following of cartoon lovers and nineties kids whom fondly remember soaking in this surreal but fun cartoon series about the misadventures of the lovable Rocko.

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Our Top Ten Disney Channel Original Movies Of All Time

DCOM

If you’re a child of the nineties, the odds are you had cable television. Before the Miley Cyrus’ and Raven Symone’s the Disney Channel made a habit of airing some of their own original movies that many kids grew up with. Some of them were clunky, some absolutely forgettable, and many of them are still remembered by nostalgia buffs to this day. Even before Disney figured out how to market their stars, Disney Channel original movies were filled with potential young movie stars who’d go on to make at least two or three movies of the same title like “Zenon” or “Cheetah Girls.”

The Disney Channel original movies gained their momentum in the early to mid nineties displaying some real family classics and as nostalgia goons we’re unabashedly listing our top ten Disney Channel movies of all time. What can we say? We have a soft spot for Disney.

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Dark House (2009)

darkhouse5I’m not going to pretend “Dark House” is an original horror outing. As a film it’s basically a pastiche of “The Haunting,” “House on Haunted Hill,” and “Thirteen Ghosts” with a skosh of “Haute Tension” for good measure. But in spite of the inherent derivations, I couldn’t help but have a damn good time sitting through “Dark House.” It’s deep down a very light on logic party horror film that you can sit through with friends and never be bored with. Even when it’s attempting to exposit the characters back stories, it really is at warp speed so that it can get to the bloodshed and gore. Thankfully I didn’t have much of a problem with that.

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Not Another B Movie (2010)

notanotherbmovie-03Say, do you want to know what it takes to make a horror movie on a low budget? Do you want to know what trials a filmmaker and screenwriter go through to make a film and appease their stars? Do you want to know how hard it is to deal with executives and producers? After watching “Not Another B Movie,” I realized that no. I didn’t. And you know what? I didn’t care. The film is basically centered on a screenwriter who is meeting at a restaurant with some producers about his movie script and he basically spends the entirety of the movie imagining scenes from the horror movie, as well we recalling his experiences with snobby actors, and psychotic performers. There are also badly conducted audition scenes where the film gets to squeeze in some cameos for the audience, and nothing about the film is every really as entertaining or exciting as the filmmakers perceive it to be.

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