Blade: The Series

After a rather unspectacular opening, it’s pretty clear where we stand. The budget is low, and Sticky Fingaz (rapper turned actor) is basically imitating Wesley Snipes doing Blade. Rather than take his own personality and attribute it to the character of Blade, Mr. Fingaz seeks only to imitate Snipes. Suggestion from the director, or his own choice, either one is still an incredible misstep. Fingaz even imitates Snipes’ slight African accent, with no avail.

The accent jumps in and out, and there are expected changes to the plot. Now Blade has an entourage comprised of your usual characters, and the wolf pack, Whistler, Deacon Frost et al are all basically forgotten, and or never mentioned. Maybe it’s permanent or maybe they’re saving it for (wishful thinking on their part) future seasons. I liked the “Blade” series. While “Blade” may not have been a masterpiece, its successors were entertaining. It was only obvious a spin-off/series would be attempted. And it’s still a great idea.

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The Omen (2006)

Omen060606I’m tired of singing the same song about remakes over and over. I’m tired of being angry about the studios taking a classic and ruining it. And it’s a waste of energy especially since I have no power to stop them, and you idiots will just go to see whatever the commercial man tells you to see. So I’ll just save it and review the damn movie. Much like Gus Van Sant remaking “Psycho”, this remake of the Omen is an interesting shot by shot reproduction with many liberties taken in minimal aspects of plot and character, but it has a nasty habit of being rather unnecessary.

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Romasanta: The Werewolf Hunt (2004)

romasantaI was intrigued by “Romasanta” because while it is horror, it’s not technically horror, and while it is a werewolf film, it’s not really the conventional werewolf film. Simply put, if you’re expected werewolves, full moons, and a big clan of lycanthropes, well you best turn elsewhere. “Romasanta” is a brutally original horror film about the human mind and the sheer atrocities it is capable of when sick and inflicted. “Romasanta” is a rather unique entry that’s a horror film, a werewolf film, a murder mystery, a period piece, and a crime drama all rolled into one. But one of the appeals of this film was that it was original. Originality it a rarity in film these days, and it’s a shame we don’t get much of it in terms of innovative ideas.

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Stephen King's Desperation (2006)

DesperationI mean sure, “The Stand” had many biblical themes to it, and I don’t hold that against it basically because it’s my favorite television movie of all time, and my favorite King mini-series, but that’s because it never used the biblical themes so blatantly before. I have to say “Desperation” is one hell of a disappointment. It’s a cheesy, ridiculous, and utterly un-scary practice in babbling, that actually required a considerable amount of effort to sit through. After weeks of anticipation and excitement, I finally tuned in and basically zoned out by the second hour. If there’s any indication that producers have run out of material for Stephen King min-series, it’s “Desperation”.

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Zombie Honeymoon (2004)

A few months ago, I saw a film called “Boy Eats Girl”, about a young man who dies and comes back as a zombie. The people who love him are willing to ignore his ravenous potentially murderous behavior because they just are that committed to him. “Zombie Honeymoon” is basically along those same lines. Except, in spite of its evident camp it’s much more in the vein of a tragedy, and it works. Can you love someone who is uncontrollably murderous? Can you love someone beyond circumstances that are not in your control? Do you fight the tide, or welcome it with open arms? “Zombie Honeymoon” in spite of its ludicrous title is actually much more classy and straight-faced than its moniker would dictate to audiences; which would also attribute to the lack of interest from many I’ve come across.

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Masters of Horror: Imprint

What—you thought I wouldn’t review this episode? You fool. Showtime, or as I like to call it, HBO-lite created the “Masters of Horror” series more as a Halloween novelty and then in to a full on series. They then invited horror veterans to throw in their own tales in the proverbial cap and really garner ratings and acclaim. And then they took on Takashe Miike. And then they banned his creation. The equivalent of this being that I ask an artist to draw the most disturbing picture he can, and then when he does, I scream “Whoa! Too disturbing!” And then I tear it up. My question is: How can you give an arsonist a match and then not expect him to burn down a whole city? How can you let Takashe Miike direct something for you and then get angry when he actually directs?! Did anyone at Showtime even know who he was?

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