Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Posted on October 1, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

It’s Jason vs. the eighties version of Carrie White. Because… why the hell not, right? At this point the Paramount series had just about run out of ideas for characters. Tommy Jarvis imprisoned Jason in his underwater chamber doomed to float for all eternity, and there was really nowhere left to go from here. It’s almost like the ending of “H20.” Laurie Strode chopped Michael’s head off. The end! But is it? Yeah, it is. Oh really? No. No it’s not. Aw hell, let’s squeeze another sequel out of our corn holes! I need a new Porsche!

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Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark [Paperback]

Posted on October 1, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

“The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out. The worms play pinochle on your snout.”

When I was in fourth grade, my school had their yearly book fair. It was a time where kids could go to a large class room where Scholastic Books would litter the entire room with their merchandise for prices ranging anywhere from 25 cents to ten dollars. Of course when I spotted “Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark,” I snatched it up and re-read it at least five times. Which is saying something for a kid who, at that age, took every possible excuse to not read. Alvin Schwartz’s book is one of the first introductions to horror and urban folklore. And judging by the many other nineties kids, Mr. Schwartz’s book was a source of horrific inspiration for them, as well.

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Dead Before Dawn 3D (2012)

Posted on October 1, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

Watching “Dead Before Dawn” try to be funny is like going in to a third rate haunted house in the sticks on Halloween. It’s nice you’re trying really hard, but you really aren’t doing what you intend to. “Dead Before Dawn” tries to be many things, and one of them is a comedy. While it did elicit genuine laughs from me sporadically it manages to miss more than it hits. In fact by the end, the joke went on almost way too long. I was pretty relieved it ended or else I was afraid I’d begin to hate it.

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The Amityville Horror Trilogy [Blu-ray]

Posted on October 1, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

One of the most widely publicized and infamous hauntings in American history that ended up being one of the most widely publicized hoaxes of all time resulted in an acclaimed novel, and a cinematic adaptation. Said film ended up garnering nine sequels, and one remake, all of which are infamous for being either very bad, or immensely silly horror entries. However, there is a charm there for horror fans that love supernatural cinema, and for those that love the “Amityville” series, Scream Factory allows fans to pick up the first trilogy in a Blu-ray box set just in time for Halloween. Some horror fans prefer to think of the first three films as the true Amityville Horror arc, and it’s available with the original cover art for the films in tact.

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Bloody Homecoming (2012) (DVD)

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

Yet another iteration of “Slaughter High,” director Brian C. Weed’s revenge horror film attempts to be a sanctimonious message about bullying all the while lulling its audience to sleep with an illogical and goofy film about revenge and the past coming back to haunt some classmates. My only fear is the memory of this movie coming back to haunt my nightmares.

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Prince Of Darkness (1987) (Collector’s Edition) [Blu-ray]

Posted on September 23, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

John Carpenter’s “Prince of Darkness,” the second leg in the “Apocalypse Trilogy” is a horrifying film about the apocalypse and one of the many Carpenter films where good fights evil and evil wins. Again. And again. It’s interesting that “Prince of Darkness” is almost a precursor to the found footage film boom of the mid aughts, as director John Carpenter stages a series of dream sequences void of cinematic flare. Through fuzzy hand held cameras, he manages to stage numerous horrific dream sequences signaling the coming of the anti-god, and the anti-Christ, all the while using it as a means of expressing how imminent the apocalypse is. The thirty second dream sequences are much more horrifying than most found footage films I’ve ever seen.

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Memoirs of a Gay Porn Critic

Posted on September 23, 2013 by Felix Vasquez

I’m a gay porn critic.

No, not really. I’m not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I used to review porn, but that’s beside the point.

A long time ago I got in to a bit of a verbal war with their Asylum Entertainment’s most noted director who engaged in a back and forth with me for a long time, and even took exception to my bashing of his films on a major independent film website. Often I spent my days on another message board on my online haunts discussing the terrible movies coming from the Asylum, and often times I was inundated with attacks from people in the studios.

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